There’s an empty sound to the voice,
like something has crawled out
to die between your eyes.
So I’m left, searching through irises,
desperate for nothing but blood vessels
and that childlike feeling –
growing mould in your tear ducts
but your tongue
is shaping aches into words,
carving acidic wishes like love notes
into dead tree trunks -
imaginations of life.
I could see the catacombs
crawling under your skin
Author notes
Prompt::
"Unexpressed feelings never die. They are buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways."
- Sean Covey
Poop
In a list
Honesty would be lovely
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Your work that I have read wows me unlike any other on allpoetry. You have a great talent. Thanks for sharing this one. I love the word 'cacophony'.. Awesome write. Best wishes.
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What an imagination!
Totally awesome writing!
You will be favorited! I know it's not a word. (favorited)
This poem helped create it!
Great write(r)!
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Well I must say I did enjoy this, it's a very good piece that could be made even stronger with some fine tuning. That first stanza is always a focal point because it gets people to want to read the entire thing. I'd just cut down on some of the filler words in that first line i.e.: there is voice of empty sound
it visualises almost an echo like quality, then you have used sound again but so close it becomes distracting...all you need is
something crawled out...we already can ascertain from the beginning that this thing is silent. the last line of the first stanza is killer good!
Second stanza: try something like:
irises to search through
left desperate
blood vessels and a childlike feeling
rot quietly in tears
(i took out the 'ing' word lol, gerunds are not strong so it's best to go without)
tongue shaped ache
worded acidic, love notes wished
anyway I am sorry if I have rambled but I see the essence of great imagery and metaphor in this, so I get carried away lol
Keep writing as it sure as hell ain't poop!!!!
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Thank you so much for that.
Re-reading that first stanza there was so much extra crap in there I nearly choked. I've cut it down some already, but a lot of your suggestions are really good, thanks! -
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No probs hun, sometimes I don't do long winded in case the person just yells at me LOL
but I have found to get a stronger voice you have to have thick skin
It took me a while to discover it but once I did I knew my voice got stronger too. Yours will because you are willing to look learn and listen. I admire your writing and wish I had that voice at your age but I think I was still into boys and not words 
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There is an awesome pain to the essence here, not sure if its just me - or not. As a loss, like screaming silence to a blind cause ... You have some great depth here to ponder, and the imagery is quite unique. I really liked:
"So I’m left to search through irises,
desperate to see nothing but blood vessels
and that childlike feeling –
rotting quietly in your tear ducts"
.. now that was intense.
&
"but your tongue is shaping feeling into words"
.. this line seemed a bit awkward to me with the double '-ings', maybe 'has shaped feeling'.. just a suggestion.
Nice write!
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As usual you're entirely right.
I switched up that line a bit, I'm not sure if it's right or not yet, but at least you don't stumble over it any more.
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