A formation of a single crystal float
on the frosty breath of a winter's chill
Multiplies;
mold into individual designs
shimmer;
a sheet of ivory silk
A contest entry
- white by Cat.
2200 points, ended December 9, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Im still revising this piece. Constructive criticism is welcome
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Well captured.
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I think this piece is lovely but I do agree with the judges here, the use of gerunds weakens the piece somewhat, the images are much more striking with molded and shimmered. But the resonance in this is lovely
C
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oooo...and i never changed it! i'll do that now ..thanx because i definately agree! bad habit of mine...so many have told me about using -ing
thanx again 
i appreciate you reading my works and your critiques also
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Yep much stronger
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nice stitch of scene sentiment
you did well to let us linger with largest detail at tiniest moment worth watching for the next to be stuck through with puncturing impact that loops back.
the eventual layering effect is even reflected by your thoughts observing since "on the frosty breath of a winter's chill" has elements similar to a line in your last poem I read. like it is morphed by more emphasis in a stretch of returning fabric, advancing either way.
the last verse here gives a crisp inspiration
nice when we were snowed in in minor way but major on morning for husband to get component of it being sparkly frozen since it wasn't moving for a while, and neither did we want to --
called Carolyn
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This is beautiful. I love the imagery and the words. Lovely flow as well. You have great talent with words. I mean that!!
Much love
Ylova
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OMG! you keep making me blush ... Im not use to attention... i want to go crawl into a hole... ahhhhhhhh! lol
thanx for all the nice comments
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Thank YOU for sharing all these lovely pieces. Your writing is really inspiring. I mean. REALLY inspiring. I just feel like floating into the air, and sitting on a cloud and just write, write and write away! Hahaha
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This piece is overflowing with imagery. I love the picture you have created.
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The beauty
of the glow is inspiring in it's simplicity. A most beautiful piece!
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i'm a bit awestruck.. you have created a visual piece that is just beautiful
i love heidi's comment to you.. she is so inciteful with her reads
i would eliminate the gerund(ing endings) whenever possible
molded into individual design
shimmering
a sheet of ivory silk
lovely, lovely work
m
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A formation of a single crystal float
on the frosty breath of a winter's chill
(((you know... i loved the idea of this.. to me it is one individual molding personalities to become something truely beautiful.. just where i went in metaphor... anyway.... I could see where you started and where you were going. My thoughts on this are actually minimalistic says more...
for example:
Single crystals float on the frosty breath
of winter's chill
--- then lead into the multiplies....)))
Multiplies;
molding themselves into
individual designs
((( this was the part i liked the most that personified the snowflake to a person for me...and growth -- lovely.
Take out 'themselves' because you speak of them already earlier...
for example:
Multiplied and molded into
individual designs)))
Like stars, they shimmer;
a sheet of ivory silk
(((the word shimmer here-- i liked it a lot but no need really to tell me like stars... i get that already by them falling from the sky- already spoken but not spoken you know? smart folks get that and you can believe that you are good enough to leave some things unsaid, because you are.
--- they shimmered
a sheet of ivory silk....
i know it shortens it but there is brevity in life of a snowflake to me as beautiful as they are they die and yet i love the snow storm feel of ivory silk-- seeing sheets of snow fall--something sexy about silk sheets i enjoyed this a lot!
You are a really good writer and I appreciate you entering our contest!)))
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Thank you for the critiques...very helpful I will have to do some revising
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Well Done
If you would like some comments, I will be honored to make some suggestions. But in all honesty, your submission is very well done. If you would like, let me know.
bjarne
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I shiver at the thought...
Dynomite comes in small packages, also. Free verse at it's best. Good take on it.
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Jach Frost is dead...
damn you thermal-panes!
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