Pale dissatisfactions block the truth from our minds;
We don't eagerly admit the sanity we struggle to find.
Does the nightlark still crow and does the morning owl still cry?
All we know is overturned; the age of understanding has died.
Does the moon still rise in the morn, as the sun shines brightly at dusk?
For now winter grows so very warm; we still don't understand even as we must.
Why can't the worn-out ways of man we know so well be changed?
Why can't all stems of delicate natural order be rearranged?
The stars we've placed in pale blue sky don't shine nearly as bright;
and though we say we wish for change, what really makes it right?
It's well known we want difference in our lives, our nation, our universe;
but what if our freedom has to be sacrificed, just so we've grasped 'change' first?
There's a wrinkle in your happily-ever-after, a tiny awkward seam in your 'The end'...
For if we sacrifice our freedom for change; how is America to mend?
Author notes
"freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes."
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: as unexpected as you [preliminary round] by Never Fall in Love.
400 points, ended December 22, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Speak Up! I Wanna Read Passion In Your Convictions by karma-n-peace.
925 points, ended January 1, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Inauguration, anyone? by aestival.
1200 points, ended January 23, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter all your poems. by xxRainbowDawnxx.
700 points, ended February 20, 281 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Important Issues by pinksnowboots.
570 points, ended February 19, 68 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - round one (for everyone) prewrite contest ENTER ENTER ENTER (AND YES THAT MEAN'S YOU too by serenity silvermoon.
927 points, ended February 16, 1509 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - GOLD TAKES ALL! QUOTE PROMPT QUICKIE by gigglesalot.
600 points, ended March 11, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Does the nightlark still crow and does the morning owl still cry? All we know is overturned; the age of understanding has died. wow...makes you think. I like your word choice highwaytraveller
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Everything in life seems to be a distortion, or at least a metaphor for something else, usually something harsh or macabre. Maybe it's just my mood. There is beauty though, sometimes.
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I too enjoyed this particular piece. It was as ten said completely intriguing. I found the format suited the pondering effect you were looking for, but did feel that poetically you could have paired this down for a better flow and truer rhyme, ex: you wrote
"Pale dissatisfactions block the truth from our minds;
We don't eagerly admit the sanity we struggle to find."
"Does the nightlark still crow and does the morning owl still cry?
All we know is overturned; the age of understanding has died."
I would suggest
Pale dissatisfaction blocks the truth from mind;
We don't eagerly admit the sanity we struggle to find.
Does the night lark still crow , has the morning owl cried?
All we know overturned; the age of understanding has died."
Anyway these are just suggestions of course and all in all it is a lovely piece that I enjoyed. Hugs, Bunny
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I found this completely intriguing. First, you did so well with the rhyme and couplet format. Not at all forced or unnatural. Second, some of the "distortions" you penned were amazing... my favorite being the stars in the light blue sky. What stunning analogies to what we might lose if we embrace change for change sake and do not consider what might be lost in the process. I just find such wisdom in these lines. This one really made me think. WEll done, poet!
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I liked this; I'm not usually a fan of rhyme but you did it well.
The images here were all fabulous – they underscored what you were saying without being either too obscure or too obvious.
I feel like there should have been a little more between the fourth and fifth stanzas, though. Most of the poem was these striking, powerful images and opinions, which was great, but in there I thought there should have been a little bit more explanation; as the reader it seemed like a sudden ideological jump that just didn't quite make sense.
That's not to say I didn't like it, though. It was beautifully written and overall enjoyable to read – you made me think. The last stanza was a really strong ending, and I loved the second-to-last line... Great job!
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Beautiful, moving and excellent expression of your views!
The passion rings in this write and speaks of your beliefs.
Gets one thinking! (we can only hope) -
Jetsen!
The beat to this was phenomenal, if you've ever heard of the band "The Streets" I can see certain similarities to your rhyme and theirs. Check them out if you haven't, he's an accordian on english acid.
In other news I was really taken by your poem, it had such raw energy that I really admire. Thank you!
♥.
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Wow, I really like this poem.
I'm actually surprised that you have not received an award for it.
Great poem..all the best in this contest.
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Yes
Great, great potential in many areas - imagery, rhyme, free verse, poetic device, phrasing.
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yes.
there is some potential in there that can be exploited. However, you must realise that you will not only be writing rhyme.
Also, this would be better in quatrains rather than couplets. -
Wow this has been entered into alot of contests lol. I can see why though. It is a grat piece of poetry and should probably have won an award by now.
Good luck x -
Great thoughts to ponder! I especially like,
'There's a wrinkle in your happily-ever-after, a tiny awkward seam in your 'The end'...
For if we sacrifice our freedom for change; how is America to mend?'
best wishes in the contest
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i really like this, especially all the oxymorons such as "the nightlark" and "the morning owl".
This poem is amazingly powerful and i wish you luck in my contest.
kitch x -
Truth in youth.
I love the age when all the questions start to flow...except when I have to answer them...Is this poem an OBAMA result? You had some forced rhyme and meter was slightly off BUT you did make me think. Thats good.
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there is so much original thought in the poem....enjoyed it
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What an intense and deep poem! 15 years old? Are you serious?! Whoa! Brilliant work Angela
Much love
Ylova
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What a profound poem! I am utterly impressed that a 15 year old has written this, I do not mean that in a bad way! I am so pleased to see that there are teenagers out there that can write such masterpieces
Excellent write
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
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Wow- this is a bloody good poem. Thanks so much for entering!
All we know is overturned; the age of understanding has died.
is a great bit. As is
Why can't all stems of delicate natural order be rearranged?
You deal with complex, profound ideas here, which is impressive considering your age. I am also impressed by the way that you have used fairly simple language- most would use advanced vocabulary, but by keeping it simple you are widening your readership.
All in all wonderful work.
Good luck in contest!
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i LOVE THE OPEN LINES, HOW DEEPLY AND MOVING. I LEISSURELY INHALE A NEW BREATH OF HAPPINESS. AND THE LINE BEFORE THE END IS REALLY SOMETHING WITH POWER. IT STRIKES WITH A LOT FORCE AND YET, IF ONE DOES PONDER DEEP, YOU FIND IT TO CONTEND MUCH TRUTH, A TRUTH THAT CAN BE FOUND IF ONE WON'T MIND DELVING WITHIN THE INNER CORE, KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK AND THANK YOU FOR SHARING, MAY YOU HAVE A MAGNIFICENT ONE AND BEST OF LUCK IN THE CONTEST
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I can NEVER write poetry like that, you're really good, if you look, my poems are childish and stuff, you should start publishing, the poems interesting
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A deeply philosophical piece of which I can personally relate and I really enjoyed the couplets, overall nice work.
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