I cry still......
but you know that.
I can feel you
when you are near.
You feel like I think
a hug would feel.
The kind of hug
that tells me that you will always
accept me how I am,
however that may be.
If only.......
you could've known
that kind of acceptance.
I know it doesn't matter
now,
yet it matters so much to me.
I wanted you to love yourself
the way I loved you.
I wanted you to know yourself
the way I knew you.
I wanted you to accept yourself
just the way you were.
Not what you pretended......
How the alcohol did ease
your frustrations.
How the drugs did ease
your shame.
Always a smile
on your beautiful face,
always a tease of
mischief in your eyes,
fooling only yourself,
I'm afraid.
Imagine the joy.....
the joy that I felt in my heart
the day you finally said it.
God, you looked so relieved.
God, I felt so relieved.
An exhale that had waited
a lifetime.
He gets his turn!
He gets his turn!
I had watched you fake happiness
since the day I met you,
but now,
you'd get your turn.
And he.......
he made you so authentically
alive.
It's all any of us
really wanted for you.
It was like a dream
being realized,
like a spirit set free
to realize it's greatness.
You were happy
being you,
which made me
so, so happy.
My mind takes me back....
back to the last conversation
that we would ever have
face to face.
"I really fucked up my life."
I hear these words
a million times a day.
I wonder if you really understood
that having the courage
to be who you are
in the face of such ugly ignorance
was no less than heroic.
But now h.i.v.
would just confirm
your strongest and most
evil belief,
that you never deserved
to be happy in the first place.
It was accidental....
they said about your overdose.
Only a few of us
knowing of your recent
diagnosis.
Bullshit is what goes through my mind.
But I understand.
I only wanted you to be happy.
I cry still.......
but you know that.
Author notes
Dedicated to our friend, Steve, an honest man, the best kind of friend, a loving and devoted father. 1968-2007 He is missed. His absence is felt.
A contest entry
- International World AIDS Day 2008 by lordoftherings.
9000 points, ended January 24, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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This gave me chills, and tears.
Although I've never met this man, Steve is Not forgotten.
Beautiful writing. -
I have/had a brother named Steven.
Handsome. Strong. Able. Capable.
And I guess with strong demons.
Though I'll never know.
Folks, at least in our family, don't share.
And I may be a don't really want to know type of person
but I suppose people should tell me anyway
because I will listen and try to be there.
Lives can be such shambles.
We scramble our eggs of existence
and don't really like the taste
too much pepper and all the wrong seasons
but, whatever.
No life is lived in vain. Someone's always watching. Our heroes may have small voices but we here them loud and clear all the same. I'm sorry for the too soon loss of your lovely friend.
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You touched me
I really like this poem and admit to deciding to reading it based on my name being stephen. Its a tragic tale and i am sorry for the loss of such an inspiring man. His memory lives on in your work. -
I will remember Steve...by these words.
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Thank you. That's very sweet of you.
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aw, so sad...
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I have to be honest and say that this oem did not capture me in the same way as the winners. I read nothing that could pull me into the poem until almost at the very end when I was told of the overdose. Actually the only word that stuck with me on the second, third and fourth reads.
It is not due to the fact that there is no emotion in the poem. That it has, but it is one-sided. What about the character in the poem? If this is a dedication I wonder if it is a dedication to the writer of the poem validating their feelings about the situation. On the scale of using my five senses in the poem I just used one: sight and that was to read only. I didn't feel, touch, smell or hear anything extraordinary in this write. I hope that the author will continue to work on it and draw out those raw emotions that needs to be expressed here.
Thank you for entering this contest.
Gregg
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A reply, 8 months later!
You said "than you for entering this contest." I would say, thank you for hosting it. It might not have been something that you could connect with, but for me it was so helpful to write. I didn't enter your contest to win it. I entered it because I saw it as a wonderful way to write what I needed to for and about my very dear friend.
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This is very sad Loopy
I'm sorry.
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Sad, how many Steves are out there, living something they are not.
Good luck in the contet (hit the send button by mistake)
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Yeah. Steve was the kind of friend that would show up to help you move without even having to ask him to. He "came out" a couple of years ago, fell in love (I'm sure for the first real time in his life), and contracted hiv immediately from his partner. The most tragic part is that his partner knew that he was hiv positive and likely to transfer it to Steve. I'm still not completely sure how he died. He had some very strange health issues at the end and even had to be quarantined for a bit. It was officially ruled an accidental overdose. I just don't believe so...
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