The phantom Traveler, without a name,
goes through life everyday the same.
He thinks of breaks he never had.
Wondered how things had gotten this bad.
The smoke in the room hung like a ceiling.
His heart was cold, hollow of feeling.
No quest for his soul could be found inside.
Was there a point that had changed the tide?
His mind would race to a time back there
when he had seen this cherub, so fair.
Her crystal blue eyes had caught his gaze.
The key to his heart was locked in her ways.
There in the night her silken voice sings,
as a master musician on violin strings.
The crickets would play in the burgundy night,
backed up by a river as it runs out of sight.
But now she's gone, like a fist in the gut,
a pain in the heart, a very deep cut.
His thought for her bewilder him,
left without a word, an untouched gem.
A feeling he's had of no selfworth.
The same thing repeated to him since birth.
Love is an ocean in which you must dive.
If you've never been loved are you really alive?
Author notes
It was from a word bank. Words were phantom, smoke, fist, crystal,
river, ceiling, key, violin, burgundy, hollow, cherub, quest, and bewilder. I am not afraid of a challenge...I just like to pick the hill I will die on. Haygood Wryter
In a list
A contest entry
- You Are The Key To My Heart. by Poetryintheblood.
575 points, ended December 11, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH? by Paloszoo.
700 points, ended December 16, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Endeavers of the Heart by J Kard.
650 points, ended December 9, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The AHA moment by jamesbliss.
550 points, ended December 14, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites. by Simone Brooklyn.
700 points, ended January 18, 65 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme My Deadened Heart Awake by piccola.
900 points, ended July 17, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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I'm speechless...and for me that's saying something
This is absolutely fandamntastic. One would never realize it came from a wordbank..there is so much emotion in this and the last stanza struck a nerve as it hits too close to home. Your talent shines my friend. Awesome poem..Congrats on the well deserved shiny. 
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Thanky...
I didn't highlight the word bank so the words just blind in there. This is one of my best (I think so). Thanks again.
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Im baffled at how a man could write somthing so soft, yes i know im being sexsit but its true. had me wanting so much more. i have read it about 5 times trying to find some flaw, somthing i personaly would change but i honestly can't!
Jezz -
Very nice..
I must say the ending leaves you thinking about all sorts of things on the topic of love! To love and lost is better than to never have loved at all for how do we know when we have found love if we have not yet experienced the loss? How do we appreciate that much more? Just some of the things that I think about when reading this. I also must say the wording is fabulous!
Maggie 
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Thank you.
I give credit to the word bank. The last thought still stuns even me. Love is the most talked about subject and (I think) the least understood. You can't put love in a box and say "this is love, that is love". Love is different for every person. What works for you might not work for me, and vise-versa. At 20, we think we are "old hat" with love.The truth is there is so much to learn it is scary (just too dumb to be scared). Love is the greatest joy and the deepest woe of man. With it we are alive. Without it...have we lived? Thanks for the comments.
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Powerful, unusual imagery
I liked the way the word bank words fit right into this poem, especially "burgundy night" and "cherub". Once again, because of the natural flow and rhythm, I didn't realize they were word bank words. The burgundy night is going to hang around in my head for a long time because it is such an unusual way to describe night. The imagery of when she was gone ("a fist in the gut, a pain in the heart, a very bad cut") is a powerful punch delivered at just the right time, before the philosophical musing at the end. It's not a surprise that this poem won gold. It is riveting.
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I like the use of smoke filling a room and just kind of hanging. It's a strong image. Great rhyme too. Thank you for entering.
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IT'S A RHYMING POEM THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE YOU.
In all seriousness, I'm really glad that you used rhyme; too many writers have abandoned it for reasons I don't really understand. It's nice to see that it's not lost on everyone. I write songs, so I use rhyme all the time (...rhyme not intended) but most people are against it for some reason. :/
Anyway, it's a great poem, even without considering the rhyme; the visual phrases are vivid, and the metaphors are creative and strong.
However, I think it could use a meter, as it would help the flow of the poem. Many of the lines have similar rhythms to begin with, so making a consistent meter and syllable count should not be a problem. (Most of the lines are nine or ten syllables to begin with.)
Other than that, it's pretty solid. Keep up the good work!
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LOL people who are against rhyme can't rhyme. As rakerman1 says, "It ain't the rhyming that's so hard; it's all those words between" ...
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WOW!!! Thank you for sharing this with me. This is a beautiful write. I could feel his pain. The rhyme and flow was perfect. I loved the last line. Congrats on the gold trophy.
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Thank you. This is one of my favorites. It is from a word bank. I like the challenge of a word bank. If you pick the right starting point, the poem will write itself.
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Great, I love it. Speaks to my soul, and so true! Wow, nothing to say.
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A very good piece overall. It is tight, has a strong center and the rhyme scheme is good.
Favorite lines:
The smoke in the room hung like a ceiling.
His heart was cold, hollow of feeling.
*Suggestion*
Poetry does not need much punctuation. As it reads, there is a dead stop after each line. Open the lines up and them the words f~l~y.
~ Except for a very special reason, the auxilary verb "did" is antiquated and only serves as a rhythm/meter extender. I've used it as well, but it doesn't read well, especially with the wonderful theme used here.
Congrats on the trophy for this one and thank you for posting!
Warmly, CookieZeal
as from me...
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as you get older, the cherubs are even more beautiful- and forbidden...! Makes for some good bittersweet writes... (and hey, may you catch one...!)
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well, i see you did get a gold out of this after all
You do rhyme well, and you used all of the words
creatively. I like this very much. Okay, I will be
your free verse teacher, but we'll let Amera teach
the hard stuff
Love, lane
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Oh, I recognize this poem;D Once gain, amazing flow, you have a way with your words. A wonderful little story to read! Thanks for entering!
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A very deep last line, that got me thinking. Good job with the poem overall, something I think everyone can relate to.
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A feeling he's had of no selfworth.
The same thing repeated to him since birth.
Love is an ocean in which you must dive.
If you've never been loved are you really alive?
Powerful words. This is an excellent piece. The flow and rhyme are great, and you pen the sad tale well! BRAVO. I'd love to have you as a brother! Thanks for entering!
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thank you for entering, this was a great peice. good luck
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Thank you for your heartfelt write, Josie
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This is really well written. i like it alot. There is darkness and sadness and the imagery is amazing. There is a lot said in this poem and I think it's one of my favorites. Awesome!! Very well done
~*Lady Serenity
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The flow of this poem was great, and I really enjoy poems that have stories to tell.
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oooo...I really like the imagery and metaphors used in this piece...my favorites are:
"But now she's gone, like a fist in the gut,
A pain in the heart, a very deep cut.""Left without a word, an untouched gem"
"There in the night her silken voice sings,
As a master musician on violin strings."and I absolutely love the last two line! *rose*
you did all of this in rhyme and none of it sounds forced, it just flows flawlessly
I think you did an amazing job...:)*hug*
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Okay this is so sad and full of what could have beens. Nice work on the flow and words used. This makes me feel sad to think that you mite have felt this way at anytime. If not GOOD! This would have won hun.
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