The wind blew on the forbidden windows of dark scars
that lurked in her presence as though a friend....
and the hissing sound clutched the bars
as she glanced cruelly at the windy fiend.
she walked up-to the window,& laid her head on the sill
she thought to herself...why this world
had betrayed her of her will
and had left her stranded in a blur ?
thunder flashed into her resounding life
as she opened her eyes to the dreaded reality ,
her memories began to arrive
their existence,their pain & their fatality
a sudden jolt left her to lie in peace
and she felt no more unwanted pain,
she sleeps now in deadly silence amiss
all the things that had driven her insane
Author notes
*POM Contest*
Fear Of The Soul
The pain and the fear of facing your pure soul is hard...and bad memories often render a person's progress.....that's why in the end..she faces a heart attack because of too much pondering on past experiences...that's why people should move on in life...
Yesterday was the past..finished...tomorrow is the future..unknown...today is a gift that is why it is called the 'Present'
Anagha-Nataraj
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
3500 points, ended December 1, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Simple Quickie! by VoltaicHypnosis.
400 points, ended February 15, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
what do u think of my poem ?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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This poem didn't grab me immediately, but it certainly warmed up towards the middle. However, I think the problem with this piece, although it is well-written and descriptive, is that it is very narrative, and rather more like prose than poetry. That's not to say that you do not have talent - because you obviously do. Some of the phraseology in this piece of writing is very attractive.
Title: 6.9 - The title is dramatic, but not very original, and under normal circumstances I might have avoided it. The title of a poem needs to engage the reader enough that they will continue reading.
Flow: 8.1 - You did quite well here, but as I said, at times the poem read more like a story, and so I think you would do well to consider using less conjunctions, as they break up the flow and make it very prosaic.
Depth: 8.8 – I think you have made an admirable attempt at a deep poem; however, at times it trips over itself a little, and altering the flow would help create resonance for the piece.
Theme: 7 - Unfortunately this is a common theme, which is good in one sense, as many would be able to relate, but for the purposes of this contest, it is less positive. I would consider relating an unusual theme to the universal notions; creating an extended metaphor, of sorts.
Feelings: 8.8 – The feelings in this poem are very clear, which is an attribute to your work; however, I found it difficult to connect to at times.
Grammar: 7.9 – Again, you are quite competent and your spelling is good, but the excessive conjunctions are a detriment to the piece and there are a number of errors.
Uncommonness: 6 – As I said, this is a relatively common theme, presented well, but not originally.
Sit and ponder effect: 7 - I enjoyed your piece, but I did not sit and ponder having finished it.
Ability to follow rules: 10
UFM’s score: 70.5
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Hello and Welcome to POM
Hello,
I must say i enjoyed this poem.
The theme is not uncommon sadly, because we all have faced fears in our lives.
Your thoughts lead me to think about my own past and worries i still have.
As far as your form (making this short for the late hour) I would not use as many filler words as it sometimes takes away from the thought pattern.
Other than that my scores will reflect at judging.
Your talent does shine through your writing.
Best regards,
~Lisa~
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Hullo there and the welcome to the POM,
I thought your poem had some really good images, with the wind and the windows etc, and it was well written, despite a tad too many filler words, especially your use of the word "the". On the whole, a fairly solid write but without really creating an "ah ha" moment your scores may well suffer slightly, but that is only my opinion remember. Thank you for joining us and good luck to you,
Floorboards. -
Aloha and thanks for sharing your wonderful talent!
Okay…so you pulled it from the others…thanks!!!
now for the critique…Filler words
are over used…but your imagery is great,
as is the feeling…IMHO…I hope to see your talents
again…with a bit more focus and editing…but this
has potential of being awesome in my book…my
scores will appear in final notes…best wishes in
the contest!!
Write on!
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if possible, use your great imagination to subsitute your common wording.
this has something, I'm not sure what, but something behind it that if thought through and re-worded, makes it quite a fascinating poem.
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Yo Dude....where the heck have you been
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umm..im a gal...and im in ur POM conets..names anagha-nataraj...i just changed it ...so have uconfused me wid someone else bear?
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busy with matters of family...i have this tendency to withdraw without saying bye...sorry...glad to see youre well
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Hello
I want you to look at how many times you used *the* in your 1st S*
Try to avoid Filler Words ie;...the....and.....is....of.....that.....to*
I am not saying not to use them, we are saying,without them, your work becomes more Powerful and has more Power to the subject itself when you curve your usage of them
Your work reads quite Prose'.......we look for Poetic Tone only ~
Your explanation in your AN's is not necessary, as we only desire to know your Theme, in case you have written in Abstract Format ~
You have penned a Theme which we have read several times in the PO' Contests....however, your approach is fresh and that gets my attention.....nonetheless, your Theme is not Creative and shall take a small hit in this area of critique ~
Capping your L's at the beginning of each S* is required.....you failed to do this, and you did not place proper punctuation after each S*'s ending
We do not require you to follow OUR punctuation rule, but there is not really any defined format here, so there shall be small deductions there as well ~
Punctuation are left spaced apart from ending L's........spacing in some areas is also a problem -
I can see so much talent in your quill....especially for the Short Story Format, but we ask that you do not enter this Format here, as Poetic Tone is how you will win here........thank you for coming out to support this POM Contest -
You have 6 other Judges coming behind me...please be patient as we all make our way acorss your poems page
...God bless you,
Bear -
Title 5.5.....too cliche'...gives me too much info....I would not click on this Title unless I wanted to read about this Genre -
Flow 9.1...not bad....but SHort Story Format is how your work reads -
Depth 9.2..enough depth to grab me, but very cliche'-
Theme 5.45....have seen this Theme done several times all over AP .....but, nice approach -
Feelings 6.85....I was engaged in your personification and subject, but too cliche'.......for me -
Grammar 8.3....pretty straight - forward....looking for a few Mets to hold me in thought -
Presentation 6.95....Punc.'s and CAPS need tending to.....also, not a fan of all quatrains....Tone becomes...Huuuuuummmmm...instead of oooooOOOOOooooOOOOOoooo.....see the difference
Uncommonness 5.5...done many times before -
Sit & Ponder Affect 6.75...I did ponder a tad -
Ability to follow Rules 10! -
Bears Score: 73.6
Not bad.....I believe your Theme is what cost you here....but as you join us in the future, yourscores shall surely soar!
No editing or pulling your work please...other Judges are coming behind me -
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Aloha and welcome to POM...
I will soon be listed as a judge...I have been away for awhile but am helping again this month...This entry I believe will be DQ'd because you have entered it in other contests, which is not allowed, until final judging here...
Thanks for your entry!
hope to see you in another PO soon...
Write on!
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Hello there, and welcome to the POM
Confronting fear is difficult, and though it is a somewhat-common theme in poetry, I loved your original take on the subject. Well done, and best of luck to you
My scores will be revealed upon the closing of thie contest.
Laura
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i like. one thing that confuses us most i think is ourselves.
well done and good luk
kitch x -
Some nice rhyme going on here. I like the theme, very well penned. All the best in the contest with it
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Not an uncommon theme, but you've got some good emotion and images in this. Some of your lines seem a little long, but with a bit of 'toning' on this, it could be a strong write.
best wishes in the contest.
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Hi there just a little help I think you should go back through and add some punctuation to your poem to slow down the reader and also on the second stanza first line should in be laid instead of lay?
Good luck in the contest be well.
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