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language was erased
by urine-scented fear
and metal shards
.
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
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BANDITS AUCTION #8
Wow. I'm shocked here, because so few words have been able to cause such fear in my stomach.
It gave me cold chills, and made me feel a little sick even
Good luck in the auction
Shari
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Bandit Auction #8
Hmm this is good, but I think the urine-scented fear is alittle... disurbing maybe as a word choice, and this would be better if it was longer maybe with 3 more stanza's or something? Overall the poem is very powerful, but seems undone, good luck in the poetic Auction.
poetic love
Brie
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BANDITS AUCTION # 8
When abject fear takes a-hold, everything is pared down to the senses, blocking out the bigger picture: no longer would the battle-weary soldier see or hear the guns blazing nor his comrades going over the top, but he would be acutley aware of his own person...the warm wetness spreading down his legs...the inability to think or speak coherently...and the whizzing harbingers of death in such close proximity all around him.
You have managed to create an entire battle scene in precisely 10 words.
Magnificent work!
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Bandit Auction #8
I think it isn't long enough to draw a clear picture. There was no AN to give a clue. I think a little more detail is needed. -
Bandit Auction #8
This is a thought provoking poem, it could mean many things but what came to my mind was this is about a soldier in the midst of a war situation who does not fare well in his farewell. (sorry, that was unintentional but funny).
language was erased (negotiations no longer an option)
by urine-scented fear (deep rooted fears overpower and maybe even paralyzes)
and metal shards (sustains mortal wounds in combat)
I may be way off base but that wasd my take. Thanks for the mental exercise.
You pack alot into your abreviated writes.
Brother dennis
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Your interpretation is pretty much exactly what I was going for I'm glad that you like these short writes
and thank you for a wonderful comment!
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The middle line was imaginative and I really liked the lines that were there. Cheers
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wow, i am so behind on your poetry! ap never shows me when you post something new half the time
i love the title and the part about the metal shards.
"language was erased" <--i love how you used that to start out the poem, you had me blown away from there!
great write!
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I love the "urine-scented fear" - vfery expressive and clever. And the language being erased... so interesting. I don't quite get the metal shards bit, but I like this
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Metal is something uniquely human (like language) - but (unlike language) we use it to kill ... that was the general idea anyway
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Aww. Sounds very clever. I wouldn't have thought of that though..
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Well, shortness-wise, this does make me think of a haiku, but it doesn't make me think of a haiku...other-aspects-wise.
"language was erased"
That makes me think of slang and how fucked-up it can be...like, saying "Jokes!" ostentatiously...ugh...
But for the most part, I enjoy slang.
That line also made me think of dictionaries and erasers, incidentally.
"urine-scented fear"
You knew I'd like that!!!
And...that's not the best smell in the world, I gotta say. Definitely not an aphrodisiac...
I like this.
;
Jessica
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