It’s true,
that even in Winter, she would,
walk down the path to the garden
seeking blooms
her hands often trailing in the frost,
bits of the morning lost
I suppose,
bruised at the touch of petals.
who would fear
death by water
in this day & age
when the barks creak together
so harmoniously,
comfortably
between Autumn & Spring
when fire cracks in the evening?
The spider’s web
is long abandoned
a tiny twig spins
in a cold wind.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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hey lute!! awesome awesome poem here my friend. the words i can not only see, but they have a trance like quality to them as well. however, u did ask for constructive criticism, so i will do just that.
I'm the type of person who likes to read poetry out loud, i use line breaks to take my time and make it dramatic (because thats why most people break the line where they do), and i also follow the punctuations the way the writer has them. but in this stanza, it made for me, an awkward read:
"It’s true,
that even in Winter, she would,
walk down the path to the garden"
you see the words "she would" is followed by a coma and i just dont see why. a pause there seemed to throw it off for me as i read it. by it ending the line anyway, there is going to be a brief pause anyway, but to really demand the pause with the coma just really made the flow rough for me, but only that part....like hitting a pothole.
besides that I feel your poem to be flawless, wonderful imagery without taking it waaay to far and making it flamboyant. You are one of my favs, not just on this site, but period! I check your work out a lot for a good read, and to study your way of writing because i find it interesting. u really inspire me to write.
anyway...thanks for sharing this wonderful scribe, much love and respect to you.
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Such breathtaking imagery paces itself well within these words. I see her, know what she thinks as she saunters. I have always loved your work and am never disappointed after reading your poetry. This piece takes me to a place of tranquility. I love the Autumn & Spring. Your poem depicts the winter of their lives.
Much Love Always ♥
Renee
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I am still reading this poem out loud to my self over & over again. The first three stanzas are honestly my favorite because the cadence of each line flows beautifully. I love the concept/image of "death by water."
I imagine that water is frozen in the Winter, for the most part. There is this tone of fragility, given the nature of being "bruised at the touch of petals" paired with "death by water."
Do you feel the capitalization of each season absolutely necessary? For some reason, the capitalization of Winter makes sense to me. It adds an emphasis and functions as a reminder of the setting of the poem. Yet, with the capitalization of Autumn & Spring I do not feel it is necessary nor that with the capitalization it adds anything to the poem. In fact, as I read it aloud to myself, I get stuck on that capitalization & visually in my mind, change them to lower case.
I think you have a gorgeous piece of work overall & that with tweaking, it could be even better.
The poem also reminds me of Tori Amos' song, "Winter." If you haven't heard it, check it out if you get a chance.
Be well.
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When you rhyme ...
the subtle scheme attaches itself much like the signature of the spider: captivating in its patterns of chills ... the absence of many lovers buried by forgotten mythology.
I see Ophelia in this write, on the frozen bank scattered in white flowers of frost, kissing the roots of trees and shivering the barks with her sorrow ... revisiting the mourning town in Winter.
Poet.
Would you please rescue that tiny twig in spin? It may sprout green leaves in the coming of Spring ...
Love
Myra
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I tend to see this as Stef does. But it is cool to see readers *see* her many faces..
That last stanza is so Right There. But the barks creaking together is great sound too. And bruised at the touch of petals makes her -- so tender it hurts. The word bruised is one of the best poem words ever I think.
Ominous though with who would fear death by water....but that last stanza ... okay I'm ready for more.
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Winter, she would, - perhaps lose the second comma (?)
I'm thinking something other than hands trailing...steps, path, gown...it just left me with a "gorilla" image of her dragging her knuckles, ya know? You could introduce her hands in the last line of the stanza,
I suppose
her hands bruised at the touch of petals.
The rest seems fine to me. A nice piece of abstraction
. Rewarded 6
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Lady Winter walks and leaves vestiges of herself throughout this vividly crafted poems leaves nothing out, it postively tastes like winter.
I can even see the tiny spider dangling down precariously. Wonderment of observation, how inspiring is this?
Very nice.
I appreciate this write. It's set a standard for tonight's reads, thank you
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love,
jin
. Rewarded 6
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It does sound like a woman reliving her flagging youth, when thoughts lend themselves to death being prettier. Even in the end with the abandoned web, abandonment of life, toil, struggle...even then the simplicity is beautiful if we care to look. I guess we all fight demons in vastly different ways C
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WOW gr88..totally
leaves
uu
wonderringgg
gr8 work..lookie at minee
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This is perfect in its several layers. It is a scene from a renaissance drama, the barks clunking together on the cold waters of the Isis , suggesting political schemers and romantic assignations, the urbane, yet the arcane also. She is like my goddess walking with rime falling from the folds of her gown. in another way it is an alone, yet comfortable place to be- stone walls with a fire and red velvet drapes.
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this reminds me of an old hag trying to order other's life and calling it a living
its title could be mother in law
what's stated above it is not an irony
liked the expression though
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this is very good. i love the way it was put together. although i don't really know what its about. its a little scattered. but its so well written! i absolutley love the imagery it tells its own story.
i really enjoyed reading this!
your Faerie
. Rewarded 6
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I loved the imagry of the last stanza. I could just invision this girl/woman walking down the path and seeing a twig spinning on the end of a spider web. I thought this stanza was the best and most captivationg. The only thing I would suggest is trying to captivate the reader in the beggining. Allow us to be the girl like you did in the end. Overall I thought it was a great write! Let me know if and when you revise it! All the best!
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ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
finally.
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