Dismember me
p*
i*
e*
c*
e*
by p.i.e.c.e,
Swallow my desperation.
Choke on your lies,
my poison is your release.
.:[[used]]:.
~Tangled~ in your kiss,
drawn into your nightmare.
My shame exposed,
my soul dies in unfathomable bliss
.:[[forgotten]]:.
The crimson on my lips fade,
the bitter fruit ripens.
Left b_e_n_e_a_t_h the fresh dew,
there's nothing more to invade.
Author notes
A Soul In A Dream by manips-of-artist2
A contest entry
- Pretty Picture Prompt # 26 by kiwigirljacks.
400 points, ended December 2, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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*Beautiful & Dark*
Your words are very captivating and what is such plainly human truth pours from them in torrents...
"~Tangled~ in your kiss,
drawn into your nightmare."
I know how that feels all too well... Great work!
♥-Sel
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Oh wow! Youe take the dark genre and embrace it. This is captivating.
Love,
Amera♥
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Such a dark take! I don't normally like dirty pretty, but like this write a lot
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Very well penned, I like the way you've set it out, nice presentation. Has a nice air of darkness surrounding it, or that could just be me. Neat read, thanks for entering and good luck
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This is a wonderful write, I really enjoyed it, the form surprised me, but it kept me wanting more. You did a great job with this write!
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There is always the question which is more important: the device or the message. Does the device support the message or obscure it?
Piece by piece even when creatively written in concrete formating is still over used and so passe. You have such strong images and the formating adds to the intensity that this is just the weakest part of the poem.
The used and forgotten feel too much like titles to a sub section so I don't know if the positioning supports the intent. Leaves me with questions.
Good dynamic strong contrasts the create a viable delicious tension in the verse after used. The verse after forgotten keeps it going and blossoms in the end into an expression of despair that feels like an arrow released into the heart.
I can't tell you how to write the poem. it ain't mine it is yours. I hope I raised the right questions and provided enough info to help you relook at the piece and see what improvements you deem necessary.
Love, Tom B.
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I don't usually like this style of poem, but yours isn't bad.
The crimson on my lips fade,
the bitter fruit ripens.
I like those lines. -
I usually do not prefer this style, but your words drew me in and kept me reading. Nice job!
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Swallow my desperation.
Choke on your lies,
my poison is your release.
Wow, this is deep, I love it!!
very creative and well thought out piece of writting, goooood jobskii
Amy x
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While not a big fan of this particular style of writing, not over doing it lends a bit of resolve to the wording. To want something so much though you know in the end it will cause more harm than healing.
A very good write.
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