Raise your glass to the treasured moon
with song and rhyme for the forest dance.
Count the stars that sprinkle
the savage skies
as you step lightly
out your door.
Bow to the night
that pulls you in
then lets you loose,
inside out,
on your brand new day.
It is this very life
that reaches in
and takes you
where you'll never go again.
Hear the steps
that are your own,
their steady time will
be your song.
The evening emerges
with its utopia,
splendid spindles and kettles
sold at market.
Wine whistles white at weddings walk.
Wenches and blacksmiths rid the wells
of whiskey wonders,
that chase the clever fox,
whose heart follows the song,
of his soft and steady steps.
A contest entry
- 1000 points, 1000 pws by Shadow Anonymised.
1000 points, ended November 23, 1096 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
1 - 66 of 66
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Careful, poet...sounds like you're askin' a witch to go dancin'...lol
A beautifully painted poem, my dear, so glad you shared the view...
Ani Grace
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You always manage to not only paint a picture that I can feel, and be involved with, as if I'm there, but one that I want to feel, need to be involved with, and have to stay there.
The first two lines alone were exquisitely picturesque, and whilst I was reading the second stanza, I actually sort of stopped breathing for a minute lol... guess you could say it took my breath away, but we won't be having bad puns
but seriously, that is my favourite stanza within regards to imagery. Just the thought of that inky black night, sprayed with little diamonds...
I love the way it seems to convey the ending of a day and a beginning of something within yourself. The safety of clear day disappears, and as we are enveloped by night we can lose our inhibitions and do anything because now we are free, we can say what we feel, not what we ought to say. And dance. This thing we call life (whatever that is), isn't that one big dance?
And with your decorative language and beautiful words you invite us to dance with you in that forest.
And as for that fox? He knows exactly where he's going. Believe me, the maps in human heads are stranger...
Thankyou so much for this fantastic piece of work brother!
Jess x
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Beautiful!
I want to go precisely where you made me imagine. Lovely, keep up the good work~
Ginryu
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You have such beautiful imagery. You are an amazing writer and I always enjoy reading your poems. I think I shall add you as a favorite.
Anyways, back to your poem..
This was beautifully written.
I liked the flow of this. There is so much I want to say, but I can't find the words to say them. This poem made me speechless.
I love it. You did a wonderful job. Keep it up.
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utopia.. perfect wish... falwed in its planning, for an imprefect being cannot create a perfect soceity. Kudos, i like your rhyme.
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Superb Plus
Ah, a medieval marketplace. A ver fine descriptive write, my friend. You always express your thoughts quite well. Thanks for sharing this one. -
very nice
Well, love the straightforward structure... an the fantasy images representing our "walk to eternity" is very soothing... Lovely, positive, rich poem. Love the following:
It is this very life
that reaches in
and takes you
where you'll never go again.
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Beautiful piece. I like your use of alliteration a lot in this and other pieces of yours that I have read.
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Love it. Love the thought throughout, like, "It is this very life/that reaches in/and takes you/where you'll never go again" We'll never pass this way again, remember that song? Keep Stepping
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the flow of this piece was amazing and really just enjoyable. how we all wish we could dance through utopia's fields! well done! keep on penning!
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I danced through this one a couple of times before I wanted to stop to comment.... What a beautiful waltz of images and rhythm you've created! The lovely alliteration lifts the lyricism and carries it away where white weddings whirl. There's a sprinkling of stardust here.... Love it!
--Sarah--
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The earth
is moving under my feet! You just took me on another journey with this story poem replete with metaphor & imagery. Now I can lay me down to sleep after this interesting bed time tale! Another fine write you got me into!
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cool.sorry my vocabs not returned yet...
i like it. what else is new?
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oooh, I just love the way this flows along, took me by the hand and led me on a fanciful little trip.
Love this:
"Hear the steps
that are your own,
their steady time will
be your song."
I had to savor "splendid spindles and kettles" a few times too....
Lovely
Khia
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i really enjoyed reading this poem, it was very good. nice rhythm and imagery especially.
keep writing!
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well
what more could anyone say? life as it is enjoyed on the brighter side. Perhaps a utopia unrecognized by the dreamers. A pleasure to read. -
I bow once more toyour talented way
The fox "whose heart follows the song, of his soft and steady steps" such an image. the fox with a quickened heart beat making hast to hide his clashing color from the soft yellows and browns of dry grass and twigs. I have read allot of poems in the past few days some not to good. but coming back to your profile centers my soul again. and I am ready once more to brave the sea of thought and expression.
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This has got a really good rhythm to it - beautiful
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:)
I dont know what it is about this poem but I love it.
Your word choices are awesome.
You are such a great writer.
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I just love your use of words. such talent great write
-deadly -
Yet more pure poetics.
If you get a book published that has these poems in it I will be the first in line to get a signed copy. Remember me when you are famous. I truly think that you're good enough to be a best seller, If the publishers don't they must be blind or stupid or both.
