your tombstone is my body;
aged flowers knot in my hair
and seasons become
disappearing friends
birds pin themselves to my shoulders
like meaning that decides to never show,
let their struggles linger in the sky
these stone hands palm emotions
of neighbor mourners, day long
juggling them
to see how fragile they really are
gravediggers try to tip me over
but roots that grew into your skull
were always stronger than an old oak’s
I am life to this cemetery,
they see it written on my moving lungs
and the power of my heart, still beating
they run, cry "Ghost"
and become stoned by doubts;
and now they lay
in newly dug graves
as barren as a desert
at night, I watch souls
stare into the reality of their own headstone
I wait for you, and you never show
I begin to wonder: "What if,
I died here; sprawled on this ground,
would there always be this piece of land between us?"
so, I bury myself with you
Author notes
"I will stand upon the place you take your final rest,
and I'll imagine lying next to you, diagnosed with
hyperphagia,
an uncanny ability to take your bones and stuff them
inside me, until I can feel them rattling and cutting every
pink, dazzed organ until they turn red and blue and gold
with my love."
from twelve steps til my bones turn gold by Adsaige
Picture cred: "Hadasha" by Smygol @ Deviantart.com
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Username: Ryno
First name: Ryan
Age: 16
General poetic style: Contemporary and/or metaphorical and/or abstract free verse.
Why you’re interested in this contest: I honestly just like having a new challenge each week - it keeps me on my feet and keeps me writing - and keeps me off my butt.
In a list
A contest entry
- twelve steps until by adsaige.
400 points, ended November 29, 2008, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by Melissa Gayle.
500 points, ended December 15, 2008, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - AP X Factor: Round One [Auditions] by sideways hourglass.
650 points, ended January 1, 31 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Shoot.
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Congratulations! You are one of the 16 finalist to make it to the mainstream of the competition. To confirm your interest in competing, please apply to the group ASAP. Just include an emoticon or whatever you want in the application.
http://allpoetry.com/group/info/The%20X%20Factor?stay=1 -
94
originality: 9
creativity/poetic devices: 10
mechanics: 10
balance of images/ideas: 9
personality/emotion: 10
line breaking/structure: 9
personal opinion: 9
title: 4
rules followed: 5
focus: 5
cohesion: 4
diction: 5
syntax: 5
[extra credit] X Factor: 0
TOTAL POSSIBLE: 100
I am very glad you entered this piece into the contest.
Though, I think the title would be a little less run-on if you took out the word 'taking'. Personal awkwardness. -
86
originality: 8/10
creativity/poetic devices: 8/10
mechanics: 10/10
balance of images/ideas: 9/10
personality/emotion: 9/10
line breaking/structure: 8/10
personal opinion: 8/10
title: 1/5
rules followed: 5/5
focus: 5/5
cohesion: 5/5
diction: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
[extra credit] X Factor: 0/5
TOTAL: 86/100
There are places in this that'd be more impactful upon the reader if your word usage was trimmed down slightly, for example..."the" - I feel it's over-usage in this - but it's a minor and can be worked on. I like the metaphor you used here, but I believe you have the ability to develop it more than you chose to here. Excellent start to this competition though and I look forward to reading you once again.
Laura
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91
originality: 9/10
creativity/poetic devices: 9/10
mechanics: 9/10
balance of images/ideas: 10/10
personality/emotion: 9/10
line breaking/structure: 9/10
personal opinion: 8/10
title: 4/5
rules followed: 5/5
focus: 5/5
cohesion: 5/5
diction: 5/5
syntax: 4/5
[extra credit] X Factor: 0/5
TOTAL: 91 -
This is very haunting - and i like how you started out with a bang; great opening liner.
The only mechanical error I could find was:
"stronger then an old oaks" -- "then" should be "than".
Great start for the contest.
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hehe, nice play on words Tyler, "haunting"
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lol what? i didnt intend for any play on words...idk is the joke on me?
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haha, Yup yap!
it was an unintentional play on words
your too pro for your own good
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lol man, this one has gone way over my head.
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Excellent
What a powerful write. And so deserving of the trophies. Congratulations.
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I absolutely LOVE your opening line, very original and just fantastic.
I am not sure how I feel about line two in the first stanza, while I understand the intent I am not sure that it is really needed.
Stanza four is strong, very strong for the middle of the piece - I adore that.
I understand putting the I am life separately but aesthically I think it would work better added into the stanza after it.
Last line is as fantastic as the first
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Line two .. as in "aged flowers not in hair" or the "spring summer winter autumn"?
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the spring summer winter autumn line. Sorry about that.
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Thanks, I agree
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On the contrary, I adored the ending.
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I think this peters out a bit toward the end and has a dissapointing conclusion.
However, the start is very strong- dark, abstract, really made me want to read on.
Your language is very dense and vivid, too. I found myself not paying attention to what this was about, but just enjoying the words and ideas.
This deserved gold- great work.
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Speachless here.... beautiful work....
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Very beautifully written. This has so much emotion and depth. Congrats on the well deserved gold.
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stunning.
this was so lovely. very deserving of the gold
"at night, I watch souls
stare into the reality of their own headstone
I wait for you, and you never show
I begin to wonder: "What if,
I died here; sprawled on this ground,
would there always be this piece of land between us?"
so, I bury myself with you"
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Man! You really have the most descriptive whirlwind here in this piece.
they see it written on my moving lungs
and the power of my heart, still beating
that was unbelievable. You totally took me apart with those lines.
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Great
I will blow it: I nominated this for the front page Lil Bro. I was profoundly moved by this write from you. I really find that picture you added to be very complicated complexing and yet your poem really brought it to life. with that beings aid powerful methaphorical useage and just incredible detail through out the poem really makes this a really great read. nice work and keep it up
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So, I'm kind of mad at myself for not reading you earlier.
This was seriously amazing. Every image, metaphor, and word is placed perfectly, and evokes emotion from me, which is honestly what I look for the most. And that opening line- so good it's sick Congrats on the gold
Jeanette*~
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First off, I love the title. A lot.
'I am life' ~ perfect.
'I bury myself with you' ~ perfection itself.
I'm bookmarking this one.
I'm jealous.
~Cassie
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Your so kind
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I know what I like.
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wow i was about to say. good work.... then i was like na i should stick to congrats!
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how do you do it, find the word that flow so well, it is like wind upon the eyes. you can't see it clear but the flow is still there keep it flowing and congrads on the contest
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yes, you are back. and your muse is back too.
(do I need to comment on the poem itself, or does that above comment say enough already? haha)
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