Moving on parallel rails
maintaining separation all along,
crisscrossing the country.
Passing over bridges
sparkling river flowing beneath,
entering a rock face
with pitch dark inside of tunnel,
making hooting sound
halting serpentine at station.
Passengers greet,
getting down,
enclosed in cabin for short time
carry lasting memories.
Bustle of a city
disappear in silence of cross country,
earth moving anti clock wise
through the window.
Sleepers cushioning,
wheels speeding in haste,
landscape reeling scenery .
Author notes
*POM Contest*
My memories of train travel
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
3500 points, ended December 1, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Hullo and welcome to the POM,
I thought this was pretty good, loved the imagery, 'twas like a short film playing in my head. BUT...and I have to admit, i'm a tad surprised with the other judges comments and scores, this didn't have much impact on me, I MUST have missed something, i'll be reading this again,
thanks for entering and good luck,
Floorboards. -
Aloha!!
I am so pleased I chose to judge again this month….
Wonderful entry, my friend!!! Boy have you come a
long way!!!
My score will reflect my impressions…Best wishes
in the contest!
Write on!
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Hello
*with* pitch dark?
*making hooting sounds*...not as poetic as it could be -
*halting serpentine at station.....Very nice visual
With the exception of some grammatical areas you might want to check out....*crosscountry*..>>>
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/crosscountry
*earth-moving*
*anti-clockwise*
...>>
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/clockwise
Your last L is superb....Lasting Impression is here and this is the way you get my attention ~
I do not believe those few grammatical errors will hiner your score much....I rather enjoyedthiswrite.....lots of movemnet and seperation of thoughts in each S*
The Title is what I find not alluring to your write.....as it gives too much info and I believe a nice Metaphor would top this nicely
Over-all.....one of your best writes......and you know.....I seem to remember all of your writes. vs those of another few Poets......this is a GOOD thing ~
Good luck & God bless you,
Bear ~
Title 8.4...okay, but too much info....I would not click on this Title unless I wanted to read about this Genre -
Flow 9.15....not bad..2nd & 4th S*'s were a tad too long....took my breath away
..-Depth 9.8..enough depth to grab me and not let me go ....very nice -
Theme 9.95...Nicely chosen -
Feelings 9.85....I was engaged in your personification and subject -
Grammar 9.3....pretty straight-forward....looking for a few Mets to hold me in thought -
Presentation 9.95...breaking up your S*'s in a 20 L allotment is nice....keep it up!-
Uncommonness 9.85...unique approach! -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.75...I did ponder.....had a smile at the end
-Ability to follow Rules 10 -
Bears Score: 96!
Best score from me thuis far in this POM......so far
Like I said.....you always give me writes which I remember from past PO' Contests.....thank you for always applying what we suggest to your talents....it is paying off
Well done
...and no editing after a Judge touches your work - -
I love watching things speed by when an a train, the haze of colour can be memorizing. Some wonderful imagery here, neat read. Good luck in the contest
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thank you
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I found this interesting - I really like the wording you've used. I especially liked:
'Passengers greet,
getting down,
enclosed in cabin for short time
carry lasting memories.'
Even though I've never been on a train, I can imagine that one would carry lasting memories.
best wishes in the contest.
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thank you
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thank you so much
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I thought that this was interesting enough theme one that I have seen before but you did a nice job good luck in the contest be well.
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