Sestina of grief

I'm swimming in a sea of blinding dark
And lost again to all the lights of life,
I cloak myself in mist and rain and cold
But nothing can protect my aching heart.
Time itself has quivered and gone still
and left me here, suspended in my loss.

It is a scary thing, this tide of loss
Emotions pulse, and leave me in the dark
Bursts of grief, then everything is still.
I have to learn that loss is part of life.
Let my love protect me, o my heart
For everything I know is grey and cold.

He told me there was no such thing as cold
And gifted me a life that saw no loss,
He held me there, protected, in his heart,
And scared away the monsters in the dark.
But without death, how can there then be life?
Despite his efforts, sadness found me still.

Born in blood and pain, yet all was still
And from my warmth I only gave him cold
I couldn't do enough to give him life
And now I have to grieve his early loss.
His life was one of everlasting dark,
With only growth and ever-beating heart.

I knew you, son, I felt you in my heart,
And somehow, I can feel you with me still.
You showed me there is beauty in the dark,
Perhaps indeed there's no such thing as cold.
I had to choose the method of your loss
Forgive me, that I chose to end your life.

Tomorrow, I can hope there will be life,
I'll feel again that second beating heart.
One life will never mitigate that loss,
But there is hope within that promise, still.
It will not be forever, all this cold,
I'll find the distant light beyond the dark.

In my heart I'll hold that flash of life
And leave behind the dark of bitter loss.
I'm cold no longer; hope revives me still.