I walked against sub-terrain
where city starlight fell like rain
devoured in gritty, oil-slick black
the grey ghost's shadow at my back
Like pulses instinct sped by cars
metallic whispers: theirs and ours
behind came halting, train from track
the grey ghost's shadow at my back
As clockwork bent each heel to grind
and footsteps' patter fell in time
their faces blurred the sidewalks slack
the grey ghost's shadow at my back
I walked against the sub-terrain
the grey ghost's shadow at my back
A contest entry
- I want new favourites. by broken-colours.
400 points, ended December 2, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - come take a look! please?? (rhyming contest!) by nobodys-girl.
400 points, ended July 16, 237 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Review Desired
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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you did an awesome job on this. it's different but amazing. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck!
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Well done.
I find the two line ending a bit curious though, but thats probably because most do not fiddle with the base couplet. First time I've seen a Kyrielle end with a couplet
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That is because this is a kyrielle sonnet. Slightly different in form. Read about it here: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/types.html
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Ah, more forms! Goodie.
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Superb, I am coming across so many well written poems, that have such a great rhyme and flow to them! I really liked the repition too, at the end of each stanza. Nicely done! I can see why it was nominated.
Crazy-Love♥ -
Woah, this was brilliant. <3
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There is a sense of parting here. Loneliness.
This is my favorite form and you have graced it with this folk like song that rests as well with a weary traveler or businessmen as it does with a transient down on his luck. So glad to have to have stopped bye.
ken
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congrats n spotlight
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It plays like a subway singer
I also liked the meter and the ryhme and the setting is in constant motion and i like that too. Well done:-) yao
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Excellent
I thought this was an excellent poem - rhyme, rhythm, everything about it! Good job!
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I liked the repetitive theme
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Woo. This poem is inevitably, spooky and miasmatic! Well done, bravo.
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This was right on for the form and the wording and imagry are absolutely brilliant. Wonderful write and beautifully penned. Thank you for sharing this piece with the rest of us!!!
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"I walked against sub-terrain
where city starlight fell like rain"
"As clockwork bent each heel to grind
and footsteps' patter fell in time"
I love those lines, and how the poem rhymes.
I love the repitition of "The grey ghost's shadow at my back"
It's smooth, like a song.
Beautiful! -
I myself don't see anything here wanting change, I think it's about as flawless and clean as a poem gets. Your phrases are smooth, elegant and stir senses of sight, sound and feel. Brilliant.
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"where city starlight fell like rain"
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"Like pulses instinct sped by cars"
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"metallic whispers"
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"As clockwork bent each heel to grind"
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lol
♥
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