morning
you think i'm asleep
i watch, amused, as you
unsuccessfully try to blink
the grit from your home-too-late
eyes; and spill pasta sauce on
that brazillian beauty lipstain
but even elephants prove
to be no distraction
as you race the clock to disappear
afternoon
i transplanted the fish yesterday
so there is nothing left but to
empty a bottle of lemon-scent
detergent into the fishtank
like you said:
the carpet needs washing
and for lunch, i think i will
eat abstract; paint the roof
with strawberry jam and blow-dry
the mould into pretty patterns
evening
i wrote you our history
on three-ply toilet paper;
glued it to the chipped-paint walls
and watched a lovestory soak through
to permanence
so before i say goodbye; lock
my keys in the house one more time,
i empty the worm farm
into our coverless bed
just so you feel at home
returning from her legs
Author notes
Prompts:
"I see your dirty face
High behind your collar
What is done in vain
Truth is hard to swallow
So you pray to God
To justify the way you live a lie"
-Let it Rock, Kevin Rudolf ft. Lil' Wayne
&
"How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read.
Just yet"
-I Will Possess Your Heart, Death Cab for Cutie
A contest entry
- pineapple lumps; invite contest! ! ! by notorious.
1209 points, ended December 31, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Well-expressed with emotions.
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Feature this?
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Outstanding
The imagery in this poem is inspired and I liked how you split the poem into three sections each linked but working as seperate entities as well. Your metaphors are unexpected- I especially liked:
and for lunch, i think i will
eat abstract;
A brilliant poem - best of luck in the competition.
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Vignettes!
You are so good at them, Lly.
Incidentally, I really like the way you use punctuation; you and a few other poets really made me think that punctuation is pretty kick-ass (I had a brief stage recently where I didn't use punctuation at ALL following my stage of using punctuation all the time).
"you think i'm asleep"
What a great beginning; already I got this derisive vibe.
Wrong perceptions...personal amusement...gotta love it
"that brazilian beauty lip-stain"
It has to be asked; did you remember Adriana Lima (Brazilian supermodel) was my idol and put that in?
Or maybe I'm being self-centered again
I read the comments below; are you referring to that girl in question with the lip-stain??
'transplanted' <==this word needs to be used more often; I love the way you used it.
That second vignette
is so full of imagery and texture.
"like you said:
the carpet needs washing"
That's clever.
"and for lunch, i think i will
eat abstract;"
I LOVE THAT!!
We talk about food all the time, don't we?
But this is a cool concept...
I'd eat a Pollack painting if I could
"paint the roof
with strawberry jam and blowdry
the mould into pretty patterns"
blowdry==>blow-dry with a hyphen?
Mmm, that's a tasty ditty there.
"three-ply toilet paper"
Hahahahaha! I think that might be too thick; I prefer two-ply. But anyways, this is just such a creative way to insert this in...
hell, this entire poem is bloody creative
and yet reeks of something that actually happened, as per the comments below.
"and before i say goodbye"
Maybe "so before i say goodbye"?
I think that sounds better; tell me what you think.
"i empty the worm farm
into our coverless bed
just so you feel at home
returning from her legs"
LOVE IT, especially 'coverless' and those scathing last 2 lines.
Thanks for entering and tolerating my long ass time to comment on this
;
Jessica
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I didn't know that Adriana was brazilian ... that part was important because my friend (the one that actually did the above) was the kind of girl who would nevernever wear bright red lipstick - she was more a pink/pale red at the most kind of girl ... the stain was a dead giveaway ...
I love both of your suggestions - and I will edit accordingly ...
And this comment was worth the wait
I fucking loved it!
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LoL! Well, now you know
The personal details to this were just very evocative
Coolio
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Hood Wink!
o.O
My first thoughts were, what a loser for doing this ... then my second was, damn if you aren't being too nice to the guy in punishment, and then I thought WOW What a bloody awesome write
Best of Luck hun
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
(Apologies for late Hood-Wink!)
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This is one of your better pieces lately. I absolutely loved the tone and the imagery. The part about eating the abstract let it down a little but otherwise I was really happy with this one. Cheers
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I absolutely love this! All three parts were amazing. The unique concrete details here were astounding! Man, I must sound like a broken record, but this is what I truly think. One of your best by far. I'm so bookmarking It's also very intense... I truly felt it. You know I like that
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100th Hoodwink
Powerful plan of action for the justified retribution for the betrayal of affections and lies. I love the creative form of physical expression of your dismay and still you are being TOO kind! This cassanova deserves much worse. Well Done!
You have been selected as a victim of our 1ooth Hoodwink Celebration. Thank you for everything you do here at AllPoetry to help make it the wonderful poetic community that it is. You are appreciated!
Brother Dennis
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This was so amazing. i loved it, i loved the weird quirky anger that spills all over the page. its so great. Just what i love.
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this is good and sad
. this guy sounds like a jerkkkk.
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He is ... and she really did do (most) of the above ... also stabbed cutlery though his precious acoustic guitar
glad you liked it!
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nice Pol! lol. but, whooo is he? like, is this recent ?
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About three months ago ... she called me about whether I would like some more fish - I had no idea why but accepted it - then I found out what she did ... dick deserved it too - he was using her money to pay for the cheating ... she is still pissed about it.
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ugh. what a dog.
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