My sister, my love,
well I’ve hidden you
in locked diary pages,
feathered dreams,
and winged thoughts flitting
behind a shy girl’s eyes.
Dear one, who has seen you--
robed so in gathered gloom;
draped in heartless threads
and hurtful words
so carelessly,
so purposely spoken?
My sister, my love,
I pushed you back, back
into an upper room
and secretly fed you
bile and bitter roots
and watched you fade
little by little
Dear, I did not despise you more
than myself.
But wings have hollow bones
and expectations are stones,
wrapped in scarlet,
thrown by those we trust
or dared to love.
My sister, my love,
where have you flown–-
did not I weigh you down completely
with cumbersome rocks
and blackened thoughts enough?
You are just a phantom
passing through my dreams;
a pasty-skinned spirit
anemic, beautiful, terrifying,
with no more heart;
only decrepit remnants of frigid soul.
Yet your ghost, Love,
it drills still gaping holes of regret
into each waking moment
and every second I am slain
by the loss of you.
Author notes
By Everwind rising
Picture inspired promt: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2427095 (Metamorphosis by Madeline von Foerster).
I chose to write this poem from the view point of the woman in the picture. I wasn't sure if this contest was looking for a self portrait (of myself) or if it was supposed to be a self portrait of the the lady in the picture prompt so I chose the latter. The poem has a somewhat creepy feel because the picture was a little creepy to me.
I found this prompt very challenging but once It started flowing it was very enjoyable writing.
Enjoy.
A contest entry
- November Rounds #2 by CitrineSunrise.
700 points, ended December 11, 2008, 20 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I viewed the picture you used as the inspiration and must say you've done it justice, Sweetie. Congratulations on your golden chalice for this remarkable feat of words, Brian. I remain ever more impressed with your skillful pen, Scribe. 
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Extraordinary is a word that comes to mind. This is very tear-jerking. Really, it is. I am sad now...but that's what makes it so good, your ability to speak to people through words. Awesome, awesome job!
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I don't know...I feel like I am reading
the words that one day will be read by
thousands. You are extraordinary.
Laney
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Congratulations on winning Round Two.
"But wings have hollow bones
and expectations are stones,
wrapped in scarlet,
thrown by those we trust"
Your poetry is dark and comely. You write from a stark sense of wonder poet. I am totally loving what I've read so far of you muse. I did enjoy, to great heights. It is no gamble to garner GOLD to a winner!
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
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Mazel Tov on the gold trophy! I really liked your use of imagery (especially the persistent bird-like imagery, from feathers to hollow bones-- you carried it consistently through poem, in a very cool way) and the overall atmosphere of the poem.
I can definitely see the picture in this poem but also, because I was an English major and-- for better or worse-- see literary allusions in absolutely everything, whether they are there or not, this also reminded me of an interesting meeting of Sylvia Plath and Jane Eyre's Madwoman in the Attic.
Great, interesting poem.
-CJ
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I can feel you pushing her away and see your struggles. Excellent images/visuals and an eerie, realistic emotion. Well deserved Golden cup.
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Most excellent. You mastered this image prompt with I found quite difficult to write to. You made it look so easy. So very very pleased to see gold on this gem. A stunning piece. Congratulations. Excellent poetry. ~Pamela
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Congrats, Everwind! An amazing portrait with such deep perception. So glad to see a shiny on this!
ten
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The picture does have a creepy feel and I am pleased that you delved into that part of the prompt. I chose it because I felt there were so many elements to provide a springboard for intriguing poems. Each reading of this wonderful poem let me discover new insights and meaning. The beginning and repetition of "my sister, my love" set up the concluding line perfectly. Thank you for your entry. Peace, Liz
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You are so amazing at piquing our interest from the start, guiding us through a deeply affecting experience and then leaving us with a huge, dramatic impact. This piece is like stepping into the secret places of someone's most private thoughts--a self portrait indeed, and one that is shadowed from anyone else's knowing. Just amazing manipulation of your readers!
I was impressed with the depth of loss you portrayed here. Her dreams were obviously important to her--that word "flitting" is one of the few "light" words in the entire piece, and when accompanied with "shy girl's eyes," you really give us a glimpse of what she has allowed to be snuffed out.
The progression of her loss is so tragic--the hurtful words of others, and her accusations of herself are just horrifying. This line is jaw-dropping:
"wings have hollow bones
and expectations are stones,
wrapped in scarlet,"................the "hollow bones" make her feathered dreams seem like they were hopeless to begin with, and the "stones wrapped is scarlet", well what can I say about that. The idea of "casting stones" or accusations, and then the use of the color scarlet, traditionally associated with shame--it is just arrow after arrow that pierces through the reader.
I loved the phantom part, both beautiful and terrifying. The beauty made the anemia that much more horrific. What a wonderful use of paradox.
There is tons to be said about each line in this poem. But my absolute favorite is that final impacting line, "every second I am slain by the loss of you." Whoa! That idea of her dying over and over again because she allowed her dreams to be squelched is an excruciating sort of agony, one without ease, or hope of recovery.
Lots of ideas clearly connected to the things in the painting, so kudos to you for that too! This is a really unusually dark piece for you, but is done so exceptionally well, and it grips through to the end!
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I think this fits the picture and whether it is a requirement or not, it is a well written piece of poetry and sets out the story with fine crafted detail. C
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Wow is all I can say about all your writes! They always blow me away. This one you made sound so personal, like you are baring your soul and sadness to the world. You are a master with your writing.
All the best with this.
Gaylene
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Wow.
You write beautifully...truly;
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well, if creepy was what you were going for...
you nailed it. Great take on the pic, I read the poem before I looked at the pic. Whew! Good job
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