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color me silent

I know
where all the exits are.

winter comes too soon,
trapping air inside
my lungs until
it turns stagnant
with tension and

rots over.

I don't know
what kind of creature
tiptoed in and
pulled the stitches
from my eyes - -

yellow as nicotine
& hanging from
my cheekbones
like stillborn tears









I will hide up here
until tomorrow

 








 

Author notes

Prompt: cautious

... I think I actually like this.


- we have the right to challenge you, and make you think and stretch your boundaries as a writer and amuse ourselves in the process.


I, color me silent, agree that I have read these terms of use and will hereby abide by the law.

In a list

A contest entry

kind but constructive criticism please.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • something-or-other
    December 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i think i definatly love it. looovee it

    yellow as nicotine
    & hanging from
    my cheekbones
    like stillborn tears

    adore that part


  • gazoz12345
    December 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i luv it...beautiful


  • CaliOkie silver member
    December 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You do go from topic to topic, but I don't think that is choppy, but more a refection of internal thought processes -- sort of a free association of thought. That is the way thinking goes -- it's not until we write or speak that we try to organize, and thereby dilute, the quality of our thoughts.

    I like.

    Garrison


    • stasis
      December 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. And yeah, that's kind of what I was trying to do with this. It's kind of a stream-of-conscious thing about my mom's boyfriend [who I have a lot of issues with] being here, and how I basically hide from him. Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it.

      ♣ Tegan


  • And Hyetal
    November 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This seems sort of choppy, but I love all your imagery. I also love how you spaced out your last few lines.

    You really like writing about cigarettes, don't you?

    ~Cassie


  • Never Fall in Love
    November 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    yes.

    You have some eally good images - and yes they need to be better commented. However, the only thing I wanted strongly to change was the ending. It needs more impact - like a slap on the face.

    you're in: http://allpoetry.com/group/show/UNPLANNED%20as%20unexpected%20as%20you

    congrats x.


  • Ryno
    November 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Yes...

    BUT; you need to work on something, I strongly feel. You need to better connect your images. The visuals were fantastic here, and the were really powerful, but I don't think they came together to make an evident, affective theme.

    That said, I think you this write shows, however, your power with imagery, linebreaking and flow.

    Thanks for the entry. Please await the other judges comment.


  • innocence jaded.xx
    November 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    emotion: cautious - careful to avoid potential problem or danger. ♥

1 - 8 of 8