Right when I thought I had figured things out,
FEAR sauntered in and introduced DOUBT.
The twins came over, DISMAY and DESPAIR.
Then APATHY appeared. Does anyone care?
DISGUST and DISDAIN knocked on my door.
DISILLUSIONMENT laughed at what was in store.
ENVY and PRIDE brought unanimous cheers.
DOOM and DESPERATION cultivated fears.
DEFIANCE brought a sign reading, “Come watch him fall.”
A gruesome and grotesque masquerade ball.
A party complete full of Demons and Ghouls.
This chaotic nightmare was void of all rules.
I ventured outside away from the noise,
despondent by actions that EVIL employs.
I sat on the porch with my hands on my face.
The stench of DESTRUCTION dispensing DISGRACE.
I cried out, “Dear Lord, what more can I do?”
I jumped when a voice said, “It’s all up to you.”
I gathered my senses and offered a seat
to an elderly woman, who lived down the street.
“That’s quite a party you seem to be throwing.”
I nodded my head, “It just keeps on growing.”
She leaned in and whispered, “They run in packs,
carefully planning these full-scale attacks.”
I asked her the reason they all showed up here?
She said, “You empowered the illusion of FEAR.
Without you to help them, their power is weak.
They gather up strength from words that you speak.
What you don’t understand, regardless it’s true,
GOD gave authority over Demons to YOU.”
Something made sense in what she had said.
She changed the perceptions I had in my head.
So, I stormed in the house with COURAGE and PEACE,
screaming, “It’s over! This party must cease!”
CONVICTION paraded as FAITH filled my heart.
In the name of JESUS, I demanded they part!
Their revelry turned into howling and shrieks.
A bellowing ANGST echoed out from the peaks.
They whined and moaned but followed command.
HOPE cleansed the room and TRUTH took a stand.
I looked for my friend. She was no longer there.
“Thank you” I shouted into the night air.
My wife entered in with a flash of DELIGHT.
With one look she asked, “Are you feeling alright?”
I gave her a smile yelling, “FREEDOM rings!
Your church-lady friend just taught me some things.”
“You must be dreaming” she said, “Don’t you know?
That lady, named GRACE, died two weeks ago.”
Author notes
Are you fighting off your demons, do you know how? Option 10
Kevin Pace WordsDoMatter
In a list
- Spiritual Story Poems • next in list
- My Personal Favorites • next in list
- Dramatic Story Poems • next in list
- Gold Medal Winners • next in list
A contest entry
- absolutly anything! by nobodys-girl.
527 points, ended December 29, 2008, 81 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - #39 THEME CONTEST (: by Walk-Free.
700 points, ended January 2, 31 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - your best prewrite. by jayyniecakes..
400 points, ended February 22, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My Anniversary by Lady-Pegasus.
6000 points, ended March 29, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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Jaw-Dropping!
Kevin, my spiritual brother in Christ,
I'm amazed at how God's using you
to help me win this fight.
There is one demon that has
been with me for 6 years,
of course not counting the spirit of FEAR.
You have indeed encouraged and challenged
me to stay on my face in prayer
and to thank God for new mercies,
that which we see every day.
I cannot thank you enough,
I know that I have to stand tough,
but I won't do it alone.
With God by my side,
I know I can stand strong.
But one thing beguiles me
and that thing is this:
I never knew that demons
prowl and attack by
the words spoken from my own lips!
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This is an interesting rhyming quatrain. I enjoyed the images combined with the interjected narrative. Your rhymes are very good but could be improved by using a few feminine rhymes. As the contest judge I have a problem with the meter in this poem. I don’t understand why you capitalized some words making the reader stress them. You also combine trochaic, anapestic, iambic and dactylic syllabic meters all in the same poem making it choppy when recited aloud. Good Luck in the final judging.
Love,
Amera♥
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great take on the prompt. your choice of words are powerful and it rhymed well also. thanks for sharing and good luck.
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Quite the different piece of poetry. I like the concept, most people describe the emotions you use in your poem as seperated events or as a collision of emotions.
The only thing critical to say is better wording could have been of an option in one or two stanza's.
Thankls for entering!
Love, Raneika
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I forgot...
....verse 4, line 2, which I didn't like.
I've thought of an alternative :-
"I ventured outside away from the din,
Despondent of actions by EVIL and SIN."
Robin.
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Sorry Kevin...
....got rat-arsed after the golf, and am just sort of re-surfacing.
Will continue with my monster "dig"!
