My world around me, stiff and cold
A small and glimmering fantasy
Is graced upon by a star of old
A star that smiles down at me
A hand that holds mine, safe and warm
And moves me slow and gingerly
A waltz of such a clumsy form
At last I bloom, at last set free
But this only lasts a moment’s time
Blue roses wilt so quick, you see
For as glass breaks with kiss and chime
The star sets away, now memory
That light still lingers on the seams,
Those fractures through the heart of me,
Dancing midst now stagnant dreams
My world, my glass menagerie
Author notes
This is a poem based off of Laura from the play 'The Glass Menagerie' by Tennessee Williams. If you have not read this play yet, I would highly recomend it. And if ou have please comment on this poem, I could use all of the constructive critizism I can get. This is currently a work in progress so please, any constructive critisism would be appreciated, Thank you
A contest entry
- Finding Beauty in Sadness by StevieE.
525 points, ended December 31, 2008, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - #39 THEME CONTEST (: by Walk-Free.
700 points, ended January 2, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-writes that should have been Gold by Mythtress.
1200 points, ended January 6, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Amaranthine Lover's Getting Rid of Some Points! by amaranthine lover.
1750 points, ended April 22, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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15.8/25
nicely done -
Excellent poem! And such a tragic figure...Laura, I mean.... you did a great job of capturing her enigma and I truly enjoyed the time I spent with your poem. Good, good, good!
Write on, poet.
Blessings,
Myth
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beautiful imagery here
i love how you brought yourself to a perspective of a rose, and described its hauntingly beautiful process from blooming to wilting.
nice write!
have a blessed new year
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This was a bit of a shock for me! though I did enjoy the poem! a wonderful write! thank you for sharing!
Kat
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Average rating 4.5 out of 5
I judged your poem with 5 criteria scoring each one 1 to 5 points
Uses of the five senses- 3.5 you only used 2 but used them extremely effectively
Metaphors- 5 super job here
Feeling- 4 alot of feeling in this poem
Unity- 5 super great job with unity
flow- 5 perfect unity
average score- 4.5 out of 5
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I like it so far... I'm only having trouble with this line.
At last I bloom, at last set free
I'm not feeling the double "at last"s. I would make it
"At last I bloom, I've been set free" or something of the sort. -
Its not what i was expecting when i read the title. This poem is excelent. I love the first two verses.
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