these hands,
made for walking
sketching inside
the lines of every body,
black and white,
never any colour
cellophane wrapping
countless emotions;
found stale in skull
months later
digging the sky in;
rummaging through the clouds,
hoping to find
a familiar face
and sometimes,
in lightning storms,
as quick as the flash
itself, the feeling
of rusted nails
are hammered through
by the weight
of a wishing word
operating on injured souls,
attempting to stitch both
hope and dreams
together
and inviting every disease,
decaying from arthritis and
amputating themselves,
(wanting to become a full body)
now,
so much depends on
their grip, clinging
to the chest of belief
Author notes
My many different attempts to understand life, before I settled on one...
A contest entry
- Poetry That Matters by Cupcrazy.
3500 points, ended February 6, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Shoot.
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Lots of amazing images here that evoke deep emotions. Mostly I get a sense of searching and frustration...hands in a continual,seemingly futile search. For the most part, I don't think I got the full sense of what you were getting at, though,, with the flow from image to image. I'm not sure if that was in my reading or in something that you may have communicated better.
I definitely feel that that last stanza makes a definitive statement... the importance of steadfast belief. And it's a lesson for all, really, particularly when you find what it is your hands have been rummaging for. Nicely done!
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I love the changes, this is a great write now Ryan and I adore the ending, something about the way you have phrased that last couple of lines just clings to the mind and invades the soul. Wonderful work hun
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Thanks Bunny, I can't wait to see who the winner is - the poem is going to be an amazing one for sure.
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Hey Ryan while there are many wonderful lines in this piece and some excellent imagery, there were some things that just didn't do it for me. The overuse of "they've" is one of them, I think eliminating these would make this piece much more universally felt, even though it is a personal piece, taking much of the personal out of it, will make it much more poetic if you get my meaning. Okay I will give you a couple of examples:
My hands have
walked --
sketching inside lines
of every body, black on white
graying,
colorless...
cellophane wrapped
emotions
lie in skull, stalely
unearthed months later
I hope this gives you an idea of what I mean. Again this has tons of potential. And I will come back again before judging to see what changes if any you have made.
Hugs, Bunny
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Thank-you for the help Bunny
I will be working on it very shortly
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I really loved this poem, it's your view, nobody else's...Don't listen. Great job. Nice metaphors and imagery. =]
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wow.....the opening lineswere very intriguing, which made me want to read more and more, and i really enjoyed this! good luck and take care
Stephanie ♥
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This poem can be seen universally, these are everyone's hands, or hands in general. So strong lines here:
"they can feel nails hammered through
by the weight of a wishing world."
The final line: chest doesn't seem to work with "clinging helplessly". I think of a person's chest or a "hope chest". When I think "clinging helplessly, i think of a tree limb or cliff - I know, cliche, but the lines, to have impact, the phrase much make sense.
Many people can relate to clinging to a belief system of any sort as the source of meaning in their lives, without it, they'd fall into a void of meaninglessness, have many precious secondary beliefs "snatched" from their arms.
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Try it without the "helplessly" at all.
Thanks for the suggestion and the comments
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Thought provoking and with good imagry; a good read for me.
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After that long discussion I think you know what I want to say about this.
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Hm, not for me.
I'm afraid I'm going to upset a few people here, including the writer. Perhaps it is a cultural difference or the 33 years between us, or both.
For me this is too self-indulgent. Despite its stated "meaning of life" premise it seems intentionally arcane; as if the reader is supposed to admire it for its air of mystery alone. That's disingenuous.
I don't like the format and was put off by the cliched first line. It made me think of the old Yellow Pages advert. And the whole belongs more to appearing clever than seeking an empathy from others about how "lost" he feels.
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I disagree.
I don't know, to answer your confusion if it is just the age gap or the cultural difference ... but in all honesty I believe it is just you.
Different poets each have their own seperate style, tone and way of writing - so in all technicality, no one can really tell a writer that what he writes, in the way he writes,is wrong or right. However, people do judge and comment in order to leave suggestions and ideas in which to better the poem in their opinion.
What my point is, is that just because a poem is different from what you enjoy reading, it doesn't mean that it is bad.
In this case, specifically, the poem is made of a metaphor. This, although could be usd in various ways, is not going to be straightforward because the poet will talk about one thing that is seemingly uninteresting recites it in a way that the reader is able to relate it to a personal experiance. It's a style.
People do wrie straight-forward writes .. but in some cases, like I;ve told many people before, if you write about your mother dying with cancer and I, as a reader, read that poem - I will hesitate to enjoy it as it too straightforward and I cannot relate even in the slightest bit. When a poem is more "mysterious", readers can enjoy it by making their own interpretation. Abstract poetry and fiction does this. There are also various poetic devices such as imagery, similes, metaphor is one as well that enhances the poem. Even in staight-forward poetry. I can read a poem that says: he hit the ground when it could be straight-forward but the writer intended to mean he got depressed and not literally fall.
It all comes down to different styles. And in this particular poem, using this particular style, I think it has no flaws in regards to expresssion.
That's my opinion and you must remember that poetry itself is just that - an opinion. -
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Of, Never Fall in Love.
I'm fully aware of the few things you point out, none of which I need extrapolating or explaining to me. I wish no animosity with or from anyone. You disdain my remark on possible cultural and age differences as being "confusion".
This was simply intended to be fair; that my opinion as stated could unconsciously have been influenced by either or both with, firstly the writer, and secondly those who like his poem. It has nothing to do with my being confused. I think very carefully before I criticise anyone's attempt at this difficult writing discipline.
Of course poetry is a matter of personal interpretation by the reader - there is no point to it otherwise. However, I gave my own view in which I believe he failed to apply an underpinning duty - that of not being intentionally arcane or clever.
I've written and read deep and thoughtful stuff myself, yet there is a difference I know sometimes exist in the motivation for doing this. How someone interprets a piece comes next, even secondary to it. If you don't see the failing I see, then that's fine by me.
Your objections won't change my opinion on this particular poem. For all that I hope we can just agree to disagree and leave it at that. Take care. Peter...
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Hi there, and welcome to AP, I see from your Author's Page that you are relatively knew here on this site
I appreciate all comments on my pieces and I would like to thank-you for your honesty. If you don't like the piece, it is your own personal opinion, and without knowing other people's opinions, I would never grow in my poetry.
The point of leaving one a comment though is so that they can grow, and when you point out something that you disliked I would much appreciate suggestions on how to fix it within the piece, or suggestions on how to avoid such things in the near future - if you tell a write what you didn't like, and just leave it at that, it is not very constructive.
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This is absolutely beautiful. I loved the symbolism of the healing and destroying hands...the affects of man upon another. Although..."shades of gray" is a rather cliche line and could work better if you subsitute the word "shade" for something else...monochrome gray or something of the sort. Regardless, there is some wicked images that just speaks to the poet and old soul inside me...I am just crazy in love with your poetry. Beautiful.
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Life has so many ways to be understood. As long as we believe in what we see it as, then we will live accordingly. Nice poem and best of luck for the contest.
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"by the weight of a wishing world" oh my...
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Interesting
I find this poem highly fascinating to the pouint that I am unsure of how I would interrept life itself with the way you wrote this Lil Bro. I am not disagreeing with ya at all or anything close to that. I just find life itself to be so complexing and complicated that the purpose vfor us living her eon this Earthly realm is often what we make or interrept it as. any ways imma shut up 3 clappys cuz I fele weird LOL!
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My friend i don't know what to say about this other this, thought provoking, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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interesting opening line, that could lead to many possiblities. best of luck in the contest.
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