i tried to sit on the bus and clear my mind of him and soley focus on you, but i couldn't. because thoughts of him were flashing boldy through my mind. i had the feeling that you would always hurt me, despite your attempts of promising you never would. i couldn't help but think that i was the one who would hurt you more than imaginable.
...
you told me that i had the smile of an angel, but there was a never-ending funeral marching around my heart and that you were destined to stop it. "why keep it together, when thousands pay to watch me crumble?" i asked. you said it was because you didn't have enough glue to repair two people. from then on, i knew you were too much for me.
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that night i dreamt that you were running, constantly running, and i couldn't grab you and hold you tight and tell you that you can finally stop running from your broken-heartedness. but when you came to a stop, tears flooded your eyes like waterfalls and you slipped between my fingers like dirt.
...
as we layed a tangled mess on my couch, we spilled our secrets like confetti, and cried over flowed rivers for hours. and you kissed me... you sealed us together with the parts of your lips and couldn't help but smile in between each one. i lost count after you stopped, and stroked my hair and whispered softly, "...for every day we've been together" and that was the day you became my kryptonite.
....
but then your eyes showed thunderstorms, and the sun in my own started to set. and your body grew cold and i could no longer feel the air around us. cloud 9 blew from underneath and knocked us both out of the sky... and you never called me beautiful again.
....
i'm apparently the poison that runs through your veins, and you were the arsenic that i choked on. i wrapped myself tightly within your grasp and held my breath till my face turned blue and my eyes glazed over silver. and in that moment you gasped ...you...are...beautiful. my eyes exploded in tears... and we said in perfect unison
"we could have saved each other"
Author notes
each of the lil stanza things explain pieces of my relationship/dating life. and i've been on some bumpy rides. but out of it...the 4th stanza describes my relationship now..and its happy...and i enjoy it...
but then ending is a heartbroken mess i suppose, as many of my relationships did... a giant mess...
a [lol] "bamboozled" mess
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dani-elle
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We have the right to screw with your brain throughout this contest as we want to for personal amausement and enjoyment
I dani-elleagree that I have read these terms of use and will hereby abide by the law.
A contest entry
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850 points, ended December 27, 2008, 18 entries
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400 points, ended December 11, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - UNPLANNED: as unexpected as you [preliminary round] by Never Fall in Love.
400 points, ended December 22, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your most personal & meaningful poem from ( 2008 ) by justgot2loveme.
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Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by Melissa Gayle.
1000 points, ended December 15, 2008, 24 entries
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Hey this is good. I like it. I like the way you show the progression of your relationship. Tells a tale indeed. Great write. Shows a lot of emotion. Imagery. And is interesting and flows well. Good job. Thanks for sharing this and thanks for entering it into my contest.
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Excellent poem. You deserve more applause. This is very true and descriptive of being in love.
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u have lived every stage of love so beautifully...!!!
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thanks bunches, i tried my hardest to do so, and apparently i did .
so thankies
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i loved this. this is really a beautiful poem, the emotions are so real. i could really relate to like everything you wrote about. the imagery is beautiful by the way, but incredibly sad. i love the ending.
thanks for entering and goodluck
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^_^ thanks bunches
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I really love this. It's an amazing prose piece and the emotions are so raw and tangible. I feel like I can relate so much to a lot of this.
There were a couple small typos. In the second line "we're" should be "were." In the first line of the fifth stanza "but then you're eyes", "you're" should be "your".
In the second line of the fifth stanza where you wrote "i could n longer", I think the "n" should be "no".
I think that's it.
The imagery in this piece is so powerful. I love the descriptions that you use.
"tears flooded your eyes like waterfalls and you slipped between my fingers like dirt"
The images are just so vivid and real.
I adore this piece. It's wonderful and the ending is breathtaking.
x
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thanks so much! ..sadly to say this is like a prediction of my relationship
the 4th stanza was the climax of my relationship...and then from then on was actually a plotted downfall.
i'm glad you enjoyed it...lol i think this is something amazing ^_^ -
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no problem I really love well-written prose
my relationships seem to usually turn that way too =/ -
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its not the best feeling but i know that i have a few friends who prefer to see me smile than frown...so the keep me from cracking when stuff like this happens i suppose
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Yes.
excelllent imagery all around. Only thing is that I felt it needs to be tightened more -right now it's too wordy.
Although this is a prose piece, keep in mind that most of the rounds will require you to write poems. As ryan said, "out of your comfort zone".
You're in, congrats x.
http://allpoetry.com/group/show/UNPLANNED%20as%20unexpected%20as%20you
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Yes
I think that the imagery and the emotion in here showed a lot of talent and potential at the same time.
But after skimming through your poetry I am going to warn you that you are going to be way out of your comfort zone and out of your element for a lot of this contest - you are going to be asked to stray away from prose and love a lot in this contest; just so you know.
Please wait for Chandni. -
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i think i can move out of my comfort zone for a while.
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I think we all been on so many bumpy roads in our life. I just hope that most of us , learn from them.
Thanks for sharing and good luck
Justgot2loveme
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This poem has impact, in the beginning it is so soft yet full of influential thoughts, a narrative, and then as you begin to really feel the poem it just grabs u and won't let go. Truly, I feel this poem is melancholy, and while others might call it cliche' I would call it fantastic, but it's definately not cliche' in my mind. Just full of light airy emotions. Thanks for entering, and I enjoyed this a lot.
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Sorry, forgot the ears.
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The first stanza opens up the story well.
Thanks for entering
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