in a final day, with phone held close to ear
he mumbled;
i am in a cabin on the most beautiful lake i've ever seen
and then wondered aloud, if she too
could hear the angels
m
Author notes
"Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd
when he stands before the king whose hand
is to be laid upon him in honour."
- khalil gibran, on death
A contest entry
- death is but a fine breath by adsaige.
700 points, ended December 25, 2008, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
do me.
Comments
1 - 48 of 48
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amazing
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Breathtaking..
Stacy
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Wow, this one is stunning and powerful. I can definitely see why it won gold, it's well deserved. I can see this image vividly in my mind, while reading through the words again.
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I saw that your poem 'dear glen' was a recommended read, so I read it. That led me further, to the house inside a storm and that in turn led me here. And here I shall pause. Sometimes I come upon something that stops me in my tracks and I cannot go further. Sometimes the smallest thing can speak volumes, sometimes the silence around a poem can resonate in the most unexpected ways, as this poem does. It captures such a beautiful moment that words are superfluous, and the fact that you have half a page of space, silence after the last word gives the piece that extra resonance. Superb.
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COOL
IT'S short and stright to the point and i love and my fav is the part when you wrote"then wondered aloud, if she too
could hear the angels" that spoken to me
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there's so much beauty and calm in that image.
did it give you goose bumps when you wrote that line?
does that for me every time i read it.
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Lucky you - to have the skill to write so little but say so much. Enjoyed the quote from KG also.
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"if only you could see what I've seen through your eyes"
Rutger Hauer as Roy in Blade Runner
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A Ghost!
This brought to mind Harry Truman, an 83 year old man who lived in a cabin by Spririt Lake below Mt St Helens in WA. He refused to leave home inspite of the warnings. He did not survive the erruption , neither did his cabin, nor even did the lake....
Grand poem to stir one up inside!
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This is a wonderful take on the prompt given.
Great job.
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This is simply amazing and such a beautiful thought for this prompt! Thanks so much for sharing this here. I really enjoyed reading it and hope that you do well with it in this contest!
Jeremy0826 -
simply amazing... this is one i will always try to remember for the sad occasion for death... its like crystal floating down a memory.
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there is such a great picture to imagine with these thoughts. the cabin, the solitude one can find there - the angels even moreso.
as always - there is so much to like and admire about your writing, this being no exception in the least.
Kim
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Something here
If only the ones we love that are gone can just pick up the phone and call maybe we would kill ourselves the-less. Got me thinking here. I like this
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I liked this one Cat
It is laid out nice and smooth and peaceful.
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is the cabin his body? Great middle-line with its internal rhyme..left me wondering what the angels do.
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Such a magnificent piece; short yet riveting!
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i may think you are a bitch ... but fuck! you can write ...
*laughing* ... you know i love you
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i may think you have an over-inflated ego.. but damn i love your comments
m -
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over-inflated ego? *laughing* ... hell, i write dribble ... but i know good writing when i see it ...
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Oh, this is incredible, as always. You cut to the core.... I felt it coming, right to my soul.
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Stunning precision.
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Oh man. Rereading this is amazing.
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i don't think this moment could be captured any better, so much room for the reader to find magic, wonderfully full of allusion and metaphor... and when taken literally, the impact is just as strong...
powerful and beautiful, in such a mary cat way
nicely done
al
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sometimes even that final moment can be the most beautiful thing we ever hear, maybe sad is not always how the person feels that moves on.
C
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im so sorry i havent been around to comment your work but i thought i might take a peek at this one and my gosh! you have always been the queen of brief and overpowering lines <3
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I LOVE the lack of an article word before 'phone'.
the italicized line is gorgeous,
and the thought behind the last 2 is.
Damn.
---
Jessica
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tastes funny this alchemy
and sometimes beautiful
still a depart
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wow
this is beautiful, and serene
the way death should be
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Oh nice short but sweet
You are one of the few I can read that make death so pretty
I didn't know that one could do such a thing, and just the way you ended this made an impact by itself, just that one lovely last line.
I loved it, just stunning and amazingly done.
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wow, just wow.
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Wonderous. You remain an inspiration
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this is gorgeous
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i truely love that you show me death through your mind....
it is a different kind of death that i am used to
and this reminds me of how sensitive it can be instead of violent, i forget that often.
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this is lovely and filled with light - and life in the presence of death...
~ Nicolette
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This is absolutely beautiful. It is simple and and full of life, ironic since death is the topic -
and I love that.
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i don't know what to say about this but i know it was something strong, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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the mark of articulation
makes the heart yearn for passing that much more when one considers those on the other side to find in reunion. the splendor of Gibran is stirring, to say the least.
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You do death with such eloquent style and grace...
I think it has to do with feeling the afterlife and knowing it is not the end, but the beginning of something beautiful and much larger than most people will ever understand. This is simply Mary and has your voice all over it...lovely.
♥Becky♥
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..how do you write death so pretty?
Each time that I read these kinds of pieces from you, it is like you take the air out of a big ol' fear balloon. Hm, that's corny. But maybe you'll understand what I mean.
So - thank you
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I think in that final moment we all go to the Paradise in our mind.
I understand this completely.
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And that's all that needs to be said. Excellent mary.
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Okay, I definitely could find something subliminal in your poem. Angels=heaven, right? So we think he's going to heaven, right? But, lake=lake of fire=hell, so he is infact in hell.
Clever, I must say.
Oh, and I like the structure of the poem. What is it? Is it like some sort of long haiku?
Good job!
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thanks so much
the structure is called noformaleducationinpoetry
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lol
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lmao.
Perfect.
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