It’s Christmas Eve and all is still,
A time of peace and love’s goodwill…
Good King Wenceslas, Silent night,
Time for men to see the light…
All is quiet through the house,
Nothing stirs, not even mouse…
And why?
Because I squished the little bastard when he took out my TV cable. As if I haven’t got enough frigging problems without some fuzzy-faced, whisker-twitching rodent destroying the one thing that gets me through the farce and fake cheer of consumer spending and manipulation…
And talking of fuzzy-faced, whisker-twitching rodents, does anyone else find the thought of some fat, beardy, weirdo, who has you under surveillance all year, breaking into your home and leaving gifts, the slightest bit disturbing? This is what we tell our kids, it’s no wonder so many of us end up in therapy as adults… ‘Come sit on Santa’s knee, little boy, if you've been good, you will get a big surprise…’ Fuck Me! It’s the stuff of nightmares…
And we leave out cookies & sherry for him. I mean… What kind of example are we setting? An obese, borderline alcoholic who’s partial to sugary treats and works one day a year! Get your gin soaked whiskers out of the cookie jar and get on a treadmill, you fat fucker… Anyone else would be in danger of keeling over or arrested & breathalysed for piloting a flight bound vehicle under the influence… Trust me, there’s only one fat, greedy bastard who’s happy to put gifts under your tree and his name ain’t Santa, you call him your bank manager…
Then there's the stroll round the shops soaking up the festive atmosphere, almost like a Dickensian scene, munching a mince pie here and a glass of mulled wine there as the Salvation Army gently serenade us with ‘Silent Night’… LIKE FUCK!!! Violent Fight more like… Trying to get to the other side of the street is like threading a frigging needle. Crushed in the heavy throng of people as you prepare to do the WWF smack down so that you get the very last limited edition ‘Barbie Sparkle Princess’ which they neglect to tell you is only actually limited edition until January the 1st, then mass produced in the thousands.
So then, three cracked ribs and a black eye later you stagger up to the cashier, holding aloft your spoils of war, expecting the 'How may I help you?' and 'Merry Christmas' but instead he glares at you like you’ve just stirred his coffee with your penis… You'll be lucky if you get a grunt out of the miserable C**t!!! Then to add insult to injury, he opts to answer the phone instead of serving you… I mean, all I actually did was make the effort to get to the store and queue for hours on end, while some lazy, bone-idle wanker sits at home in his under-ware scratching his arse and getting first class service… Christmas shopping!!! HA, I’d rather stick my nose up Bernard Mathews’ arse and have him fart poultry up my nostrils…
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I'm not totally Bah Humbug but I could kick Tiny Tim’s crutches out from under him & drop kick the little fucker into an electric fan... I mean WTF? Christmas carols in shops in October? Let me enjoy Halloween first, Please!!! Its much more fun... Don't let the do-gooding, smiley, Sally-Anne, trumpet blowing, money-grabbing, guilt-laying bastards take it away from me... Please!!!
And how do we prepare? Crying over credit card statements ‘cause our kids create Christmas lists that run the length of ‘War and Peace’… Cleaning the house in preparation for the big day, to the tune of 'I want this' and ‘Get me that’ after every advert?
And the tradition of placing the fairy on top of the tree was probably created by some poor sod who'd had a guts full and performed a pine-scented endoscopy on his wife who just happened to be playing Tinkerbell in the local Panto…
Then there's the wrapping of the presents, we lovingly spend hours wrapping gifts, with paper that should quite frankly be gold-plated for what it costs. A little fold here, a bit of tape there and big shiny bow on top for good measure… Then we step back and take pride in our handiwork as we arrange them just so under the tree… And for what? To watch the little bastards rip it all apart in under a minute?
