Heaven was kept in a mayonnaise jar
next to Mary's special tea
"brewed" on Sunday mornings
after Jack escaped from bottled prison;
sanity was kept on a shoestring
"tripping" feet of salvation
that led Johnny on weekend
excursions to alternate universe
where yesterday became a piece of Jupiter-
Spoon fed tears crept down frigid face
as rehearsed scenarios played
through head like tired reruns
stuck in Ground Hog Day,
for another failed attempt at life
Author notes
Twins 4 me...Amaranthine Lover
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
3500 points, ended December 1, 2008, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by Melissa Gayle.
800 points, ended December 10, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - round one; enter your best. by broken-colours.
600 points, ended December 12, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best All-Around Prewrites From 2008 by amaranthine lover.
1400 points, ended January 9, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Beautiful! Thanks for the entry!
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I like this; it is very imaginative.
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88%
"Spoon fed tears crept down frigid face
as rehearsed scenarios played
through head like tired reruns
stuck in Ground Hog Day,
for another failed attempt at life"
Marvelous. This was interesting, had a story behind it, and ridiculously clever wording. Congrats on the HM, by the way.
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I am not sure about the final line in stanza one, I almost think it would be better without it.
Love the piece of Jupiter, really, really like that image. And the idea of 'spoon fed tears'.
The idea is crisp, the Ground Hogs day reminding me of the movie where the single day is repeated over and over again.
I am sorry about your brother. -
Hello and Welcome to POM!
Hello,
First of all prayers will be said for you BIL.
This was personal and i could feel a desperation of emotion in this outstanding poem.
For me i was mixed on my feeling of this is written very poetic but because of the names it almost crossed to prose. I will not let that affect my scores.
Your theme was common but you pulled it off well.
You have a beautiful way of writing and i hope you will continue to keep it that way.
My scores will be at finale judging.
Best regards,
~Lisa~
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Hullo and welcome to the POM,
I thought this was beautifully poetic and full of sublime images, I wanted more! and it's not often I say that, as you can tell i'm suitably impressed, nowt to critique,
great work!
good luck in the contest,
Floorboards. -
Hello
*spoon-fed-tears*
*through MY head*?
I am not a fan of indetifying personal Names or dates, etc, as this tends to *time-Stamp* your write....however, it works here, and I feel it works because of your excellent ability to choose the correct words and Mets to enhance the Power & thought of this write ~
I can not find much to critique about this write.....so let's get it on my scoreboard and see how it does....shall we?
Good luck & God bless you......thank you for being a Sponsor for this POM,
Bear ~
Title 10...loved it.....had me guessing for sure -
Flow 9.85....not bad....and even with a lack in punc.'s, you have managed to move me along throughout your write with your Tone....nice -
Depth 9.8....perfect balance of *Show & Tell*-
Theme 9.45...Nicely chosen..your Creativity comes from your voice and Tone -
Feelings 9.85....I was engaged in your personification and subject ....wish there were more L's for you to use....I wanted to hear more -
Grammar 9.85...I enjoyed your grammatical choices -
Presentation 9.65...breaking up your S*'s in a 20 L allotment is nice....but with this Tone, I expected to see a weeeee bit more creativity in speech with your subject....and that is unusual for me to say -
Uncommonness 9.6...unique approach! -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.75...I did ponder....but looking for more Creativity outside of personal matters....no worries though, you did well -
Ability to follow Rules 10 -
Bears Score: 97.8
Best score from me in this POM......so far
No editing once a Judge has touched your work -
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Aloha and Welcome to POM!!!
I have to say…I loved this…
I like your way with words…
I sincerely hope your bil finds
the right path…and I will send
energies, and prayers out his way…
Ground Hog’s Day…
Other judges may comment that one
is never supposed to refer to something
that denotes the time…
On this one…I think it fits well…
the theme although not uncommon,
is penned with great, unique words!
The end fell flat for me…I don’t have
any suggestions right now…but I think
you could have gotten the idea across
with more of your beautiful words…
This is the type of write that I really
enjoy…it just hit a chord with my
soul…Best wishes in the contest…
My score will reflect my impressions…
Write on!
REMEMBER: NO editing once a judge has
commented.
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Your imagery is exceptionally creative and allows the readers thoughts and reactions to go into overdrive; very affective, I thought. Well penned!
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Very creative word play here, leads to wonderful imagery. Sometimes a short sharp shock is just whats needed. Good luck in the contest
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I liked this - it was unusual the way you've done it. Not an uncommon theme, but you've put your own mark on it. I liked your wording!
I hope things are better for your brother-in-law now....
best wishes in the contest.
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I did find that this was a rather personal write which leads me to say that I hope things improve with your brother and send you much love and peace be well.
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