I need every
starving inch
of oxygen,
depleted
and crisp,
until my tugs of air
are as resistant
as my pallor.
You are terminally sleeping
within
the hollow of my throat,
anemic
and ashen,
with
clinging,
pupil-less eyes.
Author notes
White.
Thirty-eight words. ish?
Don't waste a drop
A contest entry
- white by Cat.
2200 points, ended December 9, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Well?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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this is a really strong write- the idea was carried through perfectly- metaphorically the tumor could be a tumor or a
diseased relationship- not a wasted word... i wonder if you have considered extending your lines a bit- for instance
within
with
i don't think it adds to your piece to have those on their own line.. the one line break up adds an unnecessary choppiness to an otherwise VERY well done piece
m
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I see what you mean.
Thank you very much.
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Bravo !
Your final piece in wonderfully presented!
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Thanks
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I need every
starving inch
of oxygen,
depleted
and crisp,
((( I would like to start with your title... fitting yes and sets up this read perfectly - however i think you could add to it... what is it about the tumor? just a thought.... this section above was a great intro into this... i really have nothing to add to it and you are setting up the personifying the tumor and at the same time i see the person suffering... interesting viewpoint)))
until my tugs of air
are as resistant
as my pallor.
(((my and my.... I think leave out the first 'my' of the first line... because you have 'I' prior and with your brevity of this piece it will carry.
until tugs of air
resistant --- i am not sure resistant is the right word leading into pallor?
I almost want to have...
until tugs of air
become resistant
and pallor... I was hung up a little here... but worked it out and I think I see what you wanted me to definately feel.)))
You are terminally sleeping
within
the hollow of my throat,
((( I see you go from 'I' to 'You' within this... I get this section and find it very powerful but it almost seems separated from the first half.....I think to tie it together i would leave 'you' out... because of 'my' in the last line... i get it that way. This was the strongest section - terminally sleeping...so strong yet weak.)))
anemic
and ashen,
with
clinging,
pupil-less eyes.
(((and i am left with the whites of eyes....
your use of vivid images in this is very strong -- i think you could go more here with the title... actually pupil-less eyes--- there is something there worthy up top-- not actually it but tied into this would work-- am i speaking out my ass or do you follow? lol....
I personally like brevity in a write myself- which is a definate reason i liked this one so much even if i did tear it apart in my own senile way.
great idea on the prompt and thank you so much for this strong powerful entry)))
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Lol, thanks for the input.
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I read this poem, enjoyed it tremendously, and then scrolled down to see Puking Faerie's close reading of the poem, which I also appreciated.
So thank you both -- Lj for showing good poetry and Puking Faerie for showing that good poetry is being read carefully. -
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Thank you
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This was fantastic. Loved the images and overall atmosphere of it. I do have a few suggestions, if that's okay.. if not, disregard this
In line six, I felt you didn't need "each", since you say "every" a couple stanzas up, which felt a bit repetitive.
Line seven, I think you could take out "as" to make it less cumbersome.
Lines twelve and thirteen, I thought the dashes were unnecessary
Of course, these are all just thoughts
The whole piece is really just wonderful; I think this sweeps away the competition (including myself!
) 
Jeanette*~
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Thank you very much!
Actually, thank you for the suggestions.
Those are all places I was unsure about, I'm amazed that someone else picked up on them.
Definitely going to do some editing now that I have someone's opinion on it.
Thanks again!
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