Then there’s the Queen’s speech, the highlight of British television on Christmas day, highly anticipated, nudge nudge, wink wink… more like, a badger wrapped in a curtain with a sparkly plant pot on her head, wearing a look on her face like someone’s waving a turd under her nose. And get this, she’s trying to tell me she understands how hard I’ve got it from her fully staffed palace and countless millions she sleeps comfortably on. Really not feeling her sincerity…
And what is it we’re celebrating? I mean don’t get me wrong, loving the nativity scene, three guys, a woman, her husband and a donkey… No hang on, that was a nasty film I caught on cable the other night…
But how do we celebrate? We buy a turkey that looks like its mother got fucked by an ostrich…
Yes, the Christmas dinner!!! Hours spent peeling, boiling, roasting and cooking in the bleak hope it will resemble the Yule Tide treat as seen on TV (Thank you Jamie ‘fucking’ Oliver)… Timed to perfection, lost to the joy, pure poetry in motion… What a crock of shit… The reality, everything is timed wrong, sprouts are extra soggy, roasts are like bricks (which you later catch the kids throwing at the neighbour’s cat) and the turkey is so dry and stringy you could knit a frigging jumper with it…
Then as the timing gets further and further behind everyone starts loitering around the kitchen like the cast of 'Oliver Twist' ready to fight the dog for any scraps… And no amount of 'Oom pa-pa' or 'Boom-titty-titty' is gonna make it cook any faster, so Fuck Off and consider yourself at home in some other poor fucker’s house… And by the time this crap is served they are all so hungry and sozzled they would eat dog turds in wallpaper paste and swear it tastes like sausage and mash!!! And so commences the feast, as we pull crackers and wear paper hats, slowly getting pissed on wine and brandy as we all fart our brains out 'til the room smells like the toilet tent at Glastonbury. Thank you sprouts!!! What is it with the British and sprouts? Nobody else likes them! They don’t even eat them in Brussels! Yet every Christmas, we fill our plates and live in fear of shitting our pants as the room fills with toxic gas that any other time of year would be considered an Act of Terrorism. Who needs Anthrax when you have sprouts?
Then comes the biggest kick in the bollocks of the festive season, having had to take out a mortgage to pay for the fucking day, everything becomes half price and below the very next day…
And the people… All year round, they’re rude, boorish, opportunistic pricks who’d pimp their own mothers for a couple of bucks… But flash them a bit of tinsel and few shiny lights and all is forgiven as they want to join hands and sing ‘Auld Lang Syne’… Well Fuck You, You Asshole!!! You’ll get my boot up your arse, 'cause you’ll still be a prick next year…
And on that note I bid you HAPPY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!
Luv,
Fritz & Pink….
XXX
Author notes
Authors: Fritz O'Skennick & LadyDementia...
Thank you so much to LadyDementia for both writing this with me & making such a wonderfully apt Background for the piece... Thanks, Pink...
In a list
A contest entry
- Holidays Depress You?? by aboomer.
700 points, ended December 4, 2008, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Christmas for those on Santa's naughty list by Master Ktulu.
550 points, ended December 14, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Funny! by XxLoverOfDarknessxX.
650 points, ended June 27, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rant. by AllThatRemains.
700 points, ended August 14, 51 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Contest for Cynics and Realists (Shed some truth for the world) by Rat -DFW Punk-.
462 points, ended October 26, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Laugh My Socks Off! by LonelyAngel.
900 points, ended November 7, 129 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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Great poem, but why too long. I probably should have put a length requirement, sorry. I just don't have the time to read the whole damn thing. ANyways, from what I read, it was pretty damn good. thanks for entering.
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LOLS.
You know, I generally don't go for the whole excessive profanity thing, but this time it was amusing.
Oh, and by the way, I agree with you.
I like the holiday itself... what it's become irks me.
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)) i loved this! it was funny! the background is hilarious as well. 
keep up the good work! thanks for entering and good luck in my contest!
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Hilarious!
