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Bridged Pictures

The vacuum rooted out the floor
Long black pipes circled like tinsel to Christmas trees

An audience of chairs huddled intently;
curious to my curvasive thoughts

holding boxes of knick-knack like popcorn at movies

Dirty duvets swarmed oceans along me

with chocolate wrappers,

tidbits of written paper

and hundred notes
sailing the rise and fall of their turbulent seas

Old picturesque photo's in frames leaned warily -
old families sharing smiles and shoulders
landscapes, mountains, rivers


And it was all beautiful
Right there.
Right then.
In the corner of my Room

Author notes

*POM CONTEST*

 

18 lines ~ excluding spaces

Ok. Right.
This poem is about the word picturesque.

I was milking my brain for creativity when i stumbled across the thought: What makes a photo of some little French wine farm picturesque? Or the setting sun over the tropical beaches of Hawaii?

Yes, cliche perhaps, but that is the foundations of the concept of the word (or at least I believe so).

After all this, I decided that the mere contents of my room were in fact far more picturesque than some hell-hole in France, or some place where large amounts of sand and surfers are distributed.

So I decided to describe how each item of room made up a picture that, in fact, was also picturesque. I tried to take classic cliches of the word, like the Christmas tree, people eating popcorn at movies and boats at turbulent seas and compare them to the common items in my room...

 

And that's about that...

A contest entry

Too abstract?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Rebekah-Ann silver member
    December 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this was surely very creative! I enjoyed this, [had to re-read it] this surely captured my fascination.

    All the best in this contest!


  • BeautifulFlame
    December 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hello and Welcome to POM!

    Hello,
    I must say you have talent! I enjoyed his poem.

    Although (IMO) your punctuation, or lack of, threw me some. So the flow was choppy for me.

    Still a great theme but i had a hard time following until i read the AN notes.
    All in all very well done.

    My scores will be at finale judging.

    Best Regards,
    ~Lisa~


  • Floorboards
    November 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hullo and welcome to the POM,

    neat write, really good images and thoughts with a quite unique theme I think. Nicely done without REALLY blowing me away, on the whole very good work,

    thanks for entering and good luck,

    Floorboards.


  • islekine gold member
    November 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Aloha and Welcome to POM!

    One of my favorite entries this month!!
    I love the picture you painted….I am not
    sure why you capped when you did…it does
    chop the flow a bit…and in these lines:
    Old picturesque photo's in frames leaned warily -
    Of old families sharing smiles and shoulders
    Of landscapes, mountains, rivers
    I personally would take out both of the “of”s….
    they are not needed ……Best wishes in the contest
    thanks again for a great entry!
    Write on.
    My scores will appear at the end of the
    contest….


    REMEMBER: NO editing once a judge has commented on
    your work!


  • Arkbear gold member
    November 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hello :)

     

    Let me do something first..>>>

     

     

    The vacuum rooted out the floor
    Long black pipes circled
    like tinsel to Christmas trees

    An audience of chairs huddled intently;
    curious to my curvasive thoughts
    Holding boxes of knick-knack like popcorn at movies

    Dirty duvets swarmed oceans along me
    Chocolate wrappers,tidbits of written paper and hundred notes
    sailed the rise and fall of their turbulent seas

    Old picturesque photo's in frames leaned warily -
    Of old families sharing smiles and shoulders
    Of landscapes, mountains, rivers


    And it was all beautiful
    Right there.
    Right then.
    In the corner of my Room

     

     

     

    I am not a fan of center-align, except with Poetry in Form.....and not Shaped Poetry...I am speaking of Poetry in Form...>Cinquains....Lanturnes....Haiku...Arkqauins....etc :)

     

    Ok....*vacuum.....huddled.....*.....to me, those words are not as Poetic as your talent.....loosen up a bit and give me Poetry in bloom, as your talent blossoms with each L -

     

    Space after *wrappers* -

     

    Not too sure where you are beginning some of your thoughts, as you have CAPPED some areas......and not Capped others........try to sloooow your quill donw and listen to your Poetic Voice speaking.....it will guide you and show you where to place those much-neededcommas and periods :)

     

    I want you to observe all of the words *of*, and how many times you used it.....as well as many other Filler Words which have no Impact to your write ~

     

     Try to use *the.....and....is.....of.....that.....to* as minimal as possible.....you Poetic Voice is hiding in there....I want to hear it....I don't want to read Filler Words :)

     

    There are several other Judges coming behind me....please be patient as we make our way across your poems page, as we can not all cover every little thing in each write ~

     

    You are a gifted Poet....I want to see you around more often.....thank you for sharing your talent and good luck & God bless you,

     

     

    Bear ~

     

     

    Title   7.1....not real happy with this.....I believe a nice powerful Met would have topped this nicely -

    Flow  7.85....not bad -

    Depth   9.2..enough depth to grab me and not let me go -

    Theme 8.45...Nicely chosen.....yes, a tad cliche' but still very nice -

    Feelings   9.35....I was engaged in your personification and subject....but dig deeper next time -

    Grammar   9.3....pretty straight-forward....looking for a few Mets to hold me in thought -

    Presentation 6.95...center-align is not something I am fond of....but you have several other Judges coming behind me, and I do know most do not care if you center-align -

    Uncommonness  9.1...unique approach! -

    Sit & Ponder Affect  8.75...I did ponder....not as much as this Theme could have made me ponder though -

    Ability to follow Rules  10! -

    Bears Score:  86.05

    Great job....no editing after a Judge has touched your work -


  • LadyDementia gold member
    November 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting and creative idea. I would imagine many things if done this way could prove to be picturesque. Some neat imagery. Good luck in the contest


  • aboomer silver member
    November 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I love all your descriptive images in this - nicely done!

    I also think you should lose some of your caps - they make one 'start and stop' too often, there-by cutting the flow of this.....just my opinion.

    I do like this, it's been one of the best in descriptions that I've read so far among the entries.
    Best wishes in the contest.


    • Ditt0
      November 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Wow. Thanx. thats really insightful... I will be looking into that.

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    November 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hey there I did think that this was interesting a theme I have seen before but non the less I like it. Also there needs to be a little bit of work with your punctuation you have capital letters starting a new line and no period on the line before it and also I do think that it would look better left aligned but that is just my preference good luck in the contest be well .

    • Ditt0
      November 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      I guess I'm just damn weird...

      I can see why the punctuation may be confusing, but it is just a stylistic preference of mine. I find the use of a period to be very, "final", as to say it might stop something to shouldn't always have to. That is why I rarely use it in my work. However, I start a sentence with caps to illustrate the beginning of a new thought or process of my work. So occasionally a line may or may not begin with a caps.

      Hope that clears things up...


  • SomeGirlYouKnew
    November 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i like thiis XD
    the idea is something ive never seen before. yay originality!
    there are a couple random typos that distracted me a little, and its a little bit jarring to read, but i think your general idea and structure are well done.
    p.s. curvasive ^_^

    • Ditt0
      November 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hey thanx... yes, I have taken note of my flow sometimes being a bit, urgh, but i cant really attend to it at the moment...

      Oh and curvasive? I made that word up. Its something I love doing. But I think you get it right?


  • sora.
    November 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    stonerrr.

    mmmm popcorn!
    *drools all over keyboard*
    *licks screen*
    oh right...poem... =P
    dear drees, i believe your inebriated depiction of seemingly simple household objects is breathtakingly brilliant and insanely "gah".

    PS i have totally seen the corner of your room...
    this means we now have to have kinky sex.
    kidding! (or am i...?)
    XD
    =D

1 - 13 of 13