The two sides of my bed
Are split by an ocean,
That can only get wider
What a sickening notion.
Though I’m desperately searching
For something to say,
Your ship has set sail
You’re pulling away.
Now each time I think of you
I hit a glass wall
And please pay attention
For this applies to you all:
And like a rock star caught helping
In a bomb’s aftermath,
The memory of you
Is a fake photograph.
I remember first venturing
Your uncharted beach,
When everything seemed possible
Even love was in reach.
What happened to that?
Your heart’s pumping plastic,
But I don’t love mannequins
So it can’t be that drastic.
Perhaps it’s your watch?
Or the cut of your hair?
The boy that I loved,
Is no longer there.
Now each time I think of you
I hit a glass wall
And please pay attention
For this applies to you all:
Like a studio audience
Who are told when to laugh,
The memory of you
Is a fake photograph.
I sent ships to find you
My American shore,
But those westerly winds
Don’t blow anymore.
They rest at the bottom
And all that’s left are the dregs,
The only hole that you filled
Was between my spread legs.
You’d bite and you’d scratch
To leave your own mark,
You did, though you’ll never know
I’m afraid of the dark.
Author notes
Okay, this is firstly the first thing i have written in a while and secondly, for me a highly emotional piece. well no, the subject matter is emotional, the poem is decidedly not. It's about the relatively recent split between myself and my boyfriend of nine months who i lost my virginity to and fell in love with *laughs* though it should technically be the other way round. Now we don't talk and i feel privileged if he even looks my way. this was very hard for me to write, purely because there really aren't that many words that accurately depict what i feel, nor do i even feel that this is the final draft. you should see my originals, i have pages.
:Edit: I've changed a few things now so that hopefully it flows better and i've also revised a few lines because I was unhappy with them.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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"Little girl with blue eyes,
There's a hole in your heart,
And one between your legs...
You've never had to wonder
Which one he's going to fill
In spite of what he said..."
from Pulp's "Little Girl with Blue Eyes."
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Thanks *laughs* i've never heard that song but as Hector said in the History Boys: The best moments in reading are when you
come across something – a thought, a feeling,
a way of looking at things – which you had
thought special and particular to you. Now you
have it, set down by someone else, a person
you have never met, someone who is long
dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and
taken yours.
xxx
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I like the opening verse – the only thing I would change would be these two lines.
‘I’m desperately trying
To find something to say’
Yes, you are. These lines seem a little surplus, and if you are going to keep them in there, you need to make the top line fit better with the rhythm of the poem. It breaks the verse up significantly, and I think you would be wise to revise that part.
‘Still each breath’s a heartbeat ,
Beating me down.
I want to swim through that ocean
But I know that I’ll drown.’
Again, you’re being indulgent with the metre here, and although it is possible to make it fit, it doesn’t read naturally and you start to lose your grip on the reader here. However…
‘And like a celebrity caught helping
In a bomb’s aftermath,
The memory of you
Is a fake photograph,’
…makes up for that. What a fantastic concept and brilliantly put across. The first line is a tiny bit shaky, you might want to revise the number of syllables in it. Perhaps a synonym for ‘celebrity,’ would work?
‘So now I’m sitting here thinking
Considering drinking,
Though I don’t feel like dying
I think that I’m crying.’
I hate this bit. Partly because you suddenly change the rhyme scheme, and partly because it just does not match up with the rest of the poem. It’s a juvenile and easy verse; please replace it with something befitting your talent.
‘What happened to you?
Your heart’s pumping plastic,
But I don’t love shop mannequins
So the change can’t be that drastic.’
Yes, yes, yes! Again, you save yourself (and your poem) with a great concept. There are too many syllables in the last two lines (consider taking out ‘that,’ in the fourth line, and maybe change mannequin to ‘doll?’
‘Or maybe the boy that I loved,
Is no longer there?’
Too many syllables in this part, again. That’s one of the main problems you have when writing poetry; try reading it aloud to yourself and you’ll see it doesn’t work very well.
‘And like an obedient audience
That’s told when to laugh,
The memory of you
Is a fake photograph.’
This is good, again. Usually I’d advise against repeating something as excellent as the first part, but you pulled it out of the bag. I’d maybe change ‘obedient,’ to ‘studio,’ as the former is a four-syllable word, unless you cheat!
‘And all that’s left are the dregs.’
Maybe try taking ‘and,’ out?
‘The only hole that you filled
Was between my spread legs.’
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.
‘You bit and you scratched me
To try to leave your own mark,
And you did, though you’ll never know
I’m now afraid of the dark.’
This is a really good ending; again, too many syllables in some of the lines, but that can be easily rectified. On the whole, this is a great poem; with some modifying I think it will be a killer. Just work on the metre!
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Fantastic, thankyou so much. I'm glad you loved my two favourite bits (the fake photograph idea and the hole between my legs bit).
i've read this over and over, out loud and in my head and i can't seem to get the meter to fit.
as for the 'celebrity caught helping/in a bomb's aftermath' that originally was broken up 'like a celebrity caught/helping in a bomb's aftermath' but i can't get it to fit either way.
most of the things you didn't like were the lines i wanted to take out but needed to keep to pay service to the structure, and the 'so I'm sitting here thinking etc' was because the poem was initially meant to be a song and it went with the tune.
i thought of studio in fact, but i wanted to get across the idea of zombies, you know, seeing as this is about Kit *laughs* i may change it.
too many syllables in which of the lines, i am very bad at seeing these things, in case you hadn't guessed *laughs*
thank you again for your time and opinion, and back to the drawing board.
xxx
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