Quality!
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Superb
Just my style of poetry. Just loved it Lowell! "Hear the steps
that are your own,
their steady time will
be your song." Very thought provoking for me.
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I liked this...some of the imagery and ideas are really tight - 'the clever fox whose heart follows the song', 'the splendid spindles (lovely alliteration there) and kettles sold at market', the wenches, the blacksmiths, etc.
I think the second stanza should be broken up a little - the lines don't flow as smoothly as they do in the other stanzas. And maybe the last stanza could be sharpened - I found myself wondering, 'what is a whiskey wonder?' I think this is a good poem, but with a little clarification, it could be a really good one. There's a sort of underworld-y, dystopian feeling about it - a little Neil Gaiman, a little strange, that is very interesting from a reader's point of view. -
Reminds me of part of the "Hobbit" by JRR Tolkien - something about once you set foot outside your door, you never know where you'll be taken...
Lovely write!
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this is stunning in word flow and imagery, with an old feel about it, i have read some of your other work and it seems to me there is often an underlying sadness, a tone of slight despair, this poem is flawless in rhyme and prediction, its like a salty stream flowing down to the sun, bringing me words of joy but the streams flow it turns into an invisible torrent of tears
tell me if iam wrong
abigail
formerly
heart ion sleeve
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EXQUISITE!
Good lord, man, I am speechless!
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its clear that your well read, especially older romance age poets. But I think that to some degree that hurts you. as many of lines are nearly imitation
“Raise your glass to the treasured moon
with song and rhyme for the forest dance.”. And some of the symbolism is very renaissance “Wenches and blacksmiths” and “clever fox” and while not completely ineffective I think other parts of the poem show you have the ability to transcend Shelly. I think a lot of your lines are very interesting and good. for instance I liked
“then lets you loose,
inside out,
on your brand new day”
a lot. I think you should consider reading some more modern poetry. T.S Elliot and E.E Cummings are favorites of mine and Dylan Thomas’s work is excellent. On the whole I think this shows a lot of potential.
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the stanzas make it feel very separated...but i guess that depends on how the writer wants sto protray it. a great write and a better read!
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this is incredible, most people describe the night as still, but you have captured the life in darkness. I love the end, and the toungue twisters are a bit cofusing, but feel...right. Great job!
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i love this poem more then i love my dog and i love my dog
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Liked the use of sibilance and alliteration throughout and the imagery certainly captured my imagination. You do paint such effective pictures with your use of language.
Great write as usual, thanks for sharing.
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Interesting and very worth reading.
The first two lines caught my attention immediately. From there, the poem flowed smoothly. There were a few times when the wording was slightly confusing, but otherwise, I see few flaws. You were able to create a time and place pleasing to the mind in this poem. For that, I say Good Work.
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Beautiful.
Loved every word.
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This opens a wide world of wit & wonder to me! You're very deliberate with your words and your meter is flavorful. Great stuff!
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awesome ^^
I love it ^^ very creative
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wow this is a very mystical poem with allot of wonderfull imigary i love this
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Nice work Lowell!!
Nice job on writing this piece Lowell. Good imagery and creativity in this. THANKS again Lowell!!
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I feel like a gypsy or something when reading this...I love this write! The opening lines are exceptional. The poem bursts with vivid imagery and flows seamlessly. Wonderful writing my friend.
Rory
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Such great writing in this opus my dear.
enjoyed this very mucho
God bless -
Holy alliteration! Wow, I would never be able to weave such an engaging, charming piece while using so many words that begin with the same letter!
I love how you've taken a central idea..."Hear the steps that are your own, their steady time will be your song"...and connected the beginning, middle, and end of this poem to create something entirely unified.
The last stanza is my favorite. First off, the word "wenches" is always a good choice...Then, the last two lines just grabbed my heart and gave me a serious case of wanderlust. perhaps a trip to NYC is in my future...
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thank you for sharing,, i admit,,, I read it more than a few times, and caught myself, almost, singing it a work,,,, thanks again
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excellent form!
hey! This poem is very good for analysis. It has a lot of alliteration, metaphors, and a smooth flow to it. It has excellent form! Good work!
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It's whimsical and sweet. I like how you point out that life takes you places you may never go again and the way you tie in each persons steps with being their own song. Also, being a night person, it nudged my heart strings a little. Every night is a treasure waiting to be unlocked.
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very well written.
i can only imagine this sort of utopia in my mind
well done again
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Interesting
I think the portrayal of utopia was interesting, and I think the use of alliteration was great as well. My only advice would be focus more on creating a smoother rhythm. -
Superb
As I began to read this, I was reminded of the spiritual principles of various Earth Mother Religions. I liked the flow of this piece. Thanks for sharing. For those unfamiliar with the term Earth Mother Religions, here's a Google Link (external):
http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rls=RNWO,RNWO:2008-24,RNWO:en&q=Earth+Mother+Religions -
Interesting
Overall, a great poem. Really, a very good write. 2 things:
1.) Line 9 has "lose." Did you mean "loose?" Just a question. Reading it with "loose" made more sense.