It's a long one...but this is really bloody funny. I take my hat off to you guys. Well done...merry Christmas
alby 
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I must say this fucking rocks
I have thought this a time or two myself
LMAO
Thanks for the share
Aleshia
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OMFG
I loved this
I couldn't stop laughing
I think you two said everything that we have all thought at one time or another.
Now my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.
Hugzz fire
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...I can't stop laughing. This is exactly what I think about Chrimbo and the ridiculous charade it has become. I wish I had read it during the festive season...it would have given me much light relief from those dark days (...and I'm not talking about brussel sprouts here! 
)
Well done to both of you...can I come and spend this Christmas with you...
Mariana
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humorous in a sense....i bit tooo lenghty ..
thx for entering -
ahahaha! that was so fucking hilarious! it's just so true! this is my least favorite time of year and this rant has made realize there are so many factors that make this season suck so much for me and also such a frantic time of year! fighting off hoards of desperate, greedy people- almost reminds me of a mosh pit lol Did you know that during our winter months here in america our car crashes rate goes up 6% each year? and its not because of the ice... it's because of all the shit for brains idiots that rush to get this or "my little one has to have that!" and then the real kicker here is it's the favorite time of year for people to get shitfaced, alcohol prices skyrocket up and it so amazing to everyone! ignorant fucks! I always hated winter- but christmas just isnt about christmas anymore. Its no longer about family, friends, love, and thanks. Its about media influences, economical desperation, and people's desire to spend money on gifts for excuse to say i love you to their family? to get affection from their children? to have an excuse to bring their relatives together who presistantly argue anyways? Or just you can say 'because it's christmas!' ? This was all so true fritz... you and ladydementia have made me laugh so hard. This was truly a very comical collaboration. Excellent work!
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THIS
has truly made christmas worth while!!!
it is ALL TRUE!!! LOL
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help I cant stop laughing
om m oh my you read my mind, love tis big time
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Wow what a thought provoking write and true in so many ways. Why can't everyone be as nice as they are at Christmas? Congrats on the Gold well deserved. Thanks for sharing, hugs Theresa
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My thoughts exactly.
I loved this. It says exactly how I feel about this holiday. Over spent and commercialized. You both did a wonderful job with this.
**Master Ktulu** -
This is a well deserved gold as it got several chuckles out of me but many more "fuck yea"s than I am prone to actually admit. Hilarious effort & kudos to to both of you! My absolute favorite part was about sprouts - my Mum makes them every year & hollers at all of us to indulge. Yish! Nasty little buggers.
Anyway, happiest bah humbug holidays to ya!
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Hey Fritz,
LadyDementia is a good dark gal to hang out with. I have Christmasses just like that and pretty well feel the same way. I almost want to say NO, NO to any more HO, HO. A pretty realistic take on the travesty that they call Christmas. But can I still keep the Christmas meal, they still hit the spot. Nice collab!
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i can't believe someone as good as you would actually comment on my stuff, it's an honor sir, thank you..
happy holidays... -
Holy shit. This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. You are very talented. Keep it up!!
MORSMORDRE!
- The Dark Lady
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This is the third time i've
read this and it keeps
getting funnier!
You two write well together
this is comedic genius!
I hate the fact that Christmas--
a holy observation
has been reduced to
angry shoppers with
cart rage..
Again this is hysterical!!
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This is the funniest write i have seen in a long time and have to say how much i enjoyed it. You made me laugh something shocking, cause i agree with you all the way. How could one not read this and not split their side laughing - unless of course they are so religious, they can't see the funny things in life. Just the most briliant bit of writing that really i can't say enough about. I shall bookmark this for sure. The very very best of luck in the contest and thanks so much for writing this and giving us all a chuckle.
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Oh mercy me, you two collab well! I can't differentiate the difference in voices in this festive-fucktardiness re arr-bum-hug!!!
Just what I needed to read, it's outrageous, hilarious and like most jokes contains a grain of truth.
