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You Are, My Love.



You are the star, that sheperds miss

the cool breeze that follows mists.

The echo of an angel's melody,

the lullably that softly soothes me.

Without a care, without a word

others opinions, are but absurd.

The battle against the sword,

you are a mark of a beautiful world.

You are the smile of a young child,

so radiant, mischievious and wild.

The open depths of the sea,

a burning flame inside of me.

Not even AIDs destructive state,

could part me from my love.

Although it's hard to face your fate,

my love, our times enough.

I love you now and I love you still,

my love, my dear, I always will.

When time does come to ebb away,

my love, I promise, will always stay.

Author notes

Inspired by all the stories I hear of people who lose a loved one to AIDs. I don't have any family or friends with AIDs, but I know people who do and how much it tears their life apart.
I believe it's terrible how people treat those with AIDs also. Maybe they made a mistake when younger (maybe not, maybe they didn't even know what they were getting themselves into or were raped) but even if they did make a mistake, they dont' deserve to slowly die of it. So why treat those with HIV/AIDs as if they are poison. Shaking hands wont cause disease, so why don't they be more tolerable?

Hope this one is okay for you sweetie, if not let me know.
Sorry about your husband - it's a fate nobody should have to deal with.

Midnight-x-Rose

In a list

A contest entry

~♥~

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • lordoftherings gold member
    January 24

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    I found this poem to be melancholy and flows like a song. What prevented me from enjoying it more in some places the flow felt like I was riding cascades on a river. Then I came back to comment and the poet had broke the poem into stanzas so now I have to re-read it again. LOL

    I would use contraction: change "you are" to "You're" and use less "the". Just in stanza 1 you have three sentences starting with "the". what about changing the first "the" to "a" and the third one to "my lullaby". In the second line I would use "mist" instead of "mists". Using a one sylable word cuts the sentence short and quickly leads the reader to the next line, by plurazing the word, it drags on: try saying the words to yourself. In your third stanza, third line, what about changing "the" to "this"--it's more precise.

    Thank you for contributing to this contest.

    Gregg

    PS: Misspelled words --"shepherd", "lullaby" and "mischievous"


  • LalalalaLoopstah gold member
    December 13, 2008

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    This is very good. I was caught right away by the very first line, You are the star that shepherds miss (I don't think you need the comma, though.) I think it flows very nicely, and it is a wonderful tribute to those with AIDS and those who love them!


  • Fallen-Phases
    December 13, 2008

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    a beautiful poem, made my heart ache for all those who have lost a loved one to disease, tres bien


  • Mystery79
    November 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow that was great 100% perfection


  • Disturbed Prodigy
    November 30, 2008

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    this kind of get got me teary, i could all keep from letting them out as i read, someone, has found out they have aids, and i think i will share this poem with him. keep it flowing


  • Dragonbabyx3
    November 29, 2008

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    This is beautiful, My dad is HIV positive, and it's heartbreaking. There is no reason to tuck tail and run when you know someone has HIV/AIDS, It's no different from cancer, or any other disease. Thankyou for writing this, and its beautiful


  • peregrin
    November 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You are the smile of a young child,
    so radiant, mischievious and wild.
    The open depths of the sea,
    a burning flame inside of me.

    I like that one. I guess it fits with my personal situation best, since he was born with HIV...
    Thank you for writing this.
    =)
    Gwen

1 - 7 of 7