Falling Off My Trapeze

the paper crunches on the bed
in the icily cold exam room
the nurse smiles and seems nice enough
my heart is anxious with doom

my heart rate climbs
as my weight declines
beats per minute: one-thirty-eight
pounds: seventy-eight
my mom cries and cries and cries

i grit my teeth and lie
i stick to the same lame excuses
i repeat repeat and breathe
i suffered through so many abuses
i pretend they don’t exist

i resist

“i didn’t know” i cry
“i want to be healthy”
i lie
my meal plan i say is fine
my body however is mine

so next week comes around
my stomach hits the ground
i think i wasn’t thinking
too many tears for blinking

my weight is closer to zero
not long ago, i’d have been my own hero
but now i’m scared to death
have my dreams changed?
i catch my breath.

they see i’ve been lying
soon i’ll be dying
my mom won’t stop crying

i’m sick of this
i’m officially sick
a compulsive disease
i’m dead on the ground
fallen off my trapeze