she fingered the bottle of amber liquid anxiously, thinking that maybe the sensation would replace that when she first stepped out into the world in mid-november and realised the cold. but then she at least had more than just a mismatching navy jacket to reassure her that warmth could still exist among crying blue jays and wilted japanese maple leaves.
the smudged photographs on the wall gave her the same, dull expressions as before. after all, when you look at a good thing for too long, the perfection begins to chip at the edges and your conviction that it's exactly what you need fades.
a book sprawled on the bed beside her face until precisely 7:42 pm. the urge to constantly check her cellphone was still prodding at her, but she somehow knew no one had called. then her hair softened an invisible pillow and she sighed, only dimly aware of her own existence.
they mouthed nonsense words about Christmas music and dancing with lips closer than hearts, but she pretended she was asleep, stubbornly holding to the idea that obsession wouldn't be as pronounced if she'd only lie next to a tattered purpose's diary a few moments longer...
suddenly images of marriage proposals and books with 430 pages tossed beneath her eyelids. she knew she didn't want to wake with the headache of wrongs never committed, with only a garish plastic bag of pretzel pieces to satiate her unknown hunger.
it never worked. the holes in the poor little praying shapes seemed to long for much more...
invariably, she didn't feel filled.
A contest entry
- round one; [&my weakness is that i care too much♥] by innocence jaded.xx.
1200 points, ended January 18, 48 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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This is such a strong piece. It has so much imagery, and I love how you are so meticulously detailed. Amazing.
Thank you so much for the entry in my contest
--red -
I loved the strength in this poem. It was a rather good write. Thanks so much for entering my contest and good luck. Keep writing.
Peace and loove
-B -
9/10
Amazing poem; I loved everything about it. How you started it, how you wrapped everything together in the middle, and how you ended it with the same equality of power. Beautiful. Welcome to the finalists♥ -
My first reaction would be that I'm not so sure you should take the same liberties with punctuation (especially capitalization) in poetry when writing prose. The "sprawled book" is kind of an odd sentence... what happened after 7:42? It seems like there needs to be a tie-in or followup. By itself it just gets in the way. Is there a word missing at the question mark here: "...wouldn't be as pronounced if she'd only [?] next to a tattered purpose's..." ~~ OK, 'nuffies for now.
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I quess I can comment. Sorry I thought I needed points. Vell thought out. I like it alot. My Favorite part is lips closer that hearts. That really spoke to me
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I wish I could comment but I have no point
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Awesomeness
A very well penned Prose.
Very thought-provocking, with many great lines.
I loved 'dancing with lips closer than hearts' and a lot of the other lines in this.
WELL DONE!
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Hmmm I was able to follow the thought pattern. It would read easier for you capitalized the beginning pf your sentences. I wish you luck in the contest.
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This is truely unique.Good flow and easy to realte to.I like the wording in this for the title.You write extremly well and I like the subject.Great job and good luck in the contest.
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love the title and the line where you've used it.
this piece has many interesting bits, maybe you can make it tighter by editing a little bit.
I love prose so I'm adding you as a favorite (:
p.s. I love your name.
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I'd give this a yes .. but I think I'd rather see a poem than a prose peice. It wouldnt be difficult because you already prove here that you write good.
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woah! this was like BAM!
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"the perfection begins to chip at the edges and your conviction that it's exactly what you need fades"
I loved those lines. Beautiful imagery and so much truth too them too
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btw, good luck!
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"and dancing with lips closer than hearts,"
<3 Loved that line.
This was nice. It gives you an empty feeling, but still sort of hope in a weird way.
I'm not sure.
But I liked it. (:
You had some really nice lines here. <3
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