he said I stained too easily,
as he pulled the whites
from his eyes and
placed them
between the notches
of my ribs.
Author notes
21 words
prompt: white
In a list
A contest entry
- white by Cat.
2200 points, ended December 9, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Looking for Crickets 4 by Celticmoon.
1750 points, ended January 23, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
kind but constructive criticism please.
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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i love this one so much as well. very neat.
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I want to write so beautifully. This small poem is so coherent and expressive in metaphor... how you put emotion in the world of colors. I love the symbolism of this and I'm sorry there's nothing I could say that will match the beauty of your words. I'm bookmarking
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gnarly thrust of upper division into the syntax of adam and eve parts. where's lilith when the ribs come into play? strong and sturdy piece of bleach absence. beats the elitist approach any day of the week...
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brillaint, short and says soo much
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*cricket*
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Such power in the words of such a short poem, and written with such description. I am quite in awe of the simple tun factor this poem has.
Wonderful work, really.
Laura. -
This is brilliant. Succinct and indeed powerful.
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yikes! Brief and powerful...the bastard that is doing this to the speaker of the poem...well, I know a guy who will kick his a.. , well, you get the picture. Awesome. Write on, poet.
Blessings,
Myth -
what i love about this piece is the brevity and
thought behind it
the genuinely creative take on the prompt is well appreciated..
have you considered removing the gerunds?- i think you might be surprised by the outcome..
love the title.. i just read heidi's comment and i wonder is this the adjusted title? because i love it
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Thank you for the comment, and yes, this is the new title. I'm glad you enjoyed this. And I played around with it a little last night, you're right, removing the gerunds have given it a lot more impact. Thank you again!
♣ Tegan
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But wait, there's more. This is stunning in it's stark portrayal of love betrayed. Unspoken is the understanding that it is he who is staining you. That he is finding fault in you for something he is responsible for.
There is even a tacit acceptance of his projection as there is no statement to refute his claim that it is "all your fault." So the writer views herself as the cause of the problem, perhaps accustomed to being blamed for other people's behavior.
This has layers and subtlety of meaning -- whether intended or not, I can't know -- but you portray two fully formed lives in these few words. I KNOW these people and how they came to be the way they are. I know that they are forever finding others who see them just as they see themselves.
EXCELLENT.
Garrison
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Thank you so much for your beautiful comment. I'm glad that you're enjoying my work thus far.
♣ Tegan
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this is great! omg! its very powerful. i really loved it.
your Faerie
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Thank you.
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something so ownership about this. I loved all that was captured within the brevity and because it is so short i think it would benifit from a totally new title... having the first line as the title would probably work if it was a longer work.
'between the notches
of my ribs'
i absolutely loved this image.
something hintingly seething in this to me.
thank you for this entry in our contest!
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Thank you for your comment. I thought changing the title would be best as well, the problem is that I'm stuck and I have no idea what to change it to. Do you have any ideas?
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I think going off the strong word stain is the key...
using something with blemish, dishonor, smudge... even contaminated, soiled, tarnished, blacken... or go the route of animalize, bastardize, canker... there are many more
a lot of options that a sentence could be formed withthose words leading into this piece...
just a nudge
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Thank you. I'll whip something up.
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perfectt
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Very stark picture. Fits perfect with the prompt.
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this is an unforgettable image. love the title (:
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wow
such stunning, almost grotesque image that you've painted with your words
it's amazing
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bloodshot.
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