Flutters of the heart
weaken the stubborn
pride of hopelessness.
The difficult levels
of Love, pressure
themselves upon
you, me, but never
themselves.
Trapping their altered
breaths and foreign
minds in our revulsion.
Suffering through our
pain, and crying our
tears, while we're left
in detox because of
your Love.
Author notes
This the first poem I've written in almost 8 monthes that's worth more than the paper its was written on.
please tell me if its any good.
I'm working on an ending
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I like it
I like the strength of your emotions in this write, I'm not sure whether you are reviling love itself or the legacy of a tragic or lost love but whichever it is, the emotions are strong and makes me like this a lot on different levels, thanx!!
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I really like this. You did very well. I like the different mix of emotions you blended together.
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interesting mix of blending love with sadness. the concept of love weakening hoplessness is great! i like that notion.
Perhaps if you explored the suffering, hoplessness and pain abit more, we would receive a deeper layer behind what u are already speaking to us.
your friend
Oneal -
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Thanks for commenting, I really havent finished it, It's supposed to ba a story of pain, and love.
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Its good but your stanzas are running together with no punch too it.
Example:
Suffering through our pain.
And crying our tears.
While we're left in detox.
Because of your love.
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I think its really good i like the flow it is full of powerful emotions. I think that every one who reads this can relate to it in one way or another. I do feel as though maybe its not finshed in someway. over all I think its a good poem.
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Emotionally enticing
It's very good but it seems unfinished..I love the rythem of the poem though. I could feel the emotion very clearly ^^ -
A good poem. I think a little work on the structure is in order though. As far as some of the stanzas could be shortened, or 2 lines could become one, that sort of thing. Some lines seem to transist un-necessarily.
As for the write itself, it is wonderful. Simplictic, but not so much that it would seem as though a child wrote it. It seems like it is a poem that anyone of any age could relate to. Great work.
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