another sorrowful night

Rushing out the door in anticipation with tears streaming down my face
Bursting through the door into a cold winter night
Sit myself down on the cold cement porch as I struggle with the lighter
Light up a menthol cigarette and lean back with a sigh of relief
The cold air hits my tear stained cheeks, sends a few dripping onto the ground
Look up at the night sky with the stars shining so bright and simply ask myself why
Why do I let myself succumb to my weakness and get so upset?
Recently everyday has become a struggle for me...a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, even a struggle to write poetry
So many raw emotions pour from me but I dont know how to express them fully
Nicotine induced "happiness" and sleeping pill dreams
Im so lost anymore and it seems that the weeks go by so slow
So sitting on this porch has become my escape, puffing away on cancer sticks and crying out for help
Craving the razor blade that silences my desires...the cold silvery weapon that relieves my pain
Stress filled boring days increasing the urges...how long will I be able to stay away?
Worrying what everyone will think of me if I have another breakdown...start to slice away at myself again
They will be so disappointed, especially him
He tries everything in his power to make me happy, though he fails its the thought that counts right?
I cant wait for the weekend...I get to lay beside him with his arms around me tight, kissing and making love during the night
Followed by another cigarette
Smoke...cry...smoke...die a little inside- becoming a daily pattern
This is my late night rant...when boredom kills and sadness overwhelms