On a hot stormy night,
when the chips are down,
your struggling in your bed
trying to cool down
you open your eye's
sweat pouring from your brow
wishing that
a fan
would blow some air around
you take your coverings and throw them to the ground
without making the slightest sound
You toss and turn until the hot air cool's you down
shivering, you lie naked
rolling back and forth
until you tilt your head
reaching for the blankets
trying not to move a pound
for the one you love
needs you not to make a sound
as you toss and turn
unaware of the action
and clutch you lovers side
untill you are making a warming sound
you sleep soundly cuddle up
until that blasted alarm bell blows up
and you feel the aches of that night
begin to make you feel not quite right
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Comments
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I agree with the last comment. It could be a good write with some overhaul.
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You should watch out your repetition of words here. They make it slightly awkward to read. "When the chips are down" "Trying to cool down" as an example. The rhyming here and there makes it seem a bit forced. The rhyme scheme is somewhat weird in my opinion.. take a look at your words: "down" "sound" "pound" "ground" "around"
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No it roll off my lips as I wrote it with ease, but not everything you write, is what you see.
Not all poems need to rhyme I was not going for that.
I was trying to convey how pissed off I was, to go to bed but not sleep soundly dew to the heat for 2 weeks in a row and I would wake up freezing.
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Thank you for you help! Your right the end of the poem loses rhyme because I am try to say something that doesn't fit with the rhyme but is a part of my experience. When I write here I write in the raw, which means I class it as a ruff draft until I refine it! I think it was pretty good for some that was so tired.
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3rd line - 'your* bed'
14th line - you meant, 'rolling back and forth'
nice peom, good variety of words...but I am a bit unsure on your inconsistency with ryhme...plus it does sound slightly forced
x
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