i've been studying
phobias
for two weeks now,
avoiding everything
except black
coffee, the toilet,
and my 3x5
flash-cards.
the snow outside
dances without
my applause,
and the milk
sours. i wonder
about how much
this is all
worth.
i flip the flash-cards
and they make
a “flip” sound
internalizing
the definitions.
i wonder why i am
scared
of your love.
Author notes
reality. tell me something real
peace to all ~flight
A contest entry
- anti-dreams by unraveled.
750 points, ended December 18, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
honesty
Comments
-
I have to agree with the salt walker on the card flipping sound.... that stanza could stand a bit of work...
its kinda like how youre not supposed to use the word your defining in the definition, you know? You already told us that youre flipping the card, so we already know that its gonna make a "flip" sound... also, the internalizing the definitions bit is a little awkward as well..., is the sound internalizing the definitions or is the speaker internalizing the definitions as she flips the cards? If its the latter, you could easily clear up the confusion with two commas, on either side of the sound description.
My only other notion is that, you've built this potentially really beautiful extended metaphor in the first two stanzas, but I feel kind of robbed of the beauty of the mystery in the last stanza... its just a little heavy handed... I think the reader is gonna be there with you and can feel what your speaker is feeling, and I just think there's probably a better way to end it than with an overly literal reveal.
I know I probably seem like Im trying to rake you over the coals here, but that really isnt my intention... I think you are a very good writer and I think this, with a little fine tuning, could be an even better poem than it already is. -
three thumbs up!
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the snow dancing w/o your applause is my fave line. your whole card flipping thing, it has a weird flow to it. i dunno thats just me though. nice job johanna
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this was pretty real and i do love how you explained the flip noise so well.. it had a very sharp sadness to it but.. like a feeling of isolation too. i hope you win
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