2.) I find it peculiar and fitting that you used "Utopia." Knowing the actual meaning of the word only adds to the meaning of the poem for me. Utopia, in the original Greek means "nowhere."
Anyways, really interesting write.
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This is really good.Like what you said and how you said it.You do have a real talant for writing.Great job
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I think this might be one of my favourite poems by you ever. EVER, haha! It's very bouncy and cheerful. It has that imagery I love and that meaningful message. No other words could have summed it up more perfectly.
I think I know what it's like to be at a Utopia, silly as that sounds. But it was a bunch of friends gathered around a fire in the woods. We all shared story and song under the night sky. We were dancing and laughing. The night would draw on and we were hungry and tired, didn't matter because we had each other's company. Funny how are utopia was sleeping homelessly under the stars with no riches but rather cold outside with a guitar and drum.
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This is a fun one! You know what it makes me think of? It makes me think of the story of the pied piper that plays his music and everyone dances behind him, following blindly. lol This one is light and funny. I liked it.
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This, in my mind, speaks of a person who is leaving home to be on their own. I think I only read it that way because I am a college student who is now experience more without mom and dad.
But it also has this surreal feeling about it. The last two stanzas really threw me. Just because they are so different from the first few, but I think it is a nice contrast to what I was thinking.
I am wondering where you came up with this type of idea?
It also made me think of like a first time adventurer. Which I liked. I think I play too many video games and read too many books like this. lol But hey we all have our little niche.
I really thought this was inventive. I just think that maybe you could place a bit in the beginning about where this is going on instead of leaving it in the end. Maybe switching around some of the stanzas or something. I just think that it would help readers understand where this poem is going. -
"Bow to the night
that pulls you in
then lets you lose,
inside out,
on your brand new day."
&
"Hear the steps
that are your own,
their steady time will
be your song."
Were my favorite stanzas. Your depth is always astonishing and your words are always so fresh and meaningful. I love how this write flowed so well and bright. Your last stanza is amazing as well specially the last line.
Great write, thanks for sharing it.
Much love
~Noor
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*blush*
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Hypnotizing and fantasmagorical. Love the alliteration of such siren's call imagery. Thank you for an uplifting read.
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this is amazing!
your work mezmorises me!
your Faerie
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A toast to the High Priestess, awaiting in the wilderness between rhyme and reason. Let the power of the mother fill us with song as soar freely into the night. The heartbeat of the earth to guide our steps as we journey into mystery. Finding amazement within the commonplace, seeing the wonder held within.
Also a toast to you Lowell, the depth of this piece helps bring one to a better place than he was at before reading it
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Raise your glass to the treasured moon
with song and rhyme in which we are tuned....
It feel like a song ... which drifts you to places.
"Bow to the night
that pulls you in
then lets you lose,
inside out,
on your brand new day"
My fav lines.........
Awesome work here....
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Lovely
Such a beautiful song and the words just melt into you. A smooth flow that captures you and takes you to savage skys
were violence and beauty become one. -c
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Beautiful...
The first two lines...Classic Liam style...
Now who's pondering existence? Haha...I LOVE IT.
"Count the stars that sprinkle
the savage skies
as you step lightly
out your door."
FAVORITE LINES
It's never enough...to keep you down...The light steps under the savage sky...
My mind is going in circles after this brother...It has a fairy tale feel, while keeping beauty with a hint of sorrow...That's what I got...
My mind is still reeling from this...I will return and comment more later...
Great work brother..
BRANDON
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I agree, it is lyrical. I think you painted a perfect picture of Utopia and it is almost in an fantasy setting. Best of luck to you in your future writes.
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Very lyrical. An overall pleasant, dreamlike feeling from reading it. I particularly enjoyed the last four lines.
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another very fine write, it has a sort of whimsical feel to it, dont know why, puts me in mind of if there were dtreams to sell, was it by thomas lovell bedows. Anyway it just has the same enchanting feel to it
solendid spindles and kettles
sold at market
wine whistles white at wedding talk
there is just something special about this one, i imagine a mid summers night in a glen somewhere, and you reading your poem out loud to the faries.This is superb
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Poet
not much to say other then excellent. Kinda takes me back to better times. True poetry.
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WOW!
This is my favorite ever!!
It is absolutely beautiful. Full of your soul. Full of magic and wonderment within the night. I am absolutley speechless.... i just cannot stop reading it. it flows like a fairy dances through the night. What a gift you give to each of us. I am forever touched by your words. Impeccable!
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the soft and steady steps from a life thats left behind and yet you hear the little sounds of a place called utopia...knowing from some where deep within you will never travel this road again...excellent my wonderful brother
as always you leave me thinking
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