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Then What ?

When two no longer share from day to day
love that should have spanned eternal rainbow years,
encounter prematurely hell's harsh way, 
when, unprepared, warmth wanes in winter’s tears,

when dawn lights up one mourning heart apart,
when cold creeps up regardless of bright ray,
when what was wed is sudden torn apart,
when what was said can’t be explained away,

when Past’s outcast, when there’s no second start, 
when all horizons darken into one,
when time’s conveyed upon a tumbril cart,
with warp and weft reft patterns warped, undone,

when, where two played, one, sad, remains, cheeks grey -
what then … when there is nothing more to say ?

Author notes

robi3_0330_robi3_0000 ASX_EKZ


Candle Pic
http://www.flickr.com/photos/richjohnsonphoto/342756945/

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Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • Firequeen
    November 3

    Edit | Reply
    I enjoyed this piece
    fitting with the picture
    thank you for the entry
    keep the ink flowing
    fire

  • Judith Chandler
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    Such wonderful imagery. I especially like the "tumbril cart". Moving and well expressed.

  • I am absolutely LOVING that picture, and the rhyme scheme does it justice.

    I loved the alliteration in the fourth line of the first stanza.

    (A minor typing error in line four of stanza 2)

    I love dthe last rhyming couplet! Hard to say aloud, but the final line is so touching.
    Great write!"


  • VampireKitty-
    October 5
    Edit | Reply
    good write...good luck in the contest


  • GuiltedShadow gold member
    September 7

    Edit | Reply
    Quite a tongue twister, but with a good point. I noticed you ignored the previous comment about the double "was" and wondered why that is. Thank you for entering. Please do not rate comment or respond until contest is over and judged. Good luck.


  • Nosce te ipsum
    September 5
    Edit | Reply
    very well written. good luck in the contest.


  • Maggie Kay
    September 2
    Edit | Reply
    brilliant ending


  • skilter
    August 29
    Edit | Reply
    very well written, thank you for entering!


  • Camille Morin gold member
    August 28

    Edit | Reply
    Cette fois vous m'avez incité à pleurer. C'est beau et émouvant. Merci de me diriger ici.
    Avec l’admiration,
    Camille Morin


  • blondone
    August 27

    Edit | Reply
    It's the end of the road to me, when there is nothing more to say... so sad so so true... the opening line, that's right where it all starts when a couple go days at a time and never share anytime with each other, then days turn into a week and the next thing you know its been a month...


  • Tinselpool
    August 5

    Edit | Reply
    I crossed my heart that I would review for more of your poems. 1: They're irresistable. 2: I owe it to you.

    I did find a few tiny faults; it's hard to find many faults in such talent.

    1: 2nd stanza, 1st and 3rd lines. I realize that every other line has to rhyme, but these two lines ended with the same word - "apart". I think you should just remove the word "apart" from the first line.

    2: 2nd stanza, 4th line. Should be "what was" instead of "was was".

    3: 2nd stanza, 4th line. "Explained away" doesn't seem to make much sense. I changed the second line a bit to let the last line rhyme. See if you like it. (I've corrected the little errors I explained before.)

    when dawn lights up one mourning heart,
    when cold creeps up regardless of sun or rain,
    when what was wed is sudden torn apart,
    when what was said no words can explain,

    Like it? I hope you do. My talent is as fine as yours, so my writing isn't as sophisticated. Of course, changing it is all your authority.

    My favorite part was your first stanza, specifically the first two lines. Overall, the poem was beautiful. You did it again!

    Claire




  • xSarahx
    July 7
    Edit | Reply
    Loved it.


  • Aedara-Wren silver member
    April 20

    Edit | Reply
    A beautiful but very sad poem. The dwindling of love is one of the great but subtle tragedies of humanity. You really captured that sense of loss and helplessness.

  • Superb

    'tis a very fine write, indeed. Imagery; rhythm, and rhyme are just fine. Thanks for sharing this one with us.


  • talitha cumi
    April 9

    Edit | Reply
    I must admit, for the many of the reasons stated so eloquently here, I am not a believer in true love. Too often we mistake love for a feeling and not an action, as love is a verb.

  • It is sad that as humans we seem to only exist in a perpetual state of discord. We highlight our differences instead of seeking out commonalities. This seems to be both true in societal and personal relationships. Very well penned


  • French Tries
    April 6

    Edit | Reply
    This poem is breath-taking, especially thanks to your last two lines, which -in their simplicity and the universality of their theme-touches everyone's heart. Very well written, as "usual".


  • Beautiful-N-Broken gold member
    February 17

    Edit | Reply
    In the second stanza, last line, should "was was" be "what was"?

    Altogether though I loved this write. I connected to it on a personal level. Felt as if you were describing divorce.

    Great write

  • holy molly, I guess i'm not the only one to experience a humbling effect when reading this one,my shoulders literally dropped in awe......


  • SEA angel gold member
    December 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    WOW!

    OUCH! With hot wax in your hand. I use to work at a Candle Factory called Starbrite Studios so that's how I know visually that's ouch. I've experienced the emotional part too. BTW: Excellent poem that perfectly complements picture!!!


  • Meroza
    December 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This poem is so strong and you took the prompt so good with out the death, horror, stuffy, but pure, logical sadness and questioning.
    I adore this poem and I think this might just be a early favorite so far, congrats ^-^

    Thank you for entering and bets of luck

1 - 21 of 21