Blind girl, lonely girl
Staring in the mirror
Wonder what she sees
Noticing her fear
Does she remember how it happened?
Girl with the long brown hair
I wish I could tell
Ready for reaction, when you see your face
Looking past the mirror, all I see are her eyes
In seconds I hear her scream, in moments I see her cry
Noticing her gauged eyes, bloody tears fall to the ground
Trembling in her lips
Hearing her scream, watching her twitch
Every time I watch, it makes me want to plead
Mirror, I don't know what she sees
I don't understand how she sees anything at all
Ready for her to turn, turn around
Ready for her to notice me
Ordinarily I would go, she has me trapped, in her nightmare
Ready to leave, I wake back up
A contest entry
- A blind girl at the mirror by Amazon Huntress.
850 points, ended December 14, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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this is great...
i agree with below-you really manage to grab emotions... so sad, and so well written with the sort of underlying twist, that become evident at the end... -
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Thank you so much
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You have such a way of catching the emotions in your work. It doesn't take that many words for you to do it. I feel all the lonely sadness you speak of. Sometimes I think it's the people who look on who are really the blind ones.
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Thank you so much for saying I am good at capturing emotion, ad even in a few lines? Wow
I'm impressed of myself!
Thank you so much, once again, for the applause, I really appreciate it!
And glad you liked it
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Much better!
This is a lot neater, don't you think it flows better? I sure do. Only one little discrepancy - you've accidentally spoken 'to' the girl in one line and not in the rest of the poem - "all I see are YOUR eyes" rather than HER eyes.
No worries though other than that, it's a really nice piece.
Thanks for taking the time over it
*~Huntress~* -
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No problem
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I like the way you use the questionning from the prompt - "Mirror, I don't know what she sees".
Very vivid images.
I agree with Zach that it could be trimmed down to add impact, I'm a firm believer in short and sharp! Filler words like 'the' and 'and', some phrases are messy - like "every time I see this, it makes me want to plead" where the words seem to fall over each other.
I like the entry, you've got some very interesting ideas and with all my contests, I always leave them open to the original end date to give people time to revise - but don't feel pressured to.
Thanks for entering!
*~Huntres~*
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Fixed it a little, tell me if it's any better?
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Thank you so much for liking it
And I definitely will revise it, thanks for the help. I always try to become a better writer
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What a powerful poem ... you have some great imagery here.
In my opinion, you could make the poem more powerful by cutting out some of the filler words, and condensing the verse. It's difficult, and something I still have trouble with, but it's worth it
Just something to think about. Thank you for sharing, and good luck in the contest.
In Christ's Love,
Zach -
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Thank you so much
And what do you mean by filler words??? Just want to make sure I know what I should try to fix.
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