The night grows old, drear darkness cold,
The night air rich with fears untold.
The world's asleep this dead of night,
Yet I move on with fading might.
Though I've no home, no place to go,
Except the soulless soil below.
Beside me restless waters flow,
And swirling round bleak blackness blows.
Clouds gilded frame the ancient moon,
And winds weird sing their lonesome tunes.
Stars wink, stare, spy thru streaks of sky,
'tween shifting shadows drifting by.
While secret eyes in magic haunts,
Watch over their great forests gaunt...
Forlorn I roam these ancient trails,
An outcast born of life's travails.
.
.
.
My limbs are tired, they ache and fight,
It's time to stop and rest tonight.
Day was hard, and day was long,
But day's concerns don't here belong.
For poor sad tales of old day's plight,
Make not fit friends for blessed night.
Soon visions charming, sweet and bright,
Shall fill my heart with great delight.
Subdued by sleep, curled up I lie,
'Neath shadowed boughs a happy sigh.
.
.
.
And in the depths of my repose,
Far from life's unending woes,
Through eyelids closed my soul here sees
Formless phantoms floating free.
In silent groups they're passing by
Across a mystic midnight sky.
Hosts saturnine, they're dreams once seen
Of other lives that might have been.
They're ghosts I mourn of youth I lost,
My mistakes and what they cost.
They're envy borne for mortals high,
And mortals low, none worse than I.
These long dead dreams now haunting and scare,
Beyond my reach they taunting and dare,
Round and round they whirl and dance,
In frenzy wild, the hosts advance.
Nor place to hide, nor time to run,
My fate is sealed, my end's begun...
.
.
.
Thus submerged in grave despair,
I sense a touch, a piercing stare.
My foes withdrawn, in fear look on,
At this awesome eidolon.
I watch its form expectantly,
For in its eyes, shine shades of me.
And through those orbs, I spy a life
With blessings vast, some petty strife.
Though sadness springs oft here and there,
There's goodness too, much love and care.
How sweet the life that's being shown...
But wait! Oh God, that life's my own!
.
.
.
How blind I've been, melancholy-
I failed to see God's gifts to me.
In thanklessness I've spent my years,
Forgetting joys and counting tears.
Tonight I end this lunacy,
To live as life was meant to be.
Now I shall find contentment fine,
And start anew this life of mine.
Thus I awake this grand new dawn,
The clouds are few, the phantoms gone.
This wondrous day, this vernal morn,
Returned to life, I cease to mourn.
Author notes
"...And let the day be time enough to mourn
The shipwreck of my ill adventured youth;
Let waking eyes suffice to wail their scorn,
Without the torment of the night's untruth."
~Samuel Daniel {1562-1619}
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. * Buddha
A contest entry
- What do you have to say to the cynic? by RechercheCadaver.
1000 points, ended January 6, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Like it? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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your rhyme is awesome. this read definitely require many reads to be appreciated to it details. i loved the first stanza.. the imagery is beautiful and sketches a very vivid dark environment of such vampires would like to be in. loved your choice of words. it kinda old english poetry style mixed with present prose.
i am not so good with constructive criticism but i will try. these are just suggestion in the end its your choice.
your second stanza relatively to first one is not so smooth and i would suggest your third line of second stanza remove that comma.
as i see the whole writing style is in passive some of the lines could be rephrased for smoother flow..eg
1 " But day's concerns don't here belong."
but days concerns here don't belong
but here; day's concern doesn't belongwsr5hk8
2 " make not fit friends for blessed night "
make fit friends not for blessed night.
keep on trying different ways to rephrase you will find some lines sound better.
in your third stanza sixth line... i feel the word midnight is unnecessary.. or you can replace it black sky or silver or moaning or oozing sky. why i say this because midnight makes me stop reading ..it creates a pause which i feel is unnecessary.
the following lines
Hosts saturnine, they're dreams once seen
Of other lives that might have been
what did you meant by other lives.why cant it be just 'lives'.?
They're ghosts I mourn of youth I lost,
why are you mourning.. i find the line more appealing with out it
they're ghosts of youth i lost
your 2nd last line of the same stanza i think you need to put an article "a"
Nor A place to hide, nor time to run,
i love the lines between them they are very smooth.
your fourth stanza is amazing. it brings the real essence of the write. i dont prefer the use of awesome in that stanza but its okay.
and your fifth stanza properly concludes the write.
in summary this poems altogether is a very descent and enjoyable read with profound meaning and vivid imagery. the poem diverts from a drifters night to a morning dream of self discovery and respect.
still needs lil revision which in time to time you will as you grow more as a poet. you can work more in details such as the structure. its uneven and non repeating. structure is usually being ignored but its fun if you want to show off your poetic skills and only few poets give an eye to it.
thanks for entering my contest and best of luck dear
regards
abuyi
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Its a good poem and it does have certain elements of what I'm looking for but I'm still feeling (and I do apologise if I'm wrong here) that this is not entirely relevant to medieaval dream theory and poetry. If you enter it it will be considered but I really was looking for something that showed a certain awareness of the style and background expressed in the contest description.
However I do like this poem very much, it feels just like the sort of style that I love to read and indeed write. THe sensitive and emotional use of language makes it really peaceful. Thanks for sharing. -
Wow...
This is beautifully penned and so true to what a lot of us do in life...it made me just want to keep on reading...good luck in the contest!!
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This sends a very powerful message. I love the cadance and rhyme scheme you used.
Thank you for your entry.
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This is absolutely stunning. It swept me off my feet. Beautiful!!
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This is a epic piece of poetry. Well written and suits the prompt. Many should identify with your words for this journey is ageless. Thank-you for your entry, Ithica
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it flowed very well
it wasn't pushed or anything
very well done
thank you for entring
good luck
keep up the great work
Kitty23 -
Pertains so well to the chosen quote.
Wonderful how it becomes a personal journey
upon a page, but so alive as if it is just now occuring. Blue
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I really enjoyed reading your entry. Now I am glad that I didn't close the contest. The flow is perfect and the rhymes are not forced at all, and I know how hard it can be to pull off a good rhyme. I also love the idea of the orbs and of seeing your life from the outside. Beautifully penned.
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The imagery in this is fantastic! This is really, really great. I don't even know what else to say.
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Beautiful choice of words! The flow and rhyme scheme are perfect. Absolutely stunning!
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I like this! I love the feel of it, the flow is wonderful. So many lines/phrases I like, and the depth is very relatable.
I especially like,
' Forlorn I roam these ancient trails,
An outcast born of life's travails.'
'They're ghosts I mourn of youth I lost,
My mistakes and what they cost.
They're envy borne for mortals high,
And mortals low, none worse than I.'
'How blind I've been, melancholy,
I failed to see God's gifts to me.
In thanklessness I've spent my years,
Forgetting joys and counting tears.'
' Now I shall find contentment fine,
And start anew this life of mine.'
Lovely!
best wishes in the contest
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thanks
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good job!
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hmm I am not sure so will wait til you finish it before I decide.
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Yes, yes, I really like this one. Reminds me of the classical English poems of Romanticism.
It flows along the lines, natural and fascinating.
Yes, I quite, quite like it
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