Crash.
screeching wheels,
thrown,
a thud to the floor.
colors:
I'm on a canvas, paint brushes smearing story's among me
red a favorite color, beginning to cover me head to toe.
pavement:
A coffin.
Limp and damp;
as if thrown to the ocean with weights around my limbs,
sinking slowly to concrete ocean floor.
Noises blur together as a roar,
as if lions on the prowl,
who will find me?
colors:
Distinct like a rainbow,
then suddenly smearing,
chalk and paint portrait.
My eyes wide with disbelief,
the street has so much color...
...blur...
sirens
people
blood.
blink.blink.blink
[(black)]
shock:
Electric waves surge my body,
hot flames engulf my lungs;
once limp moving again,
pounding their drum.
beep.beep.beep
"hold on."
i grasp life:
cling to it;
a teddy bear to a lost girl,
eyes to a blind man.
"stay with us"
Stay in a world of hate,
where a stranger can kill,
where death is relevant,
singing its mournful tune.
beep.beep.
...
Death:
Lines of light
guiding you on their path,
Tour guides to a new destination,
publishers to your new chapter.
death.
Author notes
to me i saw someone laying on the pavement and i thought of a hit and run last thoughts and last actions.
A contest entry
- flicker by Death of the Author.
1000 points, ended December 11, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
colors: - that part was good (the first)
pavement: - that too, though repetition of ocean didn't work for me
Noises blur together as a roar,
as if lions on the prowl,
who will find me? - remove one of the "as"s
e.g. Noises blur together; a roar
as if lions were on the prowl
Distinct like a rainbow,
then suddenly smearing, - remove "then", I like the image
...blur...
sirens
people
blood.
blink.blink.blink
[(black)] -- I don't particularly like that part
. I think keep the "blink.blink.blink" then have the "shock" part, then have the beep.beep.beep.
shock: - cool
hot flames - eesh, remove "hot", what kind of flames aren't hot?
repetition of where and death didn't work for me.
There were some nice metaphors throughout, if stated a bit obviously I think they worked.
Thanks for your entry
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