Lonely toboggan,
once you rode the landscapes
as if they were dreams
and young minds could find the world.
You found a way
to make every star a shooting one
when you carried ones along
with the cupped hands of an artist;
creating life easily in his strokes.
And when you stopped
the satisfaction didn't melt
and toes were never cold;
you were warmth.
Time after time, you would never tire,
waiting for dusk patiently…
But now you sit through spring and winter,
buried in snowflakes that fade away...
like flowers and tears a mother lays
on the tombstone
of the child she outlived.
Author notes
*POM* Contest
This piece is about a mother who has lost her child. Inspired by my friend who passed away in grade six and I saw how harshly it affected her mother.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
3500 points, ended December 1, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Shoot.
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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Wonderful
Very creative and well done. Best of luck in the contest.
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Hello and Welcome to POM!
Hello,
This was just such a tear jerker, as a mom it was kinda personal.
Left me with feeling of dread even thinking about it. I have known many young to die before their parents. A very bad part of this life.
To me this was very poetic and done beautifully.
Your voice speaks in the solace of this write.
Although death is a very common theme that will bite you alittle on my scoring.
I loved the title and once again your poetic talents are wonderful.
best regards,
~Lisa~
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Hullo there and welcome to the POM,
I must have read this 10 times and am still undecided, there are some excellent images in here and that last stamza is pure class. The line "when you carried ones along", confused me though, carried what, stars? maybe it's me just being thick but it didn't sit right with me, as I say i'm still undecided, loved some parts of it but didn't really care for others, my scores will follow,
well done and good luck!
Floorboards. -
Aloha and welcome to POM!
I think you picked a wonderful theme and
showed some great images…I don’t think
you needed to italicize the last line…it should
make the impact on its own…that’s just my
opinion…also, way too many “and”s in the poem…
starting with the title…
Best wishes in the contest…
Write on!
My scores will be posted in final notes…
REMEMBER: NO editing once a judge has commented
on your poem!
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Thank-you for your comment and critique.
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Hello
I have enjoyed your Poetic Voice immensely....you have a gift.....I have only minor suggestions here..>>
Never begin with *And*
.....and the word *outlived* should be *out-lived*
Also, Capping your Title is suggested....for me
Other than that....this is simply stunning work....I wish you and your entry the best.....hang in there & God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.3...had me pondering -
Flow 9.85...absolutely gorgeous work, but add some commas to sloooow the Reader (me ) down to absorb all of your vivid Tones....I had to read this to my Partner sitting next to me....yhe said excellent....but his opinion has nothing to do with my score for your work -
Depth 9.8..enough depth to grab me and not let me go ....very nice -
Theme 6.45...common.....but your approach is superb -
Feelings 9.9....I was engaged in your personification and subject.....a lot -
Grammar 9.8...poetically stunning -
Presentation 9.95...great job breaking up your thoughts!-
Uncommonness 9.5...unique approach! -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.95...I did ponder...you grabbed me and I did not let go of your voice -
Ability to follow Rules 10! -
Bears Score: 94.5
Excellent job....such a pretty voice and Tone you have here....no editing once a Judge has touched your work -
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Very glad that you and your partner enjoyed! Thanks for hosting, I really love what you are doing here. Have a good afternoon
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Sorrow is laced throughout each line here yet it is beautifully written. All the best in the contest
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This is such a sad and beautiful piece. It is really hard to lose a loved one and I could only imagine losing a child. You penned this well. Good luck in the contest.
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Hello, Ryan, and welcome to the POM
What can I say; this is amazing, and mind-numbingly brilliant. I'm so sorry that you had to lose your friend so young; I just lost one of my best friends recently, so I can understand how you must have felt.
Words cannot describe how your poem made me think. Reading it, I realize now why I talked myself out of suicide; my mother is one of my best friends, and I know that it would affect her greatly if I were to die. Thank you so much for this beautiful write, and good luck in the contest!
My scores will be revealed upon the closing of this contest.
Laura
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Thank-you, I am honored you liked the write, and I am pleased you could relate to it on your own personal level... I am so sorry to hear of your struggles in the past.. 
I wish the best for you.
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Holy Moly~
Now this is a Beauty my Friend and I remember going to a child's funeral which was the hardest for me to attend next to my significant others- oh heck and my grammy's~ every funeral is hard but to lose a child- the anguish- being a parent- I could not imagine~ Powerful emotions also images
When I read it~ just felt as if You were talking to me and the tears swelled in Your eyes as well as mine
the words: buried in snowflakes
grabs hard
Excellent!!
Thank You for sharing Your Heart and Spirit~
Many blessings to You in all You do Sweet Soul
Best wishes in the contest too
with much love & light~ Desire~*~
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Now you are gonna make me cry!!!!!! Bah. I am so sorry for your loses, but I am so happy you liked the piece... Peace to you I hope you are okay.
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'tis been awhile since I've read you, and I can't believe what I've been missing.
'You found a way
to make every star a shooting one'
I don't know why, but those lines seem a little clumsy (in a good way!; they fit in well). And I love how your first line makes this poem seem almost like a letter. Maybe written to the child himself?
Great last line.
Hope you're doing well.
~Cassie
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Such a sad piece - I really liked, though, how you used the tobaggan. Our children had one, and I have great memories of the fun times on it. I liked your images.
best wishes in the contest.
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This is a really sad piece one that I have seen before in this contest but you did a good job good luck in the contest be well.
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Brilliantly written, my friend. After reading the author's notes,
my heart fell out of my chest. The imagery like the finest silk
rushing against my skin and being devoured by this gaping hole
in between my sternum...like someone's knuckles are being
run along, trying to find some rhythm. Is there anything I can
truly say to convey the emotion that welled up in me while reading this?
Beautiful, truly. Thanks for sharing.
And I loved the title!
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Wow. You have no idea how much it pleases me that you had this much of an emotional response to this I am always pleased when that happens with my poetry... to me it is the true sign that I have added the emotion it needed well Glad you like it. Thanks so much
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As if you need me to confirm what a brilliant writer you are?
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if this doesn't win this it is rigged, this is a strong and powerful poem, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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Beautiful Ryan, I am so happy to see you writing again and your use of imagery and metaphor is just excellent, a wonderful piece of work filled with tangible emotion. I loved it hun and wish you good luck. hugs, Bunny
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Thanks Bun glad to be writing again
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this is so powerful and amazing, i really love it...kinda dramatic.
good luck in the contest and take care
Stephanie ♥
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