I’m sitting here, looking at the stars
Asking me
What my future will be
You’re coming to see me
You were in my back
When I felt your hot breath in my neck
Then, suddenly, you let me here again
Alone under the shining stars
I’m asking me another time
Why does she leave ?
Why does she don’t talk ?
Why does she’s so beautiful ?
I think that I’ll never have those answers
Because you’re a mystery
But, you’re the one that I need
Baby, come here next to me
But, this time,
Don’t leave me alone
Do you know that I can die for you ?
Do you know that I can do everything for you ?
Please, stay next to me
A contest entry
- You Choose - No Rules by Dalaney.
1200 points, ended December 6, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think about it ?
Comments
-
I always try to highlight the good
points of a poem, and I think this
would have been a solid entry if
you had only checked your grammar -
the first stanza might have sounded
better if you had written, "myself"
instead of "me."
The third stanza simply didn't make
sense - "why does she don't talk?"
"why does she's so beautiful?"
I hope that you will continue to write,
but be more careful before you post
something. Ok?
Love, Lane
-
I like this a lot. I can tell you put a lot of thought into what you wrote, and your emotion shines through. It sounds like you were confused with mixed emotions when you wrote this, and it's something many can relate to. I was a bit confused myself with the forth stanza: The subject/verb agreement wasn't correct, and I don't know if you wanted that for effect or not. Just a thought on that, though.
But other than that, I thought you did a great job with this poem! I see as well that you're new to AP, so welcome! I trust you'll have a great time here. You're off to a great start with this piece.
-
It's really good !
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