sleepwalking.

and today was my favorite kind of day:
so cold i could feel my bones shiver, snow tangled in my eyelashes, blood on my floorboards, and the sloppy pounding of my heart against the pavement--
i was walking in rhythms of "i don't need him, i don't need him",
mouthing the words against the wind like my favorite song--
the perfect clarity of it all,
i saw all the paths winding out before me like snakeprints in the sand,
yet i could choose not to react
because with the volume maxed out and masking
the sound of my own screams, cut-off bits of straw whisking over
wishes written/reflected on mirrors and the glass of my
easy.blue china doll eyes,
cracking open pill capsules to pour sand over my sleep-starved eyelids
it had just been so easy to just ignore the simple facts:
that the filthy stitches were all i had to
keep my fragile butterfly wing mask from falling apart entirely,
that the scabs skipping all over my heart (once so lovely and painless) were now
covered in slough, sickly green and dotted with blood,
healing after all the time i spent picking them,
and that the only person who ever really understood ("you're pretty," he had said,
"and i pity you for that"
"what? why?"
"because it's the pretty things that always get broken")
was my newest rumour for all the wrong reasons
and because he brought back memories of all the worst seasons and my personal involvement in their decline,
and that the smile "etched" onto my face was really just some paint,
that the bad part about paint is that it cracks and flakes and peels like a scab,
and when it faded it left the hard imprint of the truth exposed
for all the world to read my lips
so i tried to scribble out secrets like it'd help
even though he could always translate me,
even with my eyes closed, head down,
and i pretended he wouldn't read my eyes like guilty headlines: "girl can't admit defeat, details on page 3"
but it's hard not to notice the heavy taste of disappointment in the air,
no matter how hard i tried to deny it and no matter how hard he tried to hide it
in his soft words and serious undertones.
he told me his flaw was that he couldn't accept human behavior
well here's mine: i see situations before they develop and choose to sink with the (relation)ship,
sleepwalking towards the iceberg before me
even though my glazed eyes were pinned straight to it.
but like i said, it's just so easy to ignore the simple facts sometimes.