Between frozen earth and barren sky
we wandered, you and I.
And as we walked we spoke of things
I now find I can’t recall.
Not long ago, in the cold silver twilight,
I retraced our steps of night.
But it was dark and I was lost;
bewildered and benumbed.
In that sacred cradle of time we shared
in the dark I am not scared.
It’s the touch of unfeeling sun
that leaves me still transfixed.
So now the silent shadows slowly seep
through me, as grey clouds weep.
And I shiver in this lonely vale
as dawn begins to break.
Daybreak brings to view my heart;
shattered, broken, torn apart.
Without you in this world I’m lost
between chill dark and colder light.
Author notes
I need a better title. Any suggestions?
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
-My Immortal by Evanescence
A contest entry
- Imagery, Emotion, Imaginatinon by Commodore Rouge.
1050 points, ended November 30, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bored Enter!!!!! Need to Read Something!!!!! by fairytalelovestory.
700 points, ended January 8, 130 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - very tough contest :P (don't just sit and enjoy your holidays without poetry ) by abuyi.
1400 points, ended February 22, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Winter prewrites by Violinstrings.
625 points, ended January 17, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and EVERYTHING! by xVamPirexMusiCx.
400 points, ended October 27, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
8
I liked this. Well written. But I think it could've had more to it. It shows definite potential and it shows you have talent. Good piece, though. Thanks for entering (: -
this is a nice write, i seriously think that you can do better. this write has potential but needs polishing. i don't think this is your most classic work.. revise this write again and fix
as a suggestion for title 'transfix' sounds promising.
did you read my contest description?? i said i need good backgrounds.. yours plain.. neways back to your write
your first para is a good start but i feel you your last line can be re-phased..
'I now find I can’t recall' using two "I's" in a straight line is not good idea, it spoils the read for me.. you can rephrase it. many sentences can replace that one. it will give a better flow to a read and less emphasis to one line. you need a balance emphasis through out your write.
and this line "I retraced our steps of night." do you mean 'steps IN night' that makes more sense in the para.
well thanks for entering my contest and best of luck -
Maybe "Broken Chills"
just a thought that came to mind
I love evanescence!! this is a great write :-)
-
Daybreak brings to view my heart;
shattered, broken, torn apart.
Without you in this world I’m lost
between chill dark and colder light.
This is awesome, great job. i like the title, but if you don't than thats all up to you. good luck. -
i would go with severnaya zemlya but i'm working on ee2 and you should just ignore me altogether.
i like it a lot, especially the ice and sun imagery; oddly enough i'm writing about that right now.
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