Verse 8) Syllable count 11,11,9,11, yet it appears to flow pretty well, emphasising my point that counting syllables is not the be-all-and-end-all of flow improvement.
Verse 9) This verse does NOT flow well, and the syllable count will highlight why :- 11,10,11,12.
May I humbly suggest :-
"Screaming "Right boys, it's over, this party must cease!" This gives you an acceptable 11,12,11,12.
Verse 10) 11,11,9,9. Although this verse flows reasonably well, I believe it could be bettered thus :-
"They whined and they moaned but still followed command, hope cleansed the room and then truth took a stand". Although my last line is only 10 syllables, it still seems to fit better IMO.
Verse 11) 11,10,11,11. A suggestion - replace "thank you" with "I'm grateful", providing the extra syllable. You know I don't like full stops in mid-line, particularly when the 2nd sentence is a continuation of the thought : I prefer a colon or semi-colon. Also "entered in" is bad English ; "in" is superfluous, there is no other way of entering, one cannot enter out, one either enters or exits! "My wife sauntered in" would be better.
Verse 12) This verse has a perfect 10s syllable count, yet I don't like the flow, and think it can be bettered, PLUS, I don't like the expression "freedom rings". "Freedom reigns" would be better, but I'm sruggling for a rhyme. I'll give this some thought for a few minutes......this isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, just a thought :-
'I gave her a smile yelling, "Freedom is best",
Your church-lady friend has put me to the test.'
You missed the comma after "dreaming", and I think the 2 commas in the last line are superfluous.
Despite ALL the above, I still think it's a very good poem - pedantry is just a word that I'm in love with.
You may not agree with much of what I've written, but it was done with supreme belief and honesty - I don't pretend for one minute to be an expert ; but I DO have very strong opinions.
All the best Kevin, and it would be interesting to know what you think about my suggestions.
Sincerely,
Robin.
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Robin
wow, you've given me some work here - lol sincerely, I do appreciate it (and will dive into the details next week) - take care my friend - Kevin
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Well Kevin old lad...
...you asked me, so here I go.
You may think this is one of your best pieces ; I don't! I love the concept, but in just ONE reading, I've highlighted in my head loads of mistakes in flow and grammar, so will now analise and make a few suggestions.
Line 1) This point may be a difference of country and/or culture, and therefore not valid to you, but certainly here, in England (though I'm not there at the mo.), the word "Right" would not be the best word to use. I would use "Just". I would also write "things figured out", but that's taking pedantry to new heights!
Verse 2) Check your syllable count : though it's not always an infallible guide, it can be useful. Your verse reads 9, 11, 10, 11. You could have got away with 9, 11, 9, 11, or other alternatives, but not the former. May I suggest an improvement :-
"Disgust and disdain BOTH knocked on my door" - this would provide a 10, 11, 10, 11 count which is not perfect, but acceptable. Also, why did ENVY and PRIDE bring cheers - this doesn't seem right to me?
Verse 3) Again, syllable count spoils flow IMO. Yours reads 12, 10, 11, 11. May I suggest :-
DEFIANCE approached saying, "Come watch him fall,"
How gruesome it is at this masquerade ball...
Verse 4) I don't like line 2 in this verse, though I'm struggling to better it at the mo. I'll go and make a cup of tea and come back to it! (Exits stage left for 5 minutes....) Bugger me, still can't think how to better it, but I still don't like it. Will come back to that later. Ref. the flow, if you stick "and" in front of "away" in the 1st line, that will give you perfect 11 syllable counts for each line.
Verse 5) You have 3 lines starting "I". 2nd line could start "And", which would be better, 3rd line could even start "then" if you wanted to. Syllable count 11,11,11,12 - but it still flows OK IMO. You could change it to "strange old woman" which would make it perfect 11s, but I prefer to leave it.
Verse 6) 11,11,10,10 - flows OK, but I still think if you add "all" before "run", it would be better.
Verse 7) "Feeling" of fear and "The" words would be better for flow.
Sorry got to go - playing golf with the boys ; will do verse 8+ later tonight.
Regards,
Robin.
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very well written i can see why you won this contest
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..wow.
this flowed so well!
the rhyme wasn't ever kitchy or overdone
and the story came together so welll....
i liked, also, how you capitalized the names of the emotions.
... i stand impressed. !
hats off.
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nice response
I like that, a unique response - well done - Kevin
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this is one of the best poems i have ever read.
brilliant job on pulling it all together with the great flow and rhyme.
i love it!
