Twas the night before Christmas
nobody really home
The darkness thick in the air
sitting all alone
The night seemed so long
the clock moving no more
The snow softly fell outside
a knock came from the door
Out on the porch
there rose such a sight
Two drunken idiots
embroiled in a fight
So I sprang to action,
baseball bat in hand
They scurried away,
as my swing did land
When up on my rooftop,
I saw an old criminal
I knew in a moment,
this was no Christmas miracle
He fell down my chimney,
like a drugged up dumb shit
I rushed back inside,
with my bat I did hit
He grabbed what he could,
as he ran out the door
I cursed as he sprinted,
get back here you whore
I hopped in my car,
chased him down the street
I caught up to him quickly,
then him I began to beat
I rushed back home,
stuff back where it belonged
To bad I had left,
and was gone so long
In my absence santa's elves
mysteriously showed up
Looking for the drunken saint,
who just got fucked up
I directed him to where he was,
they loaded him back on his sleigh
Inside they left me a great gift,
a good ole fashioned Christmas lay
I heard as he slurred,
and rode out of sight
She's a thousand dollars an hour,
and we paid for the whole night
A contest entry
- Christmas for those on Santa's naughty list by Master Ktulu.
550 points, ended December 14, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Nice take on a classic tale. Some parts were funny and some just hilarious. Loved the ending though, nice twist.
**Master Ktulu** -
it's alright
it's just a little too much kiddy humor i liked it cause i have a sense of humor like no other laughter aided with chronic it's a contest though and i suck at contests anyways so fck it there only words from the product of boredom take it easy i will have some it you wanna give me some words nothing yet but i am working on them thanks later on
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very good
you have just labeled yourself a misogynist on the internet
whatever that means
you are a smart cookie
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Awesome!!!
Amazing take on the old classic!!! 
Wishing you the best of luck in the contest, you have a winner!!! Peace, Cyn 
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Most amusing... a belly laugh or two even snuck in
A great parody and a most enjoyable read.
Well done.
Ken
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Oh!! I am shock!! Mortified even!!!! Those thieving little elves got into your place and didn't steal a thing?? Most strange!!
You have taken a Christmas Classic and turned it into a wonderful and fun filled poem.
Well written and spectacularly funny.
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A great take on the christmas story. A completely different take on santa. i didnt excpect it. Awesome!
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Nice! You caught the crook and got a good time too plus it was paid for. That is totally awesome. Thank youfor sharing your poem.
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To be honest I thought this was going to be a cheap imitation of the original.
However!
You did a wonderful job pulling it together and making it your own.
I'm quite impressed.
This is very amusing, fitting for the contest you have entered.
Good luck.
Thanks for sharing. -
Very different take on a classic.
In line #47 should it say "She's a thousand dollars an hour"?
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Very funny take on the Christmas story we all know and love! Have to say I would beat the jolly off of good old Santa if he left my husband a gift like this! LOL!!!
Great rhyme and flow was smoothly done!
Good luck in the contest
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amazing
that was one of the best poems i have ever read! keep it up
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clever take on my most favourite christmas story, by clement clarke moor, though not one very jolly
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Nice Christmas story
This Is very clever, thankyou for the smiles
WELL DONE !
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lol and they wonder why the old fat guy keeps saying Ho Ho Ho
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Interesting
This is a very interesting piece, funny though.
It rythmed wonderfully and gave me a good laugh.
I do have one piece of advice though. Change the color of the font or the background, i had to highlight the poem while i read it to stop mysef getting a headache from the contrast.
Blessed Be
xoxoxoxo -
Really well done. Modern Christmas story. I like the Jesus referance. Plays in well to the CHristmas theme. This terrible urban story tied in with a would be joyous night is riviting. Thanks!
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that's some kinda Christmas...actually quite the twist on the tale. thousand dollars a hour that's quite the elf.
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s he, teh he, got a grand scheme o shape shifting theme to this one, good flow and a demon attitude to boot, nice wond sinclair,
w fresh steel caped boots
-jas
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Haha. That was very funny!
Good Write.
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