We use to be called darling,
her favorite couple of heels.
Now she never turns our way
unless it rains.
Does she ever think of us?
We can't tell you anymore,
our snarled tongues are silent
not much remains.
Remembering mountain rambles;
constellation's Milkiest Ways,
now whenever we speak
she just complains.
How could we have no feelings
we gave our lonesome soles?
It might be...our love thinks
we have no brains.
My twin and I abandoned,
disregarded on the floor.
She's running round in new shoes,
we have tearstains.
Author notes
Bored with serious, how about some laughs? by squirrelgirl
Photo credit: unknown
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
3500 points, ended December 1, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bored with serious, how about some laughs? by squirrelgirl.
900 points, ended June 30, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
whatever you feel is right
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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I like it. It's very interesting and it made me smile. Good luck in my contest.
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Wonderful play on words here. This is amazing. Bravo!
Mariana
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Thank you Mariana, you are very kind.
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Hi, Skybow
This is cute, and I love the play on words in the title... Seeing as it's about shoes, though, perhaps 'Twin Soles' would be more appropriate?
My scores will be revealed at judging
Laura
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Thank you, I did consider using the word soles both in the title and in the 4th verse. I decided not to, so I could keep that element of surprise , not revealing that I was writing as a shoe until the last verse.
Thank you fro your comment and input.
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Hello and Welcome to POM!
Hello,
I also when reading didn't think of shoes.
Which gave me a giggle.
I have a pair of boots that no one dare take from me. they have made many a journey with my feet.
I found this to be lighthearted and very understood with the element of surprise!
You flow was well done.
All in all a great poem!
my scores will be up at finale judging
Best regards,
~Lisa~
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This is my first POM contest and I don't know the protocol as to if I am supposed to reply to the judges comments. Please tell me if I am not, until then I will.
Thank you very much for your kindness. I'm glad my poem amused you as it was meant to do. This makes me happy.
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Oooh, gosh, a phenomenal write. This will probably sound a little silly, but until I got to the last verse, I did not think it was about shoes! Either way, I think this can be read in a number of ways, as you have chosen several expressions which are double entendres, including, of course, the title.
Title: 9.7 - A clever use of punning.
Flow: 9.1 - This was good, but it could have been better. At times the form you used appeared to stick a little.
Depth: 9.2 – You’ve given this a depth all of your own by using the double entendres that you have. Very, very impressive.
Theme: 9.7 – I’ve never read anything quite like this before.
Feelings: 9.9 – Wonderful, really wonderful. I felt for those twins, felt their pain and their love for the woman who discarded them. You made me identify strongly with a pair of shoes – that takes skill.
Grammar: 9.9 – Practically perfect in every way.
Presentation: 9.9 – The little stanzas you used were lovely, very appealing, and gave the whole poem a wistful, childish air. Wonderful.
Uncommonness: 9.9 – I’ve read personification of inanimate objects before, but never of shoes, and this is of an incredibly rare calibre. Excellent.
Sit and ponder effect: 9.6 – This poem gripped me from the beginning and held me closely even after it had finished.
Ability to follow rules: 10
UFM’s score: 96.
You should be very proud of this piece.
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I'm very grateful for your appreciation and the breakdown of your score. Arkbear 's is the first time I've experienced this and I find it exciting and informative.
You seem to have experienced just what I was trying to convey in this poem. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story and the surprise at the end.
Again, thank you for your comments.
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Hullo and welcome to the POM,
i've never seen this theme before so kudos for that! I thought this was nice enough with decent words, images and emotion, not bad at all!
thanks for entering and good luck,
Floorboards. -
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Thank you very much for you encouraging words.
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I missed commenting on this as it came in after I'd been through the others.....sorry about that....
I enjoyed this - I thought it was really cute, a theme I hadn't seen before, and I enjoyed the way you penned this. I liked the title, too.
all in all - very nice entry.
best wishes in the contest.
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Thank you for your best wishes and your kind comment.
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Hello
A most Creative Theme you have penned here
....however, this Theme has been done a couple of times before.....but you do not know this, as I can see you are new here to the PO' Series.......over-all, Creative and and a tale of the sole/s I do not find a lot of Power or Impact in your thoughts, but truly a write to ponder ~
I hope to see you coming back to enter again & again...I can see the talent your quill has.....but I might suggest using a few strong Mets in your Tone to really pull me in and make me want to read this again and again ~
Choosing the correct Theme is the hardest Challenge in the PO' Contests....I can see your work gaining favor from my gavel as you bring us more and more work such as this ~
Lasting Impression is crucial in the PO' Contests.......I will surely remember your write as I look back on your Title ~
Not much to critique here.....only minor adjustmentsto Power to blow the other writes out of the contest next time.....you are up against a few really great writes.....I wish you the best of luck & may God bless you always,
Bear ~
Title 9.1....I liked it, but I would not click on this Title unless I wanted to read about this Genre -
Flow 9.85....not bad..great use of punc.'s..one of the better flowing entries -
Depth 7.8..gosh, I sure wanted to hear more -
Theme 7.45...Nicely chosen..but common to the PO' Contests -
Feelings 9.15....I was engaged in your personification and subject ....but wanted more....you had such a wonderful Tone going, but it just didn't fill me up....I am anxious to see what your other Judges asy about this -
Grammar 9.35...I enjoyed your grammatical choices, yet, simple -
Presentation 9.15....not a fan of all quatrains....as your Tone becomes more.....huuuummmmmmm....instead of....ooooOOOOOOoooooOOOooo...-
Uncommonness 7.6...common, but unique approach! -
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.75...I did ponder...but looking for a tad more Power -
Ability to follow Rules 10 -
Bears Score: 87.2
Not bad!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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mmm, is this the new you? maybe or in fact the memories you've had before. The flow is standard and not off putting and the story itself is metaphorical. nie work indeed.
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Thank you, no this is a sad shoe! Actually all my poems have something of me in them.
Thanks for your kind comment
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I thought that this was really cute also good job with this in the contest best wishes always be well
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Thank you so much, you bless me.
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Aloha and Welcome to POM!!!
This is really cute…lol…
I would have changed a couple of words
here and there…
Slim arch, caresses new shoes
so we feel pains.
maybe as we feel pain…
This makes it sound deliberate…
which I don’t think you wanted?
just my take…
Also used to be not use to...
AMENDMENT: line was changed before I made my comments...adjusted score accordingly
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on…my scores will appear in
final notes…
REMEMBER: NO editing once a judge has commented.
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I'll be good, thanks for your input and your comment.
Aloha Nui Loa
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this honestly made me sad for the shoes....
lol, very well written! -
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Then you have a good soul for sure. Thanks for liking my poem and for your comment.
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