The Queen's Speech...reminding us of " One's Annus Horribilus"
The season of goodwill lost on those shoppers hoping to grab the last of the Talking Telly-Tubbies...I was nearly maimed in Woolworths as I bought two for the twins...whilst trying to focus on their faces shining with glee and trying not to hyperventilate over the price...full scale toy-wars amongst the parents 'tis true as someone tried to tell me I should only buy one so they could have the other...erm..excuse me...which twin do I choose to make happy and which sad...like a rugby scrum at Twickenham it was!
The brussel-sprouts that are tradition to eat but no-one wants...reminds me of my lovely Irish friend...she calls brussel sprouts baby cabbages...isn't that sweet...and you can try and persuade kids to eat baby cabbages lol...
There are some highlights...the Refuse Men dress up in fancy dress to engender a smile whilst collecting their Christmas tip...and
Usually sane people take to wearing those reindeer head-boppers whilst shopping and driving so that stopping at the traffic lights one may see a guy in a suit but with that seasonal touch atop his head...
Enough of my rambling...can't wait to read what you both make of New Years Eve!!!
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LMFAO!!!! Oh geez.. you two are toooo funny!!! I was just about crying through that cause it's all so true!! Makes me so freakin glad I don't celebrate Xmas.. what a load of bollocks it all is!
Brilliant stuff!!!!
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LMFAO!!!! Oh geez.. you two are toooo funny!!! I was just about crying through that cause it's all so true!! Makes me so freakin glad I don't celebrate Xmas.. what a load of bollocks it all is!
Brilliant stuff!!!!
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"Crushed in the heavy throng of people as you prepare to do the WWF smack down so that you get the very last limited edition ‘Barbie Sparkle Princess’" Oh yes, I know that one!!! I have developed a mean elbow drop from the second shelf over the years, thanks to my little girl! You aint seen a fight like mums trying to grab the latest Bratz doll!
What a bloody hilarious piece. I couldn't stop laughing from start to finish. Which is a shame, as I currently have a cracked rib, and reading this nearly killed me!!
Seriously, you need to be a stand up comic with material like this! It's priceless!
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Great Write
I think you guys should write more together I laghed so hard I fell off my chair now I have to go to the emergency room for three stiches in my head lol..... God this is great bravo bravo bravo -
oh this was good, i mean real good i like this poem that you did here, i mean really, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest you both did a great job on this.
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Yup a perfect English Christmas
Paints it so well !
a brilliant cohab with you two
A please to read
Oh and these lines
Then comes the biggest kick in the bollocks of the festive season, having had to take out a mortgage to pay for the fucking day, everything becomes half price and below the very next day…
Merry bloody Christmas for sure!!!
Julie
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Bravo... a wonderfully tender write that truely brings out the spirit of the season Thanks for the belly laughs...
Ken
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Wow, this is quite the rant, and though I assume it is meant to be just poetic, the saddest part is the truth it is actually cloaked in. As the years go on, the season diminished for me as well. Great job to you and your partner.
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OMg!!! lol. this was just way too funny! sounds like something I say when it comes to Christmas! lol. a wonderful write.. best of luck you two.
Angel
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omg this is fricking hilarious.. ROFLMFAO... this is the best.. I laughed my ass off through this whole entire thing.. I read it to one of my friends over the phone. and they loved it too.. the two of you are great collab partners... I'm faving this one.. ... WOW...
good luck.. though I think that you'll do fine...
kat
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ROTFLMAO
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HOLY SHIT YOU TWO!!!
Now you have to add a doctors call to my Christmas price list cause I busted my freakin ribs laughing my "arse" off at this little diddy!!! Merry Freakin Christmas to you 2!!!LMFAO!!! This is PRICELESS!!!
Az
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I can't help it....
ROFLMAO!!! -
Its looking awesome! The true spirit of Christmas Thanks for asking me to do this with you....Was lots of fun to write, bah! Who needs Christmas!
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