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Optical Illusions


Visions intoxicate
blurred with failure
betrayal and fury

sand storms of thought explode
spilling secrets from the dry desert still
into the blaze of verbal flame

moments, long ago captured
seethe their way up, towards fear
spoken in loud eyes

emotions evaporate
arid and vengeful
shuddering as reprisal is cast

reality uncloaked,

a dark oasis emerges
rising, from barren depths
mirage, in blue pools

steadily, flow succumbs
as regret dances
through a soul now torn.

 

 

Author notes

POM
Theme; how in temper secrets just seem to work their way out unwillingly, shattering the illusions others may have of things.
I've tried something a little different again (no rhyme!), seem to be doing a lot of different at the minute. I couldn't set it out the way I wanted to due to line limit...so its a little squished up..lol.

A contest entry

I can see who calls cos I'm nosy, so be nice and comment.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 29 of 29

  • Callisto Athena gold member
    February 6

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, this is wonderful! How toxic we let ourselves become when we let anger and jealousy take over, then comes the bitter regrets and the tears.. You did a marvelous job of conveying this.. Gold so well deserved!


  • ApollosMuse
    January 18
    Edit | Reply
    i think this is my favorite of ours...brilliant!!


  • Reptile Lady gold member
    December 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Awesome
    Loved this line alone
    into the blaze of verbal flame
    all brilliant sis
    Well done on the gold
    Love Julie


  • Kevin Moderators member
    December 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    fun piece. nice italics

    'desert still' - did you mean an alcohol still? or ?

    powerful and beautiful words, but I had a hard time seeing the images... who is speaking/seeing/torn? It's an excellent poem that lacks a connection to the visible physical world...

    Not sure how you could add it though, hee-hee

    Thanks!


    • LadyDementia gold member
      December 2, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hey, thank for the comment Not sure how to explain it really, its more a metaphoric write, explaining emotions rather than he/she. How when someone gets angry they tell secrets they wouldn't normally reveal, which can shatter the other persons illusion of how their life is, if you get me Italics are just to add emphasis to those words
      Thank you for your gift of membership

  • Arkbear gold member
    December 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    You need some more of these little yellow guys

     

    Bear ~


    • LadyDementia gold member
      December 2, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you so much :)

      I have to say I was surprised to win, I was so nervous with a non rhyming piece. But think you may be seeing more of them
  • aaaaaaaa
    December 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Congrats on the gold


  • aboomer silver member
    December 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    congratulations!!

  • Floorboards
    December 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations!

  • poppa
    December 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Absolutely wonderful write , thoroughly deserved the gold and loving your free verse, your imagery is great.


  • Skybow silver member
    December 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations on the well deserved Gold. This is a powerful work!


  • Kathryn Bowden
    December 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Congrats on a well deserved shiny gold thing! This is a really great read, so expressive and intense! I loved it! I knew, once I read this I didn't stand a chance! lol Great job!
    Kathryn


  • BeautifulFlame gold member
    December 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hello and Welcome to POM!

    Hello and welcome back,
    I agree this made me sit up and think, i read it 3 times understanding the meaning more each time!
    You theme is sort of common but place nicely on the plate.
    Your flow worked very well, word use great!
    yes i am pondering...
    well done...
    My scores will be up at finale judging.


    Best regards,
    ~Lisa~


  • Floorboards
    December 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hullo and welcome to the POM,

    I thought this was really good, felt like it should be read in a whisper, loved the images too,
    very well done and good luck in the contest,

    Floorboards.

  • Arkbear gold member
    November 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Hello Pink

     

    You have brought me something to really ponder here......I am amazed at how well your *Show & Tell* are balanced, and even with your superb Mets, you have managed to bring me into your write....twirl me around and sit me down for your lesson in *manners*

     

    I have always enjoyed your work, and this write goes into *one-of-your-best* categories for me ~

     

    So many L's reach out and make me stop.....so many thoughts made me stop and go...*wow*.........and then, want to read the L again.....nice job......I have nothing really to critique here......however, as Starz has mentioned.....Sloooooow me down with some commas.....don't rush me through such lovely writing

     

    Good luck & God bless you!

     

     

    Bear ~

     

    Title   8.85.....this title does not do this write justice....and it is very cliche', IMHO......this needed a powerful Metaphoric Title toppping this masterpiece -

    Flow  9.75....not bad.....sloooow me down with some editing (commas) after contest closes -

    Depth   9.95..superb -

    Theme 9.45...Nicely chosen.....a weee bit common, but....your Creativity came from your Poetic Voice -

    Feelings   9.75....I was engaged in your personification and subject ....but wanted more-

    Grammar   9.85...I enjoyed your grammatical choices ....nicely penned -

    Presentation 9.95...breaking up your S*'s in a 20 L allotment is nice.-

    Uncommonness  9.35.....common....however...unique approach! -

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.95...I did ponder ((a lot)), even though this Theme has been done a few times I believe-

    Ability to follow Rules  10 -

    Bears Score: 96.85

    Nice!

    No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~


  • islekine silver member
    November 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Aloha and Welcome to POM!!

    This is the third time I have commented...and it's gone...I enjoyed this very much...the italics distracted...my scores will be in final notes...best wishes in the contest!Write on


  • Fritz O skennick silver member
    November 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    So ya got a freeverse muse staying huh?

    Well got say, loving the change...
    I mean I love your rhyme stuff, but its great to see how adaptable & versatile your styles are & you do them so well...
    Yet another impressive write that was captivating throughout...
    Well done!!!


  • Twins 4 me
    November 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice piece. It has depth and it flows nicely. It is so true, we do blurt things out of haste when we are angry. good luck in the contest.

  • aboomer silver member
    November 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Your wording and images are always good - no matter if they are in rhyme or not!
    I like the depth in this also.
    Nicely done!!! And it didn't feel 'squished'...lol

    best wishes in the contest.


  • Disturbed Prodigy
    November 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    all i can say is wow, cause i am still looking for my dropped jaw, this was alive with each word, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    November 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this I do think that could use some more punctuation other then that it looks good to me good luck in the contest be well.

  • colie50
    November 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing! It really shows the regret you feel after you've said something awful in the spur of the moment. "loud eyes" great expression! All around brilliance!


  • notorious
    November 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is almost dead of punctuation!

    "into the blaze of verbal flame"
    What about "within blaze of verbal flame"?
    I feel like that's less wordy and more ethereal...otherwise, "verbal flame"...shit yes, I have that coming out of my mouth everyday.

    "loud eyes"
    YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES good phrase.

    ;
    Jessica


  • kiwigirljacks
    November 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ahh yes, I think we've all done this before!! How when frustration or anger builds up, things come out that were best left unsaid... for the damage they can cause!

    Love this hunny... your freeverse is fab!!

    Found the use of the word "dance" there really cool as it made me think of how regret can kind of do that taunting dance through our souls!!

    Awesome write!!

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