He smiled in a way
I had only few times done myself.
I’d catch his gaze,
Feel him fluster with hesitation.
I'd sneak myself a smile I knew he couldn't see,
With humbled eyes and stuttering fingers.
Thank you, he wrote, you are a treasure,
Then disappeared with the key.
Author notes
This was a contest entry; the prompt was treasure.
A contest entry
- Shall I Try Again? by AliceinPoetryLand.
700 points, ended November 27, 2008, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - pretty much ANYTHING goes. by etoile.
825 points, ended January 11, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show me something. by morgana raven.
900 points, ended December 30, 2008, 82 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Peer Pressure Contest!! You decide the trophy winners!! by Zenda-Lokki.
1700 points, ended January 7, 77 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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i like this. the last line is so strong. this is a great poem. i liek the second stanza. keep on writing.
thanks for entering and goodluck
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Oh . heck, I think this was me....and I failed to make the connection
I did not believe that you wanted to make it....I was just afraid of burdening you with my feelings for you...so I ran away ... and said it was to protect you.
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I like the way this is nice and streamlined. Stuttering fingers and humbled eyes are effective images. Very readable and relatable.
On a critical note, I think S1L2 could be made smoother with minimal effort. It stops my eye because "done" seems like it should come earlier in the sentence. Also, I wish that S4 was formatted so that "he wrote" was more obviously distinct from what "he" is saying. Finally, I wonder if you could get away with throwing "he" in between "Then" and "disappeared" in S5.
Anyway, nice work, and congrats on winning a gold cup so quickly. I don't remember how long it took me to win my first contest, but you have been quite a lot quicker.
Best,
Morgan
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lovely
I like this a lot. Such moments which we remember long after and which still evoke a response.
Ah... hope there's someone else out there with a key...
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Yes, yes... someone had the key.
Thank you for the comment.
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Very nice, in a few words creating a lot of imagery and an intersting narrative...every treasure I think has a key, a an endearing moment can certainly be one...PK
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This is such an honest write that's easy to relate to. To me, it speaks of the awkwardness that can sometimes exist between two people that share an attraction. The final line is filled with much longing. Thank you for sharing and welcome to AP.
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This is magic beautiful poem good luck in the contest
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Oh how truly captivating I feel this could be interpreted in many ways. the first two that came to me were absolute opposites lol from the key to the toilets to the key to your heart!
Thanks so much for your entry.
Gaylene
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