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seriously?
wow, I take that as a tremendous compliment... actually, who am I kidding? I just held the pen and listened very well. I had no idea where it was going when it began writing itself on the page before me. - thanks - Kevin
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Wow
LOVE THE RHYTHYM! What a poem. You become a favourite with that one.
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Powerful
I totally loved this poem. I was sitting here at work feeling sorry for myself and playing around on the computer instead of working. I haven't been here to allpoetry in a few months so I decided that maybe some poetry would make me feel better and WOW I just happened to stumble upon this particular poem. I am not "religious" either, but I do have a relationship with God and I believe that he led me to this poem.
I have been crying today for no reason in particular but yet for every reason I can think of - if that even makes sense.
Well, anyway, your poem has opened my eyes to the fact that I am the one who is allowing all the negative things in my life to have such power and that I am the only one who can take that power back.
Thank you for posting this. I was crying when I started reading it and now I am crying as I type this but for a totally different reason.
Good luck in the contest. The despair and depression in the beginning of this piece was evident and consuming and the hope and peace built in such an awesome way. I could feel the presence of the power of faith. Great Job!
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Wow!
you made my day... what an honor for a writer to move someone in such a way.. I've got to tell you this one was totally a God thing... I started out with naming the demons, and look where it went. I had no idea where it was going, and was assurprised as anyone at the ending (or the housecleaning). God does give us the authority, it is our choice... no one controls our attitude but us. No one else has that power, no matter what situation. I do have a few more that really relate to this same topic, if you would endulge me... one is "A God-awesome Day" (about my Mom) - another is "A Stark Revelation" where I learned 1st hand that MY words were not helping... another one is "On a Big Billboard Sign" where God actually sent me a message at just the moment I was looking for it (I believe). Maybe you were looking for something as well... I'm so glad you enjoyed this... and thanks for letting me know your reaction. - You have been prayed for - Kevin
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this it awesome. im not a religious person at all but even i loved this poem. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck!
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thanks
I'm not very "religious" either... my faith is strong though - thanks for reading and responding - Kevin
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I love this poem. It's powerful and strong and inspiring.
It's got a great flow, rhythm and form. I love the rhyming scheme. It never once seems forced, and when you read it out loud, you find yourself reading to a beat, which I love.
Brilliantly creative and I genuinely love this work.
Good luck in the contest.
Sarah -
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thanks
the cool thing about it is that it is absolutely true, we do hold the power over the demons in our life.... God gae us that power... we just rarely use it. thanks for your enthusiastic review - Kevin -
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Sure thing.
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Awesome work! I have been fighting my own demons the last five years after dealing with an abusive father, my parents' divorce, and suffering through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Your poem here was a true inspiration and has helped me to rekindle my Faith. Thank you!!!
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wow
how cool is that? I am honored to have anything to do with raising someone's faith, or having a part in telling someone how, Biblically, they can fight their demons. thanks for reading and responding - Kevin
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You live a mighty word.
Faith filled all the way to the last sentence. Very good usage and play on words, and a captivating ending.
Bravo dear friend.
~ James ~
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that is one...
of the coolest compliments I have ever recieved. thank you - God bless - Kevin
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Kevin, my spiritual brother in Christ,
I'm amazed at how God's using you
to help me win this fight.
There is one demon that has
been with me for 6 years,
of course not counting the spirit of FEAR.
You have indeed encouraged and challenged
me to stay on my face in prayer
and to thank God for new mercies,
that which we see every day.
I cannot thank you enough,
I know that I have to stand tough,
but I won't do it alone.
With God by my side,
I know I can stand strong.
But one thing beguiles me
and that thing is this:
I never knew that demons
prowl and attack by
the words spoken from my own lips! -
Wow, nice write. I think in the first line of the second stanza you might have meant "FREEDOM reigns." However, you might not have for all I know Great write, it flowed well and keep me reading. Good luck in the contest!
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I didn't except any entries in number ten and at least not the first one, but I absolutely love this one! How did you know my twisted humor this well! This made me laugh all the way trough and I just adore every single line! The rhyme and flow made it so catchy that I became disappointed when the poem came to an end.
Thank you for taking the time to enter and best of luck!
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wow, this flow, the rhyming, the great words, the creativity, the whole tale! i loved it! and the twist at the end was wonderful to, where the old lady died two weeks ago. i wish you the best in the contest, but youi probably don't need it! great great great job!
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