Softly I feel the pain,
stinging deep into my soul.
Rising now to reign,
never again will I be whole.
Darkness that surrounds,
bring me now to my knees.
Hammered now with awful sounds,
hear my lonesome pleas.
Drowning in these thought of loss
repressing screams of panic.
Burning off the dross
knowing that I’m manic.
Wondering at the sacrifice
will it be my heart
Where did I leave my voice,
tearing me apart.
Hold me close,
against your heart.
The tears will flow,
as life departs.
Author notes
POM
desperation
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
3500 points, ended December 1, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Hello and Welcome to POM!
Hello hun,
First i must say i enjoyed your poem very much.
The theme is somewhat common but i felt your words clearly.
Your flow was good i only found at the most 2 minor detials that was trivial.
All together great work!
My scores will be up at finale judging
Best regards,
~lisa~
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Hullo and welcome to the POM,
I thought this to be really nice and sincere, could feel the emotion too, but i'm afraid the meter was all over the place to be honest, a bit of tightening up and this could really good I think,
thanks for entering and good luck,
Floorboards. -
Hi Valerie
Rhyme is good.....Flow is only a tad off, as your meter is hindered slightly by your choice of words in some areas ~
*knowing that I'm manic*.....flow is hindered only slightly there -
*where did I leave my lonesome voice*?.....I believe, you need an adjective before *voice* to help your Flow -
When a Poet enters Rhyme here......I believe it has to be spot-on and cleverly disguised as Poetic, free verse, to not have any slip-ups on Flow......this is only my opinion
I find your Theme a weee bit common......but, not bad at all, as I really enjoyed your Tone, and that can make anything common come to life once again
Over-all, a very nice write......but don't forget to break out that Creativity quill for the POY.....all of you are going to be penning against each others most powerful talents.....good luck & God bless you Sister Val.....Brother Bear ~
Title 8.5....I would not click on this Title unless I wanted to read about this Genre -
Flow 9.65....not bad.....but, IMHO, rhyming Poetry needs to have perfect Flow & meter......for my taste
-Depth 7.8..gosh, I sure wanted to hear more -
Theme 7.85...Nicely chosen..but not as Creative as I look for -
Feelings 9.15....I was engaged in your personification and subject ....but wanted more....you had such a wonderful Tone going, but it just didn't fill me up -
Grammar 9.5...simple, but I enjoyed your grammatical choices -
Presentation 9.45...not a fan of all quatrains.....as your Tone becomes....huuuuummmmmmmm....instead of....oooOOOOOoooOOOOOoooooOOOoooo....see the difference it can make? -
Uncommonness 8.75...a tad common with unique approach -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.05...I did ponder....but looking for more Creativity -
Ability to follow Rules 10 -
Bears Score: 89.7
Not bad.....but your Creativity quill is going to make your scores begin to soar!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Aloha and Welcome to POM!!!
Lovely entry!! The poem itself
is well done…the rhyme is simple,
yet works well…it flows nicely.
You have great emotions and
feeling that come through.
This is not an uncommon theme
but all in all very nicely penned…
my scores will be in final notes
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on.
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has
commented.
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I think that this is a good piece nicely written though seen this theme before good luck in the contest best wishes always
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You need to put your theme in the author's notes.
This isn't an uncommon theme, but I think you've done well with the emotion and depth in this.
Line one - do you mean the word 'felt"?
best wishes in the contest.
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Thanks
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