I spend most of my days flowing away the time
I see all around the visions are mine.
I fall to the floor the colors whirl
What I see there is one little girl
She stands alone surrounded in light
Something had happened it gave her a fright
She smiled shyly over at her dad
Knowing she still had him made her glad
Not knowing what to think of this vision I had
Or what to think about her dad
The colors start flowing in fear I recoil
The slowing of time had taken its toll
This time a mom stands in the midst
Standing there waving and shaking her fist
She sees her child and the man that she adores
She couldn't be happier but sad all the more
You see in this kaleidoscope of vision They had met the wife
Where one meeting meant the end of life
He wrecked the car only moments before
Seeing this kaleidoscope this kaleidoscope of horror
Author notes
In the picture I could see a vision of lights and it had me thinking of a car wreck at night in the city.The rest flowed from it.
A contest entry
- flicker by Death of the Author.
1000 points, ended December 11, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How does this make you feel .
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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flowing away the time?
I like subtle rhymes and semi-rhymes, but to me recoil and toll don't even semi-rhyme I'm afraid. Whereas midst and fist too (that's probably your best rhyme because it's the least obvious).
stands in the midst
standing - change one of those to something else.
kaleidoscope is a cool word, though that line is far too long syllable wise.
the last line doesn't work for me I'm afraid.
Thank you for your entry -
Very interesting as I can relate. I used to dream all the plane crashes. I'd give my husband the discriptions and later we'd read about in the news paper. I prayed never to dream like this again because I'd actually feel what it was like to be in the plane and then wake up screaming. Thanks be to God these dreams did stopped.
A well written piece, captivationg and flows well. Good luck to you,
~Mary O
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Written like a dream, very effective narrative. Good luck in the contest.
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Amazing!
This piece literally gave me chills as I read the last three lines. Very well done!
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this sounds like a real nightmare vision. I'm sure it will stick in your mind for a very long time. you have wriiten this so well and you've captivated this reader all the way to the end. Great Work!!
SilverButterfly
Mary
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Truly horrifying. I had a similar type of dream when I was thirteen. It was New Year's Eve, and my mother and I were walking down our street at night. I remember seeing a man and woman in a beat up blue mustang.
After I went to sleep that night, I was awaken by my radio which had a horrifying report of a man having chased his wife over the side of a bridge with his blue mustang. There was a pause, then the song "Tainted Love" was played. I was spooked thoroughly; I never played the radio any more when I slept at night.
This is an interesting account of yours. I'm sure it has significance to you. Good luck in the contest. Peace.
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A most interesting and highly intriguing piece of verse...I do love the narritive aspects of it as you see it too seldom in verse these day... very deftly done!
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WOW....very good. Great usage of wording to create the mental pictures. I am not usually a fan of AA BB rhyme poetry, as I usually do free-verse of some other sort of rhyme scheme but you made it work. There were a few points where it seemed a bit awkward: The last two lines of stanza B, the rhyme seems a little pushed, as if there was just something you were trying to get to rhyme, but were having difficulty. Also, the 3&4 lines of stanza C, again seems to be the same problem. But despite, that Ver good. I like it!
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Wow- pretty intense last line there, to really give the reader something to come away with and think about.
This is quite ethereal and dreamy, which makes me like it a lot.
Coolw work~!
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I found this a little frightening.
The way the vision is seen through the eyes of an "I" adds a lot of depth to the poem. Well written!
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Well written and flows nicely. The period at the end of line 2 is the only punctuation, not sure if you planned that, should probably remove it or punctuate the rest of the poem.
until immolation,
Grimoire
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