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"Man Delights Not Me" and Other Critiques

"This world 'Tis an unweeded garden...man delights not me" says Hamlet

and so says I.

Out of the weeds we crawl, through tumbleweeded deserts,
through the most sensual jungle: comes the most horrid beast.
Popping its ugly head through the grade like a deformed flower
brought forth from beauty, but still sad, still sad.

For the fallen hair of man covers the whole surface of the world,
divorced and coarse, the hair is the weed that youth doth grow.

But God hath made it so, and God hath made the weeds,
"The world is everything and that is the case"

but was it God or man that made us race?

God's pace was slow, but man hath little patience and pushes itself to the abyss of destruction, OOOOO holy Armageddon, brought forth by God or Man?!?!?

 

Holy God or Holy Man

sing soft, but with a plan

 

"Though this be madness, yet there is method in't"

 

Whose method? Whose method? WHOSE METHOD?! The cosmic method of a mad man in the sky or on the ground that all questions revolve around, how vain!  On both sides, vain.

 

"What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties...how like an angel...how like a GOD"

 

says Hamlet

 

and so says....

 

 

Author notes

My responce of some lines from Hamlet, along with my other studies including Frida Kahlo's art, and Wittgenstein's philosphy, and my own spirtual confusion.

What do you think?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 11 of 11
  • luvdrkchocolate
    January 8
    Edit | Reply
    Oh. This is an interesting poem that you have penned in here. I don't think I've ever heard that quote from Hamlet before but I'm not that well read with Shakespeare like I should be. You had an interesting take on it. I don't know if I agree with you but I respect your opinion. I thought you did a good job of expressing yourself.


  • Justin Stone
    January 7
    Edit | Reply
    Its good in some areas but for the majority I just saw awkward and strangely phrased lines. I definately recommed working on the flow to better get your ideas across. Also such archaic words are unneccary you may be responding to a piece back in the day but your not writing a piece back in the day. Overalll it was a decent write. Keep on writing and working diligently as a poet


    • Chet W.
      January 8
      Edit | Reply
      The archaic words were meant to show how much I relate with Hamlet. Maybe you do not care for some of my flow choices, but they were intentional on my part. Thanks for your critique.

  • Saraphira
    January 7

    Edit | Reply
    I love the content, but I don't love the structure. I think you shoot your own foot with the center-alignment and staccato stanzas. Too many linebreaks, too many capital letter, quotes, etc... just overpowers your actual content.

    • Chet W.
      January 8
      Edit | Reply
      Duely noted. I was trying to experiment with more allusions like TS Elliot, one of my favorite poets. Maybe I overdid it a bit for your taste, but the staccato stanzas and the free verse with the out of no where rhyme is kind of my style, thanks for your critique


  • forethought
    January 3
    Edit | Reply
    This is very good, and I am familiar with the other works you were referring to, and I feel as if you have done a very good job. I do think though, that were you have capitolized entire words you could italicize them instead in order to make them more elegant and not quite so ... in-your-face.

    But, very good job, and thank you for sharing.


    • Chet W.
      January 3
      Edit | Reply
      very valid point, but alas, I am not a gold member so I do not possess the ability to use italiacs


  • grammabuff
    January 3

    Edit | Reply
    A very interesting poem. I especially like "tumblewweded deserts" - great image.

    "For the fallen hair of man covers the whole surface of the world,
    divorced and coarse, the hair is the weed that youth doth grow" Another interesting stanza and image - nothing ordinary here.

    Your word usage is great. If this was mine, I would consider stopping after "Yet there is method in't."

    I think it's another poem, but you could do lots more with the debate/argument/conversation between God and Shakespeare.

    Good luck and have fun.


  • Avatar of Innocence
    January 2

    Edit | Reply
    I want to know where the influence of Frida Kahlo is in this poem. Please point it out so I can give you a more in-depth critique. So far, loving this poem, but I'm looking for the fine cracks in this seemingly immaculate porcelain poem.


  • Robin Candor
    January 2

    Edit | Reply
    This is the type of write I like reading. You have so many sides to you, don't you? Though you chose the path here of insanity in trying to figure out the cosmos, you have very clear ideals about what you believe or disbelieve depending on the nature of the moment. Wonderful bit of work that has thought invested that still never satisfies it's own author. RC


  • aanika
    January 1

    Edit | Reply
    For the fallen hair of man covers the whole surface of the world,
    divorced and coarse, the hair is the weed that youth doth grow.

    interesting view.
    your diction is awesome.

1 - 11 of 11